My dads’ cousin just hung himself. I’m not going to the funeral – I met him maybe once and barely remember him. Yet it makes me feel… I’m not even sure what. Sad doesn’t quite cover it.
I’ve been thinking about suicide myself for several months now (have considered it many times before, but this is the longest prolonged period where it has seemed the only solution). I guess that just always makes me feel sympathetic to those who do go through with it. More than a year ago an actor, rather famous in my country, killed himself. I wasn’t all that much of a fan of his, just knew he existed pretty much, but I kept thinking about him for a few days and talking to people about him (never really saying anything), until I broke down crying in my therapists office. Well, now I’ve distanced myself from her (just like I always do with everyone) and even if she took me back (which I doubt), I have no courage to even ask her. Basically I have no one to talk to and don’t quite know what I want to say even if I did.
As far as I’m concerned I’ve pretty much given up on life, just can’t get up the will to kill myself. But I don’t even care to talk about that, what I want to say is… I don’t know, my dads’ cousin killed himself and though I’m not even sure I remember his name right, I’m crying, because it’s heart wrenching and sad and I’m pretty sure I know how he felt. And I care, and I couldn’t even say anything when my dad told me because I didn’t know what to say and because the things I might say might tell him I’m thinking about following him.
I’m sorry for this hardly meaningful rant, but I had to tell someone.
2 comments
hugs
Thanks. These days I don’t usually care about communicating or having someone respond to me anymore, but this was not one of those times. Thank you for reading and letting me know.