I’m 21, a female and I’m living with my mom. My parents are seperated. I choose to stay inside my room all the time. I am an emotional roller coaster, I cannot contain my emotions, they’re always all over the place. I don’t know why but I hate myself for not being able to control how I should feel.
I am scared of my future, I’m scared of failing so much in life on my own, worse than how I am failing right now, living under my parent’s supervision.
I suck at relationships. My first boyfriend who I had a relationship for 6 years cheated on me. I found another months after and he was great. We started as fwb but as soon as I fell in love, I knew that I’m on the losing end. It was never a win situation. I know it was wrong. We broke up because he doesn’t feel the same for me. I tried to be friends with him but it never worked out, I ended up acting like I was chasing him, and he trying to stay away from me. And then I have this childhood love, and he knew he was my first love and he’s now married but something happened to us and I really feel so guilty. I feel so dirty, I am disgusted with myself. I feel stupid for falling in love so easily.
I no longer have college friends since I had a falling out with them. I don’t need fake people in my life. I have other friends but when I tried to tell them how I depressed I feel, they just shrugged, laughed, ignored or told me that I’m a really selfish person.
I tried telling my parents I might be clinically depressed and I asked if they could help me see a doctor because I really wanted help. My dad was so pissed he told me to stop ruining his day with my useless drama. All I ever do just seems to be drama and attention whoring.
I will never forget what my mom told me when I cried and was so upset about their seperation which was two years ago. She told me that I should not be the one who’s hurt, angry or sad because I wasn’t the one involved. They didn’t understand how it made me feel that they seperated because they are both cheating on each other. I felt so alone. After that convo, I carried all the hurt and tried to be numb because I didn’t want to deal with how betrayed I feel. My sister even asked me if I even got affected by it. My parents even told me that I did not care. They didn’t know that I was supressing every feeling because I was trying to be strong or maybe I was just trying to run away from reality.
That didn’t bode well for me, because I was ignoring feelings for so long, it exploded. I can’t seem to control my emotions anymore. I started failing college and I failed 4 times and I felt stupid and useless because I am usually one of the top students. I try to make myself a better person but all my efforts seem to make it worse. I try so hard to act indifferent that my emotions are all over the place. I would constantly feel sad. I would suddenly get disturbed and would cry out of nowhere. Even in a happy event, I would suddenly get a crushing feeling and I had to be alone because I would suddenly explode into a crying fit.
I do not understand and I cannot explain how dark I feel whenever I feel depressed. I can only relate to it as being in a quicksand, the more I try to get out, the faster I sink. I feel so unworthy, I am such a failure, a disappointment. I know it’s my fault because of how I cannot seem to handle everything well. I want this to stop. I feel that their lives would be so much better without me who has so much emotional baggages that I’m such a downer. I want to end my life, but I don’t want to make people feel that it was their fault. I feel guilty of possibly making them feel guilty.
I feel ridiculous and stupid by telling people I don’t know how I am right now, I feel embarassed even. I know I will be judged but I just want someone to speak with before I finally decide to end it all. I just want all of this out of me, before everything else. Sorry for the long post.
13 comments
I’m here, you can talk to me.
Thank you 🙂 it means so much that some people care. It’s just so sad that strangers from miles away care more than those around you
Unfortunately we live in a cruel, selfish, even a sadistic world. The reality is that most people don’t care about anyone but themselves. Your feelings were neglected from the get-go which is why you’re in the state you’re in now.
I can relate since I’m a child of divorced parents as well. It’s a huge deal for a kid to face their parents splitting and then the worry about having a new step-father or mother. In our case my siblings lived with my mother and we stopped her from dating/marrying someone new. Now for us it was the right thing to do. But life is harder for a single mother/single income to support a family. While we were better off, my mother ended up alone (though she lives with me now).
In your case you’ve been experiencing depression and anxiety/panic attacks. I’ve been there and the latter makes you feel like you’re dying and the world’s about to end. When I experienced anxiety for me it felt that way.
