I do not want to live but I cannot commit suicide!

My life is a living nightmare. I want to die so badly but I can’t ever seem to follow though any plans to commit suicide. It isn’t about anything religious or some sort of moral dilemma. I guess half of reason I am unable to go through with it is the immense pain suicide may be. I mean let’s face it, jumping from a really tall building and having your bones crushed into a million pieces doesn’t seem very attractive as does jumping in front of a train. I have heard so many failed suicide attempts that I fear being in immense pain in a vegetative state. But even with the magical pill of ******** which is said to bring a peaceful death, I still cannot see myself commiting suicide which brings me to my second reason – being a living being is all I have ever known. I do not fear so much the afterlife but everything that I know, my perception of everything will be nothing. It is just too extreme for me to do. My family will be nothing, everything I ever enjoyed will be nothing, I will be nothing. Even when I was in such a bad state that I was hospitalised for not eating and catatonia as a result of my depression, I wanted to die so badly but couldn’t do it.

So instead what I have decided is to do is shorten my life expectancy. It already has been an easy and natural path for me. I have stopped taking dance class because I no longer find joy in dance or any form of exercise for that matter. I don’t have a job so I just live a sedentary lifestyle doing nothing but laying in bed or on the couch. I continue to eat the most unhealthiest food which I find the most yummiest. I have stopped visiting the doctor for all my physical health problems. I don’t get screened for anything no vaccinated which causes me anxiety anyway. I mean who the hell likes needles or getting your boobs painfully squished together? I no longer follow the required intake instructions in regards to my medication for my physical health problems which is easy since I forget to take them anyway. I have seized making contact with any acquaintances as I have read social isolation and not having a partner can shorten your life expectancy. Probably the only people I speak to and see is my family because I live under their roof or people in the mental health services. It doesn’t bother me too much since I am not a social type of person. My self-care duties e.g. showering, are appalling and this is either due to my depression or me just being damn lazy.

I recently overheard a conversation of a 13 year old who commited suicide and it made me feel so much more of a failure that I cannot bring myself to do it but people who are younger and more naive than me can. I mean people do it all the time but I cannot even attempt it even with a plan in place. It just makes me look like an attention seeker when I tell people I feel like killing myself. It makes it look like I do not want to die badly enough when in reality I really do.