Help me.
I need to get this off my chest.
I think of suicide.
I’m not old but not young and I work as a suicide/crisis counselor. I deal each and every day with people who are hurting, alone and pain-ridden. People who need. And all of them want help. Want peace. Want someone to tell them they will be okay. That the day gets brighter. Just like me. I see as many as 18 separate people a day. I see snapshots of people’s worlds and realities. Of short comings, of emotional issues, of pain they’ve caused themselves or others have caused them. When you speak to someone who is hurting, you feel the hurt, you feel the pain. You feel how they feel.
People are hurt all the time.
I’m simple. I have me. My little home. Barely enough money to afford to live alone which is a feat by itself in this world. I’ve have pain and hurt. I’ve survived trauma and abuse. I haven’t suffered nearly as much as the people I help. But I suffer too.
There comes days like today where I sit in an empty tub and cry, arms pulled tight around legs pressed against chest and rock myself to sleep. But tonight I can’t do this anymore. I have an outcry too. The world is dark and light. It’s lonely and overwhelming. It’s painful. It’s cruel and it is beautiful.
There is no easy way to kill yourself. I’ve seen the methods. I’ve heard pretty extreme ideas. I’ve attempted. I’ve held the hands of loved ones who find their dead family members. I’ve cried with strangers through loss. There is no “painless” way to go. I don’t care who tells that there is. Those who tell you to take meds in some elaborate way and you’ll fall peacefully asleep or to numb out before going, they are wrong. Death is dirty. Is nasty. Is Painful and it will hurt. It will hurt you. It will hurt those around you. Those who tried to help you. Those who find your body.
The only comfort is this: pain can subside. People get better. I’ve seen it. People cope. People learn and people live. They live with pain. It is foolish to think that you can be pain free. The world has pain for a reason. It is to learn. To become stronger. To know that the pain you felt before just made you a better person. To show you that you are human, to test the limitations and to show you that you are alive. So humor me if I sound cliche but pain can show you how to appreciate the things in life that are really important.
If I’ve learned something, anything, in this world is that everyone has crisis. From relationship issues to extreme mental illness, from losing their loved ones to dealing with societal pressure. From young to old. Everyone has crisis. This website is proof enough that people are not alone in their feelings and pain.
I feel overwhelmed. Just like everyone else does. I feel pain. Like everyone else.
I think of suicide sometimes too.
And It’s okay.
We become stronger.
9 comments
If you’re empathetic and cannot emotionally detach yourself from your clients, then it is understandable that you will also take on their suffering, trauma and desire for suicide. I appreciate your perspective because you’re meeting such individuals in the real world, while online there is a psychic detachment.
I always suspected real death is as you described, it’s something we all worry about at the core of our being, which is why many of us haven’t committed suicide already.
My suggestion is to find another line of work or be a therapist for something not as painful as dealing with people who want to end their lives.
One reason I haven’t ended my life though I think about it daily, is for the people I care about…which I can count on my fingers but I want to be around till I know they’ll be ok without me.
I was also contemplating the day I die, earlier today while I was on my break at work-knowing I’ll be returning to the endless nothingness from where I came. I will be no more…it’s hard to fathom or accept but this life is also a wretched thing for me and the simplest, clearest, most obvious answer is to end it. I have little to nothing to live for.
Though I think I’d disagree with you on the methods of dying. I saw a video once (might be on youtube) where in Holland some terminally ill person will given a cocktail of drugs to commit suicide and it was a very smooth and fairly quick process. He drank some liquids, feel asleep and then was confirmed dead soon after.
So there definitely are peaceful, fairly painless ways to go but accessing those methods are difficult when in our societies death is frowned upon and denied to us, yet we kill our pets using compassionate means/euthanasia. It’s an issue that really pisses me off and the only thing that’s holding us back is religious lunatics and their deranged notions of morality.
Thanks for reading secondlife, but if everyone gave up helping those who are suicidal because it is too painful, no one would help. You could be the stone of the world but no one is really immune to suffering because it touches on the basis of who we are as humans.
But let me be deranged with morality a second: If a healthy 12 year old tells me they want to be euthanized . I’d say no. If a 56 year old man with terminal cancer told me he wanted to be euthanized, well I can’t tell him that he’s wrong or right. My two cents on the subject.
Suicidal thought, for some, is temporary.
For those who suffer however it is consistent and repetitive but not hopeless. I’m glad you’re alive. If it counts for something.
My pleasure Leaf and thanks for your response. Well it is noble of you to help others but I think one should draw the line where it reaches the point where the helper needs help too. Sometimes it’s better to let some people drown lest you get drowned also.
I think however there is an underlying assumption in your view, which is that all lives are worth living and you being on the front-lines, could probably understand best that some lives simply aren’t. The fact is that being able to reproduce is easy as turning on a television. I think that’s a dangerous weapon in the hands of irresponsible people.
