I quit my job and moved across the country so that I could afford living without a job while I apply to grad programs. At the same time as studying for the GRE, I got engaged to be married. You’d think it would be a really exciting time in my life, but the same two months I was going to use for improving my GRE score ended up being dedicated to wedding planning. Wedding planning was a nightmare, I felt extremely depressed, and then I would beat myself up for feeling depressed during a time I was supposed to be happy. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he also really wanted to buy a house because he’s tired of renting, and would rather invest in a property.. so we were looking for houses during the engagement. And I have a fear of being in a lot of debt, so that was a constant discussion between us. I never doubted marriage during the engagement (which was a huge help in moving forward), but my mom and him had very different views on how the wedding should be, and I felt like I was constantly having to mediate between the two, and not doing a very good job.
The wedding was a huge success, and I was never sad or stressed on the day. But not I’m even more depressed than I was during the engagement. I was debt free before the marriage, and I married into quite a bit of credit card and student loan debt. I know it’s a normal thing to have some debt in this country, but the reality of having to deal with it now is adding to my anxiety. And because he is used to it, he doesn’t seem to mind going into to more debt. So, we have a stupid house, and now he wants to buy all this furniture (I’d rather have an empty living room until we can afford a sofa). And I still am supposed to be applying to Grad programs. Deadlines are coming up in the next few weeks, but I’m so anxious and stressed out about all these changes that I can’t sleep. Oh yeah, and I injured my neck trying to exercise about a week ago and I was bed-ridden for two days in pain. I am going to a chiropractor now where they come up with a plan to not just relieve the pain, but work on long term rehabilitation. I’ve had neck and back problems most of my life, and I think it’s part of the reason why I don’t handle stress well (because my neck or back tires quickly while I’m trying to work/study, and I get worn out). But it’s going to cost $3,000 despite insurance covering 70% of it. And I just don’t know who we’re going to afford all these things, and then my applications, and my grad program. And at this point I don’t have any of my applications complete. And I still have to research all this stuff about which program will be the best for me. And I have no one to talk to because I don’t want people to think I have all these problems after getting married when I’m supposed to be super happy. And I feel bad for my new husband, and we are still working on communicating… Also, we are staying in a friend’s basement until our house is finished being built, and we have lived here since the beginning of our marriage (which has been almost three weeks now). I feel like I can never leave my room because I’ll be intruding on their family of two small children. I appreciate their generosity, I don’t know where we’d stay otherwise, but they are so loud (especially the entitled 3-yr-old), and especially right now I need my own place and space.
I just don’t know if I can do all of this anymore.
If I delay grad school one more year, am I just going to look like a failure? What if I never make it to grad school because of all our debt? What if I have neck pain where I can’t do certain physical activity such as running /hiking ever again? When will I be able to sleep again? I can’t deal with all of this stuff.
I don’t want to be this person? I want to be happy and likable. I want people to enjoy spending time around me. But instead I’m just always depressed, moody, and avoid social interactions.
3 comments
I feel your stress, to a degree. I moved a state away from where I grew up to move in with my fiance. We lived with his sister til we could afford to move out. With his three kids, and no stable employment for myself it was so stressful. We finally found a place, moved in, and then he lost his job, and I got pregnant. He has been looking for stable employment since I’ve been pregnant. A month before the baby, and we get evicted. So we are moved in with his sister again. I hate it here because of the way she lives(hoarder)… Boyfriend still hasn’t been about to find a good job.. And my baby girl is 2 weeks old now.
I should tell you it gets easier. I think part of being an adult is to accumulate debt. And if you both have a very good stand on your money then you’ll be just find. It probably won’t get better anytime soon with the stress of debt BUT just give it time. And work togerher, communicate with each other. Its not the end of the world. And your not a failure if you decide to put off grad school for another year. Relax, enjoy being married.(as soon as you get into your house, you’ll be able to relax a lot more easier). Just remember though, if going to school is really important, then do it. Dont give up. We are all going through some tough sh*t as adults, but you’ll survive:)
Keep your chin up pumpkin
I’ll give you my opinion on owning a house. I bought mine for $95,000 in a suburb of Boston in 1980. I sold it in 2011 or there abouts for $330,000. You think..wow..great investment! Well, let me shed some light on that. Without going into great accounting detail, by the time I paid the interest on $95,000 spread over 30 years, figure in home improvements (remodeling kitchen, bath, downstairs, forever painting), I worked on that house every chance I got for 30 years cutting grass, painting..etc. (I was a low paid janitor or slave to the house) so paying myself $10/hour on 10 to 15 hours per week and add in that figure to the equation. I think I just about broke even when I sold it. I don’t think a house is a great investment, but it was a good place to live, so, that counts.
Ya, debt is the American way, but when you’re just starting out I wouldn’t pile on debt so much. It just adds too much stress, as you already know. Don’t become a slave to the system.
Oh, one other thing. I also figured how much it would have cost me to just live in an apartment and leave the maintenance to the landlord. I would have paid in almost the same amount as buying a house, but maybe I could have used the time I spent fixing the damn house doing something more constructive like going to school.. Depends on what you want, I guess