I don’t know where to go with this. I don’t even know that the details are worth it. Especially the past year, every time I make a little progress – work, finances, friendships – that and more are ripped from me.
What the fuck did I do that I’m always being punished? What I did – as though I had control over it – was that I was born. I survived physical, verbal, emotional and sexual abuse. I’ve survived HIV. I’ve survived losing everything including my home just over a decade ago. And it’s really time to end this nonsense. I’ve known for a while how I’ll do it. Just a matter of getting the cajones to follow through.
At this point, I don’t really give a damn about who and what I’ll leave behind. Mother already lost her sister to suicide years ago. This will be nothing new. Her mind is half gone anyway. So-called friends will blow it off, if they even acknowledge it. The only thing they’ll notice is annoyance I’ve left them to clean up after me. Fine. They deserve it. Screw any nice, mushy memories. Screw that any warmth, insight or creativity that was part of me. Screw any concern I ever felt. Screw all of ’em. Christ, even dead I’ll still be the bad guy.
I’ve just reached the point where I can’t cope with everyone’s demands. No one gives a fuck about me, just their own selfish, superficial, petty shit. When I stand up for myself, that’s all the more reason for people to blow me off. It’s not enough that I’m honest, dedicated, hard-working and reliable. It’s not enough I’m responsible. (Hell, I’m even responsible enough not to off myself in the house). It’s not enough I could care less about booze or drugs. It’s not enough that I have a conscience. To them, I should work for free and put up with anything…and then be content to be ignored.
7 comments
I get where you’re coming from, Visual. For the longest time, I’ve felt that a dark cloud is glued to the sky above me. If I move forward one step, I eventually fall back three. One moment of happiness is eventually shattered by a hundred moments of suffering. Maybe I mugged someone in a previous life, but this life stinks.
Two years ago, I had a somewhat similar mindset. I had been through enough and was tired of it. After making the decision to call it a life, I researched how to do it. I found my method of choice in a newspaper article. Then I gave all my stuff away. Everything in my apartment was gone. After letting Dad know I was going away for a little while, he made some calls. I wound up in the hospital.
Over the past few years, I’ve gotten better at dealing with jerks. There will always be people who don’t care about you. Many are selfish and know no other way. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself. You should. I’ve learned that if someone doesn’t like me, it’s not my problem. My goal in life is not to please the world. It shouldn’t be yours either. If you’re honest, dedicated, and all those values that you mentioned, then you have quite a few things going for you. Why let others destroy you when you have more to offer? If they ignore you, so be it. They weren’t worth your time.
If other’s demands are getting to you, pull back and focus on yourself for a little while. Others will just have to deal with it.
Your post hit home for me like a laser guided missile that was flown up my ass. I have always been a proponent of making sure my motives for offing myself were proper and not fueled by any desire to hurt someone else or create a mess by blowing my head off while sitting in the middle oF
Useless to anyone ! You should have called that ‘an inspiration to every one’ to have gone though all that ! Don’t give up now sounds like your a survivor to me. It’s only up from there SURELY x
Being a fucking survivor isn’t enuf. The only payoff has been that I’ve stuck around for the next round of pain…and that’s decades of it. Don’t give up now? Like I haven’t learned my lesson that it’s useless to even try any more? No one gives a damn about ME. I don’t want a boyfriend, mansion or expensive wheels. I just want to make a living using the talent I was given. I just want the most basic respect. And no one believes I’m even worth that.
So funny that all it would take would be a one person, just one out of 7 billion, who’d see me through this. And there’s no one at all. Everyone has abandoned me, I guess because I’m hopeless. I resisted believing that for years but I can’t any longer deny the evidence.
Therapists only care about their money. Agencies only care about their paperwork, calling me a “case number.” Churches only care about shoving their righteous, supposedly “godly” bullshit down my throat…woe unto anyone who disputes them. Anything I say or do is minimized, dismissed or invalidated, if they ever pay attention in the first place.
How much clearer could the message be? I don’t belong here, I’m not wanted and, yes, would you please off yourself and stop bothering us.
Im sorry to hear that you have been through so much and have to feel the way that you do.
I hope you find peace somehow.
I feel you have been delt a shitty hand in life and that was not your fault and from your post it sounds like you have done your best to do your best
I wish you good luck and peace
I know it might not mean much but your post kinda helped me a lot to realise how lucky I am if you’ve got through all that then who am I to complain about the little things that are nothing in comparison
If anything is reassuring these days it’s that with each new battering I care less and less. If death means I have to lose everything, including the pain that ultimately overwhelms everything anyway, I welcome it. I must have fucked up a lot of people pretty badly in a past life if this is what my existence is meant to be.