I’ve always been aware of the things around me but yet i’m so scaredof everything. i’m a senior and i’ve been depressed for a long time now. Everyone i had turned their back on me because they didn’t like who i was. worse,when it ever came to confrontations iwas and still afraid of standing up for myself and i hate the fact that i’m weak and worthless. I often hide how i feel and disguise it, noone cares about me. Last year i tried comitting suicide a couple of times but failed because i don’t want to die without atleast trying to be happy. i decided to give myself a chance during summer. when school finally started things were going so bad. i try to be the kind of girl that everyone likes and i could be sometimes annoying. The people i thought were nice treared me like shit and once again i was too scared to confront them, i’m such a failure, when ever things like that happen i just want to jump off a cliff. I’ve got no friends, don’t know what i’ll do afyer i graduate,i have nothing. Sometimes really bad things happen to me and i controll them but what if the next thing that happens to me will mess me up, i don’t know how will i react i’ll probably just kill myelf right infront of everyone, i’m so scared of myself. i usually am opened up to people but i make so many mistakes when i speak it makes me unconfortable to the point where i don’t want to speak anymore. When ever something bad happens the image of what happened stays in my mind for the rest of the week not able to move one ahile probably everyone moved on. Maybe i don’t deserve to live at all. I can’t make any choises by myself , and i often seek and need others advise because i don’t trust myself anymore. I’ve gone to psycholists, psychiatrists and what they precribed me and told me i had, nothing worked i’m still as i use to be last year. I don’t want to be afraid and paraniod hat people are talking about me or hate me.All i do is fuck everything up where ever i go. I ‘m still the same fucked up worthless piece of shit i used to be. everyday in class i space out and imagine the worse thing that will mess me up if i did what i have to do, also picture my death and the millions of ways i could die, i’d be such a relief if i died, to me and my family. I won’t lie, i tried hard but i’m pure shit. i regret not killing myself when i had the chance. I want to die, there’s no way out
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I’m sorry to hear that life has been so painful so far. Even more frightening is that you’ve learned not to trust yourself. I used to feel exactly the same way — that life is just the shittiest thing ever, and that most of it was my fault. Every friend I made was really an enemy out to hurt me, ever decision I made was a stupid one, and bad things kept happening. I cannot say that circumstances around you will magically change, because we don’t have control over our what happens from other people. What does help is realizing that you don’t DESERVE these bad things, and that you CAN make little choices to make you happy. It sucks because people will treat vulnerable people badly, as though we somehow earned it. We should be treated even more gently, but shitty people are attracted to us. But there is hope. If you have tried to be hopeful, it’s because you have that light in you somewhere — you KNOW you’re not bad, and you suffer because bad events in your life makes you feel differently. Don’t try to make people like you out of desperation; you don’t have to PROVE that you’re worthy of love, you just ARE. It is the hardest lesson to learn — that person a,b, and c don’t matter; if a guy leaves it doesn’t matter; if your co-worker hates you, it doesn’t matter. It’s just you, you get to be happy with you. You are not a failure, because you have no one to answer to. You may be tricked into thinking that those other people’s opinions are really important, but they only seem that way. You want to belong, so you try so hard, but as weird as it sounds, you’ll actually find a few good friends who accept you for who you are if you slowly start to be okay with what you. I have seen all kinds of people who were complete outcasts and who were bullied really badly end up making friends, even getting married. Sit down and really, truly think about who you are or want to be … is it the girl who love animals? It is a good to friend to others? The person who likes to watch goofy movies? Someone who loves cooking? They sound like little things, but little things add up. Be gentle with yourself — try to be a good friend to you, and enjoy things here and there. Answers come in small ways. I wish you all the best, and know that hope and good thoughts are being sent your way.