I guess there IS everything on the net

I’ve thought about it for years. Tried various ways. Failed (obviously) every time.  Lied my way out of hospital after hospital.  Spent years “reinventing” myself. But can’t escape the overwhelming need to die. Not to die just any way. I need something creative. It cannot look like a suicide. It can NEVER be questioned. My husband doesn’t know and can’t know i am like this. He didn’t know me when i was “depressed,” medicated. In therapy everyday. He knows the now me. That person works 60 hours a week. That person adores her children. That person is positive and upbeat. Fun loving and adventurous.  The real me plans and calculates:what’s the best way to die without it looking like suicide.  Last Sunday i almost hit a deer going 85mph. Instinctively,  I swerved and missed her. I was SO pissed at myself. That was my chance. I could’ve hit her. I could’ve hit the cement in the road. I didn’t.  I’m a coward. Hoping for another chance at death. Crazy? Perhaps. Done? Yes, a long time ago.