The Honest Truth, Finally.

Hello, I goggled I want to cut myself tonight to try and stop myself from slicing up my thigh. My boyfriends laying in the bed next to me while I’m crying my eyes out asking “what can I do”, nothing and then I tried to talk to him an he said you always get like this last night I cried after I had sex with him but I say this with all my heart someone that has never known depression will never know, he doesn’t know. My mother died of cancer when I was nine my father remarried a women a year later with 3 daughters she used to lock me in my room and get angry when I spoke to him, in turn which made him angry and he hit me and called me fat. I was. My step sister used to throw rotten fruit and me at school because her step sister was a goth. 2 year passed my father was losing money and he used to wake me up in the middle of the night saying he wanted to kill himself a couple of weeks later I walk in on him he had cut his wrist to deep I had to call a ambulance because my step mother was to ashamed of him. I couldn’t live under that same roof with her anymore. I took my months wages and dropped out of college to get my own place. Suffering with severe anxiety and depression I latched on to a really bad guy who used me for sex and his friend put something in my drink and took me upstairs..He just laugh it off. I was so numb I thought it was okay. I lost five stone because of bulimia. I was literally losing my mind. When someone finally said to me your a smart girl why are you acting for others. I stopped. People started to dislike me more because I grew an opinion and wouldn’t do what they wanted my social anxiety got really bad. I died my hair to change if I anyone understands this, the bad guy came back into my life cutting myself got really bad. I got the courage to tell him to go away.I didn’t have any friends. I dont have many friends now at all really because I’m socially scared or to upfront. My insecurities annoy people because they look at me and say what have you got to be insecure about. I have a boyfriend who loves me now and I’m moderately pretty in there eyes if thats even a thing..I feel ugly every good damn day. Its a feeling I cant get ride of an empty pain that wont go away. I dont want to die because maybe one day I’ll wake up and not feel like this and smile again but living like this is hell. If you read this to the end, thank you it stopped from me cutting myself and its nice to know that someone feels the same. The same way I felt when I read other messages. I cant stop crying. I just want friends.