I’m like you, I think at times I also fall in love with girls a little too easily…then get taken for granted. Every problem you’ve mentioned can be dealt with. If you have some cash, you can go to a psychotherapist and pay out of pocket or perhaps your job or school can cover it.
When I was depressed I did that and it’s nice to have someone impartial and professional listen to you. I was as educated on psychology/psychotherapy as my therapist was since I used to read a lot, and she was impressed and felt she had nothing to teach me. However it did make a difference at the time.
Also look at each of the issues that are causing you trouble and then work on them. Some friends can be great and some can be callous and mean. You have to be careful about who you trust and confide in. We are all fragile and need the love and support of others and if we don’t get it then we experience many of the things we’ve discussed.
But the one thing you have to realize is that ultimately only you can help you, that’s what I learned. When I had the panic attacks, I was in my mid-30s, I was unemployed living with my father, my mother’s health was very bad-she was living on her own and didn’t work for a while and got evicted from her apartment. Then at the same time my father was facing termination at his employment, so we had to sell the house. My dad lost the job but got to keep his pension so her turned out fine.
I was living off my credit-line which I got when times were good for me and had a handful of cash left. I went from having the highest credit rating to defaulting. I’m not even getting into the gory details but like you I’d cry at the drop of a hat-if there was even a time I felt I faced death and unwillingly, that was it. Anyways, I worked my butt off to help my mother find a new place to live with no days to spare and moved in with her. Then eventually found a job and she retired just a few months later due to her health issues and things have been fine since then.
Also I had absolutely no help at all from those I’ve helped before-no one gave a rat’s ass for my mother and I (referring primarily to my sisters). I won’t get into any of that but we saved ourselves by the skin of our teeth and heaps of good luck. But I learned a great deal from that experience. In your case I’d suggest if you can to move out of that toxic environment and live on your own. Depend on no one if you can and get a decent job that can sustain you.
People are shit, as Satre said ‘hell is other people.’ So I wouldn’t count on them, unless it’s someone who is genuinely compassionate and cares. Best of luck in whatever you do. I would suggest to start putting yourself first and dealing with each of your problems one at a time and then, you will be secure and happy again, it is possible. In my case I am down about my life for not getting as far as I hoped but I’ve said enough already.
PS-excuse the typos, it’s late here. I mean my siblings and I earlier.
Also I realize you’re 21 so you probably need to say with your parents for a few more years till you get your college degree finished…use the time to your advantage, get a good education and a good job and the rest of your life will fall into place.
I don’t want to blame people with how they react to how I feel. I sometimes feel that maybe if I was normal I wouldn’t be treated this way. I’m asking so much for help but no one seems to want to. I know I am the oy that can help myself. I am trying, I swear. It’s just that it’s too hard sleeping and waking up with the same sh*t over and over again.
I really really want to seek professional help but there is limited access to it here in my country. And I cannot still leave my family, I’m working on my graduation so when the time comes I can finally let go of this place and start fresh. But right now I feel so mich pressure, that I don’t think I can still go through. It’s just so hard, I keep on making mistakes after mistakes.
As for the people who are around me, it’s hard really to trust, especially now. I know it’s bad but I feel that eventually a person will betray me even though they’re so far off from doing it. I feel like treading an unknown ground, keeping track of my steps so I won’t alarm anyone. And that really upsets me.
I will try on your advice and I hope it goes well for me. Thank you for reading and I hope you will do well in your life as well.
Well without knowing you or your life personally, there’s little I can suggest that would be helpful in a concrete way.
However what I can recommend is that the key is to begin with yourself-if you’re not ‘right’ with you, then no one else will be either. First you have to get a handle on your emotions, then work on your goals. If in your case your mother will need your help (as mine did) then create a strategy that will improve both your lives and work towards that goal.
