The past few years

the past few years have been shitty for me. my best friend committed suicide july 30 2013 with a shotgun to the head in his bedroom. i was with him the night before and i feel that i couldve done something. as time passes i feel more and more compelled to do it myself. my life is a waste, i cant get further ahead in my career because the college education i have isnt enough which is the result of the economy and unfortunately i cannot make more than minimum wage. thats just the way it is. no one can get benefits anymore, and i probably wont retire until after 70 with no benefits. my gf on the other hand JUST got a full time job and she’ll have benefits after 90 days. she doesnt even have high school….. lol i think the world is out to get me. ive worked my ass off for nothing. thanks to the world we live in. the government is corrupt, the economy, well, i dont even have to describe that right now.. im not blaming anyone for my misfortunes. im blaming the world economy and the unfortunate mishaps of my life. luck of the draw i guess my life has been full of shitty relationships. one almost stabbed me. instead she punched me over not receiving burger king as per her orders and demands. im sick of it, so this will be my last relationship (current one) and if it doesnt work than nothing will. Ive been told i dont do enough at home. well im sorry. nothing has been making me happy lately and there has been nothing to look forward to. i dont see a way out. i smoke a ton of pot and i drink hoping to block out the negative aspects of my life. but of course, it only works temporarily. my friends recent suicide has disturbed me quite a bit. you know how people say that you hurt the people around you most when you commit that act? Well, not true. i knew how Brandon felt. he was sad and lonely. he was on meds for a variety of things including bipolar and schitzo related ailments. i believe he stopped taking them at some point before this happened. anyways, im not looking for pity, im not looking for charity. i have a loving family that has done nothing but love and provide for me. its not like i had a bad upbringing / childhood. i didnt. i just cant stand how the way the world works these days. my gf already attempted suicide before i met her by hanging. it was unsuccessful. she has mild BPD. i dont have anything this complicated. the worst i have is tourettes syndrome. yet i still feel like crap. i dont want to be around anymore. i feel that i have nothing left to give the world.. especially because if you’re white in the country i call home, you cant get anything in my profession that makes decent money without having a university degree (which i cannot afford) if you’re white. if you’re anything other than white with smaller amounts of post secondary education, you’re laughing all the way to the bank. im not racist by any means. again, luck of the draw. i am happy i do not live in a ruthless country with no laws, but on the other hand i believe in conservativism and would love less government to be involved. ive heard were in the era of another great depression on the rise. its true. crime rates are up, and of course suicide rates. the economy and money are the biggest things to blame for all of this un-needed depression.

the thought of suicide is, and has always been on my mind.