An actor in a play

I feel so pathetic. My life hasn’t even been that bad. I’ve never been physically abused by anyone. Both my parents are alive, and my family isn’t poor…

So why do I feel so depressed… So empty? I feel so tired, but I’m only 13. Why?

Maybe it’s because I have to put on a mask whenever someone is around, after all it’s been that way since I was 9… I think I’m even starting to trick myself with my own mask.

I feel like an actor in a play I never auditioned for… My script is prewritten and made to deceive, my mask to convince. I can’t let anyone see me out of character, if I do it ruins the play. It’s all in the contract I never wanted to have to sign…

I think it was my family that started to get me feeling this bad. I don’t know if they meant to, but they did and it feels pretty crappy. I’ve been moving around my whole life and I only stayed in my original country for 4 years. This makes me an outsider everywhere I go. When I go ‘home’ (home country) I get treated like an outsider. They tell me that I’m not from that country and that I’m wierd. They treat me like a unfitting puzzle piece.Example, my great-grandmother died 2 weeks ago. I loved her so much, she understood me in ways only my grandfather and father ever have… They never talked to me about her death, only to my mother, they didn’t even take a picture of her grave or the speeches during her funeral.

Then my dad. I wrote earlier that he understood me. But that doesn’t mean I love him. He started cheating on my mom 8 years ago and she only found out one year ago. They are divorced now and I live with my mom. I don’t know if I hate him. He lied to me so much, puts me off for 2 days that I was planning to stay with him, then he treats me like I’m the only thing that matters. Did I mention he is an alcaholic and a sex addict? He went away for 5 months when I was 8-9, and during this time my hamster (my best friend throughout 2 moves) died. I had to be strong because my mom had just come out of 3 year depression, it was the first time I had to put up a strong mask. Later when my mom and dad split up she was an emotional wreck, I put up my mask as she cries and don’t let my self cry and show I’m weak. That’s when she starts calling me emotionless, only if she knew.Funny enough it was my dad who put that unhealthy thought against showing true emotions in my head. Now I can’t cry even when I want to and am alone. Ha ha. But, still, he talks to me about stuff that me mom and the rest of my family think I’m to much if an idiot to understand.

Thats not all of it, just some.

By now you think I’m being over dramatic. In reality I think I am, but that doesn’t stop me for being so depressed .  I wish my life was easier, that it wasn’t a constant struggle… But I’m not going to end it now. If I end it now people who actually remember me will think I was some pathetic 13 year old who did it because some boy broke up with her. No, I’ll wait a while.