In my case I was unemployed and my mother had bad health. I knew I needed to get a job and then move to a nicer place. I skipped over the gory details I mentioned above…but our situation was hellish for about 3 years until we finally moved to a nicer place (after I got my job).
I went from looking forward to a high-paying career (due to my education) to just scraping by in terrible conditions. I fell through the cracks unlike my friends who are all doing very well financially. I’m not saying there’s anything special about my situation, there’s millions of people out there who don’t have jobs and are probably doing far worse than I am, so I do thank my lucky stars my life is fine right now, but still have a ways to go before I’m happy with my situation.
As for relationships, put them aside and focus on the goals I mentioned. I’ve found that good people like myself are not appreciated and get taken for granted but also used when other people are struggling. But I’ve become a more cruel person in that regard and those people who’ve misused me in the past get their just desserts from me.
I’ve found that most people are scum, you’re not really missing out-but because we’re social animals and need the company of other humans, then it’s good to have a few friends that you can hang out with and do stuff, so long as there’s a basic respect that’s maintained.
When you’re an ‘underdog’…then people think they can get away with dumping shit on you or insulting you. I give them no quarter. If people act like assholes to me, they’ll get back twice as much in return. Usually they don’t expect it and tend to be surprised. While I prefer not to burn my bridges with people who can be useful to me someday, I won’t hesitate if they think they’re better than me in some way. I put one of my fake friends in his place and have never regretted though we barely ever talk/meet anymore.
I have enough bs to deal with in my life, let alone allowing some arrogant shithead to try to add to the crap.
They are not your fault! Even one. But I believe these problems make a strong person of you. There is a bright future for you, because even the darkest night has an ending. You should stop hiding behind your fears. Come out, see the world. It’s not that dark. There are love, kindness, sacrifice and so on.
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning.
Here is my email address: pedram.bahrami@live.com
It’s so easy to believe that it is my fault since all these people seem to do the same thing and I’m the one thing they have in common. It just sucks because I want so many things to happen in my life but I keep on making mistakes. I feel the world crushing around me. I was a happy kid, I didn’t even think I could feel this way. I know what you’re saying and I appreciate it so much. I’m still trying my best even though I don’t feel any change.
The pressure is getting into me so much, that I think of ways to get out. I’m hella scared of killing myself that whenever I am about to get to it, I panic and I back out and cry for hours. But I still want to talk to someone, because I’m really scared. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and for the concern. It was nice of you 🙂
You know what? You should read the unlimited power by Tony Robbins. This books can change your life.
Don’t let people take the control of your feelings.
hey I got to this website looking up ways pretty much not to kill yourself. and seen your post i spent an hour trying to register just so i could leave a comment and tell you something you can email me anytime at youknowmeimhere@yahoo.com because i understand how you’re feeling and I care so if you want email me and we can talk for hours if it will help you because I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve wanted someone to talk to when i’m depressed so just know i’m here for you 🙂
I will, thank you so much. As I said above, it’s strange, heartwarming and sad at the same time that people from miles away would care more than those you thought you can count on. I will speak with you 🙂 Thank you kind sir/ma’am that was all I ever wanted, for someone to listen without recieving any judgment at all.
It’s hard to find someone to talk to, when everyone around us seems to cause more problems than helps solve them.
If you need to chat, feel free to email me and start a chat, i’m almost always available here lmzf23@gmail.com
Too bad no one is available to me when i need, so i always give more than i receive.
Hey, i just want to say, bless your beautiful soul, you are a warrior on this wa of life and deah much stronger than I, but keep in mind, no matter how dark the room may be, the dark cannot exist without the light, so just know, within that darkness that is plauging you right now, there is a light, bright, shining, thats why yo havent left us yet, the world of the living, tha little light is still burning, that little bit of hope, even just reading this gives me joy, knowing you’re alive, reading this, and that little flame is still burnng in you, Bless your beautiful soul, Im here if you, or anyone, ever need me, Namaste. <3