It’s just one big cycle

I’ve been coming to this site for over 3 years now. I haven’t posted anything in over a year because I thought that I could fight this feeling of desperation, anxiety, loss and depression on my own. To be honest all I did was block everything out and I have become numb to the core. My world spun out of control last year with my mothers attempted suicide and her failed efforts to take my sister and I on the same journey to death (in simple terms: she tried killing as well by poisoning our dinner). This was the cherry on the cake that turned my heart to ice and I swore to myself that i would never feel depressed again or contemplate suicide ever again for the sake of my younger sister but here I am once again.
It’s different this time, I’m not saddened but whats going on around me. My emotions are completely switched off. I’m going down a path where I’m letting things just happen and not giving two shits about it. I’m in self destruct mode. I hate having pitty parties for myself but the sad truth is that its so much easier to break yourself down than to build yourself up.
I’ve started using different substances to numb the numb feeling that I have (ironic, I know) and the fucked up part is that i like it. I like moving onto the next substance that can take me to another place for a few hours. I like feeling like I’m alive and not some person whose living because he has to. But I don’t like the fact that it has to be this way.
I’ve tried finding the answers to my misery but the truth is so scary! Going down this path means I have to answer questions that I have buried deep in my subconscious. I don’t know if I can handle the answers to these questions, I’m not strong enough.
Why am I writing this post? I guess because I’ve realized that you can only escape your thoughts for so long before they come back to haunt you and I’m scared. I’m scared that I will reach that point where I take my life and leave my sister to fend for herself in this cruel and messed up world. I’m scared that my own demons will get in the way of me making something out of my life and I’m scared that I will be like this forever. After all, its comfortable in the darkness where no one can hurt you.