We see the result of that, miserable lives, orphans, abused children, etc-all the consequences that comes with it. Reproduction should be more regulated than guns, alcohol and drugs. There are what I’d call ‘structural’ problems in certain lives that I don’t believe that can ever be fixed or rectified. Stats show most people are who born in poverty die in it, very few ever escape. Seems to me poor people should stop having children-for starters, along with the mentally and physically disabled, the criminal and so forth.
Certainly you’re providing an essential service with what you do, it’s not something I could really do myself…though I help others in my own way.
At least you’re honest and I think your morality is as deranged as the religious nuts I mentioned, no offense. One’s decision to end one’s life is no one but that person’s. Suffering is completely relative-a 12 yr old child could suffer as much or more as your 56 yr old cancer patient. Think of children who were sexually abused/raped, it utterly destroys their lives and they spend the rest of it trying to heal/recover from that abuse.
I believe that euthanasia should be available for anyone, anytime they want it. However for those people who may have a better prospect at their life I’d recommend giving them a few months of therapy to see if they’d change their mind, but it’d only be optional.
Of course you have nothing to worry about because your perspective is what is mainstream in society today-but I’m hoping over time with more education, people will lean towards mine. None of us chose to be alive-it was forced on us. To me it’s the equivalent of being kidnapped and thrown into a war-zone, the streets of Calcutta, jail, etc against your will…I think you get the picture.
No one should be forced to live a life they never asked for, nor do they want, no matter how great it is…and most certainly not if it’s full of nothing but endless suffering with no end in sight.
Nothing personal, but it means nothing to me if you’re glad I’m alive. It doesn’t make my life any better-though your sentiment is slightly appreciated.
Thanks for your post. I’ve sat on both sides of the fence and I know how difficult it is to engage with a client yet protect yourself from becoming enmeshed. You must have a measure of empathy to truly understand their pain. But the most important thing to learn, and I sense you in fact have become aware that you are no different from those you work with. Some professionals lose sight of that fact. It is good that you have not.
Sometimes things get out of balance and you feel too much – it’s really easy to get to that point being bombarded with all the pain and agony from everyone else. And you need to take time for yourself and focus on your own pain without a lot of distraction. I can’t give you specific ways for doing that because everyone is different. Taking a break now and then might help; it’s especially helpful for you to have someone you can talk to that can listen and support you. We too often forget to maintain a support system when helping others but when you do that you risk burning out.
Remember you are just as important and have needs like everyone else and seeking support is not a sign of weakness but an indication that you know what you need to stay strong. Thank you for the work that you do.
– peace
Thank you for saying thank you. It is a phrase I do not hear often. Also for the reality check, it is so easy to forget to take care of yourself sometimes.
Secondlife, I’m happy you are able to express your thoughts and wants. Think how you wanna think and express what you think. An amazing thing about being alive still is you have that ability. I love opposing views because it allows me to understand people more.
On a note you made about children and sexual assault though; If I had been successful all those years ago: I would not be here now helping children and adults.
There is two sides to every coin. The world is fascinating.
My step-mother nearly ended her life once on an overdose. We were never ‘close’ but she’s usually had been a good person to be around and helped my father a lot. I am glad that she didn’t die, but it’s really for selfish reasons.
My brother-in-law also OD’d-we’ll call him John, they were living in terrible conditions at the time and the constant fighting drove him over the edge…but after a few years, he found a great job and is now probably in the top 5% of income-earners. Though regrettably he is one of these selfish assholes and could’ve pulled some strings to help me get a good job but won’t despite all the help I’ve given them.
Had I not been around, my mother would’ve eventually ended up living on the streets and probably died as a result, John and his family would’ve probably ended in murder/suicide because things really did get that bad for them…but I intervened to diffuse many terrible fights they had and also assist them in a myriad of other ways.
I could go on, I do agree with your point we make a difference in other people’s lives, something literally saving them from death. It’s one reason I’m still around…but I’m not an altruist, I don’t exist to serve others and in some cases I regret helping like with John because there is no payoff, not that I was expecting anything when I did help but you’d think that someone would have gratitude and do something for you in return-when your life has turned around, thanks to their help.
While it’s good of you to help those sexual abused children/adults it doesn’t solve the problem of the abuse in the first place, which I’d largely blame the parents or guardians of these kids.
There is a law of diminishing returns in this, esp. when you assist ingrates. I’ve becoming less ‘nice’ to others as a result and am very careful about who I help and support. Had those people in my life succeeded, I wouldn’t fault them for it, they had their reasons to ‘go’ as I do mine.
Sorry about the bad grammar, it’s late and I’m tired/didn’t proof it.
Leaf thank you for posting on here and for caring so much about your clients. So many times people do those jobs more like because they have to and make it obvious they dont really care, your clients are very lucky to be able to talk with you, express themselves and share their stories being that you genuinely care about what they’ve been through. You deserve to feel better at the end of the day too though so I hope your ok. have a good night all