Don’t be like me.

I don’t really know how to start but I figured I would make a last text before I leave this place.

Well anyway, I am 24 years old. Adopted at 5 years old from another country. I don’t know my birth parents and never will.  Life is too much to bare, really. I wish I was one of thoes people with simple problems wishing I was dead because of girls or relationship problems blablabla, but at this point I really need to die before I hurt anybody other than myself.  I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. And not just “I’m sad” depression, but living withing the confines of my own hell. I have been in and out of trouble with the law,  and addicted to drugs for years etc. I was sent to prison for 2 years for violating an existing charge that I was on probation for. While in prison I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Also in that term I was diagnosed with hodgkins lymphoma and attemped to hang myself in my cell until a guard happened to walk by during checks and found me nearly dead, blue in the face. I was in a coma for a couple days and somehow revived and sent to the psych ward for the rest of my stay, drugged up all day. I was released in 2011 and paroled. I have been out of prison ever since, but am subject to return due to a relapse of drugs, which subsequently violated my parole. I would be due for court in December of this year for my revocation and resentencing procedure. I have just spent my life savings on schooling and treatment, and now am (would be) going back to jail which would end my future career as school will be cut short. My parents are in complete denial. They fantasize of the child I should have, or could have been and make it well known. We live together but never talk about anything, distant. We live within the ghost kingdom.  They don’t understand anything about me, and neither do I. I’ve never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl, and void of most if not all emotions. Not a bad looking guy either so its nobody’s fault but my own. Me and my fucked up mind and that is so broken it is beyond repair. I don’t feel anything anymore, I almost wished I was abused as a child. Maybe I could feel SOMETHING? anything at all. I’ve watched my friend blow his head off with a shotgun and couldn’t do anything but watch. I felt nothing but report and then confusion of what to do, we had to call the cops and explain what happened, while being interrogated with your friends blood and hair over you. He died over a girl.  My friends think I am troubled but seemingly okay, as I was this way my whole life. But they have never visited this side of me and would most definitely walk away if they knew what really goes on, so I keep my feelings to myself. I was once invited over to a friends house to speak about my problems as they noticed I was acting very strange, I had to make an excuse to leave as I was having extreme visions and urges to hurt them very brutally. At this point I re-attempted suicide out of fear of hurting somebody other than myself. I ended up overdosing on 40 oxycontins and ended up living due to extreme tolerance. My life and future is over, If i go to prison I may die inside due to my treatment being fucked up because they truly do not care when you are inside the walls. If I was to get out I would be broke, with no further education, a long criminal record and probably another stage of cancer if not treated properly. Left to rot. All I ever wanted was to find some type of emotion, love? Somebody to help me but they cant, wont,  I am out of luck. I just wish I was never born, that I knew my real parents, lived in my homeland, and maybe never existed in this fucking world. I love how the judge can keep my real identity in a god damned locked box somewhere and refuse to give it to me. I have tried to access it due to medical reasons and was denied.  That judge..I hope your family gets brutally killed for a stunt like this, where is the remorse? This country and state is so fucked up, everything is about money money money. I hope this world is cleansed of all human filth soon, we are the cancer that needs removed.

Is it selfish to die with my dignity intact? Is it selfish to die so I don’t hurt anyone else mom? Is it so selfish to end all this pain, physical and mental? I don’t know. Goodbye.