A Secret Momento, For You

I want to tell you something. To be honest, it’s hardly exciting, but hey, won’t you listen anyway? It’s- it’s my story. Who knows, maybe you’ll incorporate something from my tale into yours, something positive I hope. Perhaps that will make my story meaningful in some way.

Today I lost my final bastion of support. But really, I can only blame myself at this point; truly, I should have either gotten a lot better by now. The past 10 months has witnessed me trying to hang myself a countless quantity of times. Pardon the unimaginative phrasing, but I am utterly, utterly dead and wasted inside. I’ve faded away into a transparent, pathetic memory. People look at me in disgust and pity, but mostly disgust really.

So why am I tell you this? Because it didn’t have to be this way. Because this downward spiral could have been avoided, even reversed, into an exquisite, magnificent growth. And perhaps, perhaps it still can be that way. You see, every day for more than a year, I’ve entertained notions of suicide (as well as irrational, negative thought patterns). These thoughts may seem comforting at first, a solution to an unbearable pain stemming from a seemingly unsolvable problem, but I’m sincerely here to tell you that suicidal thoughts are a poison that saps your will to heal and grow. Listen, since this is, in every way, what happened in my life; if you allow those thoughts to dominate your mind consistently, slowly but surely, you will gradually kill yourself on the inside. Is that what you want? I understand you want to end your considerable suffering, but doesn’t your heart beat for something much more? Collect yourself, and think; is your situation truly a labyrinth so intolerable and unworkable that you’d give up on your heart’s desire, your..dream?

I know it’s difficult beyond words. I fucking know. The depths of severe, suicidal, psychotic depression and debilitating insomnia comprise a gargantuan, despairing maw that rotted every fiber of my soul. Barraging ruthlessly on shoulders long weary is an immense waterfall of sorrow, frustration, pain and anxiety; or, just as delightful, you’re met with a profound numbness exceeding anything even remotely comprehensible, driving you towards..nothing at all. You are unable to understand how you’ve endured for so long, or why..just, why is this happening, after fucking trying so sincerely with everything you had left? Yet no one sees your efforts, they just look at you in your debilitated state, as if  you had always been that way.

(experiences differ of course, but you get the idea).

I’m not asking you to keep eating your pain. I’m asking you, for your own sake and limitless value, to shift the direction of your thoughts, and if you haven’t already, give yourself the chance to get better. Let pleasant, constructive thoughts soothe yours scars and construct your future. Remember those things that you used to do, the things caused you to smile before you even noticed? Start doing them again. What if nothing makes you smile? Do those the things you loved to do anyway, and try those new things you were always afraid of or too lazy to try. Those precious parts of you, long thought to be eternally lost, will start returning to you, one by one. Therapy helps too, but you get what you put into it. Medication can be a huge ***** though, but there’s something out there that will help you more than hurt you. Will your problems still be there? Yes, but you’ll be more capable of solving and/or managing them. You’ll also be less fixated on them once you toil zealously towards your goal. The health of your mind can and will improve if you really want it to, as long as you take the steps towards loving and valuing both yourself and your own unique tale in this life. Wouldn’t you like to make it an enjoyable one, one that, if written into some sort of book, the reader would think “fuck, I’m so happy for this guy/girl, look what they were able to accomplish despite all the shit she/he went through.

I’m glad (your name) lived.”

Live for something that will make the all the immeasurable torment worth fighting through. If you’re already doing this, power to you my friend, you’ll be surprised at how far can go.

A lot of the advice I gave sounded really corny perhaps..too bad it works : )