Jammy.

My name is Jammy, I used to write a lot, i used to read a lot, i used to draw, paint and climb everything i looked, I also used to pull my hair, crash my head against the wall or fight my siblings when i was mad, and all nights i used to cry until i felt asleep, Mom couldn’t look at me when she came tired from work so she used to send me to the backyard at nights, first I was scared (just as every kid would) but then I start it to like, i enjoyed it being there but that wasn’t normal for a little girl, and when i grow up more (12 years) reading books all day wasn’t normal either “She must like satan and she must want to be a witch” my mother used to think and said you shall not read anymore Jammy go study your classes is school classes what you must be reading and learning not the devilish Machiavelli, so i stopped reading, but at nights i still went to darkness it was a friend, i know there was a friend he used to listen to me everyday and night not the friends of flesh and bones or the magical ones people talk about, it was the void talking to me in my despair, in the middle of my violent family it was there for me. So mom thought it was devil the one i was worship but i do not believe in devil or god, or those magical friends people talk about; anyway there has always been something inside me some desperate thing trying to free itself 24/7 the thing would cry for its freedom tearing and biting everything on it’s way and growing and growing more each day that pass and the thing is sad and feel it crying but It’s hard to take it out i don’t know where it is I feel it in my brain, my stomach running through my blood, I have let the blood run out and puke my guts out just to discover it’s not there. So i did what mom said I throw all the things I wanted the dreams, the paper, the happiness, my hand, numbed my brain until there was nothing alive, fill it with pills for it’s own or that’s what the doctor said but again the monster that haunted my dreams just became bigger and bigger until i snapped and i wanted it out and i took the pills make it bigger cut my life and in the last moment of breathing i listened the sweet voice of my little sister calling and i walked and woke up “She woke up” people said and the monster was out i thought but after a weak the thing whispered my name next to the screams of my mother the ones she used to give me when i was younger, and the good news is i found out the monster became smaller I was able to sleep at nights and that lasted years but last year i felt it crawling bigger inside like a 8 months pregnant women would feel her baby and the months felt sadder and it cried every night with me, nonstoping for months and months until i saw pure perfection enter by the door in front of me and the monster hated it so i tried to take the boy out as much as i could but he stayed and in 18 years of my life the monster stopped i didn’t hear him in months i thought  he died inside of me and i would carry it inside as a symbol of victory until the monster started to massage my insides telling storied of my past and the past of the world and the future of it and it was sad it was and it will be a cruel world this one and i couldn’t deal with it so the boy found out about my parasite and he left without  even a note, he ran away because the darkness i used to talk to when i was kid never left, it just moved silent around me without me even noticing and now i am trying to scape from it but it always finds me, and i want to disappear not to die not to kill the sadness growing inside me, just to disappear and feed the monster until it’s brave and strong enough to rip my body in two and send itself free but how? Even if i tried i do not want to kill myself (for now) i desire to hide myself of the world i do not want another person to leave, i just want to lay on the ground and wait for my dead because as sad as it sounds i still have the hope the boy will return. Sorry for the unworthed long post and sorry for mistakes it’s not my motherlanguage.