meh

Taking fate into ones own hands is either within the concepts of courage or fear. I feel courageous at this moment of my life, unafraid of the possible judgement that lay before me. Perhaps it’s because I’m oblivious to the actual torture and loss of mercy awaiting on the other side. I never intended for my life to unravel in the way it has. So much has transpired throughout the course of the years whilst being diagnosed and at a time when I’ve found true happiness, the true symptoms arise. They have all said to be strong and to keep on fighting and although my life has been through some terrible things like many others I find myself alone in the emotions I’m feeling despite the relative associations to my despair given by others. This illness, these emotions, they create a spiraling darkness of emptiness and unavoidable pain. I want to escape and be with God, if even to hear that I am unworthy to enter into His kingdom I would find my soul at peace to have had to experience Him bestow love, wisdom and His voice alone upon my presence. I find myself conflicted with negative and positive emotions, never knowing how I should truly feel or think about myself and circumstances. I was told not to look at the past yet at every turn it arises, repeating itself and making a mockery of my own personal efforts to move forward. At these moments of depression, I shed no tears and have no feelings of sadness. I clothe the anger within me into a passivity of calm and relaxed mannerisms only to find that it does not appease the way I feel. But if I don’t do this, I become struck with the notion that perhaps I will act out or even speak ill pertaining to the feelings inside of me.

I have a wonderful family whom I love and am proud of. Their efforts were not invalid nor could they had been enough, I’m just at a place of loss and failure which consumes me entirely. I feel myself being called to another world, that I no longer belong here and have lived life to my fullest potential. That my change and behavior is well noted and that I’ve served others with selfless intentions throughout the years. My family had attempted to restore the confidence and strength that was in me before whilst reassuring me of their compassion towards me. It’s not that it wasn’t enough, this condition makes it difficult to accept the things of others intended for my benefit and success.

I no longer want to live, it is beyond a fact. I’ve given up wanting to see my future through and expectations of a prosperous career. Aside from my families compassion, I’ve stayed this long for one individual whom I intended to marry and raise children with. We’ve made noticable sacrfices in our short time together. However short, it has felt like we’ve known each other forever. There were times where I doubted her loyalty, her intentions and purposes and yes.. even her love. There were times where I imagined she’d be better off with another, or simply better off without me. And although I could not bare the thought of her with someone else, I’ve come to terms with myself and my undying necessity to see this through.

There is no vindiction involved, no calling to prove myself or condition unto others. There is no aspect of animosity or hostility, I’m at peace with this decision. I have experienced anger and stress in my life but never to this degree. It literally distracts me from finding reasons or even values to rest my life upon. It interferes with my ability to comprehend the goals and ambitions I’ve thought over many times for myself.

As cliche as writing a letter is, I’m in no position to deny that this seems to be the only safe and secure way as not to trouble others with this choice. And yet still, I have no tears.

If I am to go through with this, I have to make sure it is done effectively and efficiently. That there is no return or coming back. I don’t want to be saved nor rescued. I’m not asking to be babysat throughout the entirety of this struggle, nor am I asking for a sympathy party. As you are, enjoying life and all it has to offer, just know that God designed a purpose for you and to keep on going.

And yet I’m still here, writing this letter. Is there still a desire to live? Wondering the outcome of my future? If I don’t live for myself then who should I live for, for her? How much longer shall I continue to suffer and consider myself strong?

I don’t have the answers to these questions and I’m sure no one does either despite the inspiration they’ve attempted to place in my heart. I can’t continue on with this pain, it’s immeasurable and unpredicatable. It causes me to suffer against myself, circumstances and chances of moving forward. I don’t know what else to do and this seems to be the only way.

I know this will come off as dissappointing to others. Others who deemed me strong and vigilant, but I can’t. I really do just want to be with God if not just seeing His face and hearing His voice. I know He exists and I’m of no awareness if this act will be within His pleasure or wrath yet I’m willing to take the chance just to escape this relentless pain.

At this point I hate myself. I see myself as a failure, an under achiever, defeated, ugly, weak, cheated, deceived, abandoned, alone, doubtful, confused, angry, anxious, stressed, conflicted, regretful, frustrated, bothered, disturbed, foolish, depressed and a pawn. I don’t see any self worth. I don’t see any value of my life. I don’t feel the need or necessity to continue on and fulfill any personal motivations towards happiness. I just want to be at peace and have nothing to deal with this pain.

I know there will be many finding my act selfish. It’s very difficult to explain these emotions that I’m feeling, they are new to me and without remorse. I know they will also be angry with me and wondering why I did it, why I couldn’t just persevere and continue on. It just feels right and these emotions convince me that it is best for all that I just go. I’ve yet to shed any tears or begin to feel sad. I’m content with this decision and I could only hope that they grow into their own lives with greater achievements with little to no obstacles and eventually forgive me.

I’m not trying to manipulate the way anyone should feel, or have people concerned about me. Why should they put their lives on pause for such a troubled individual?

I can’t bare the thought of never being able to marry her, I suppose that is my only arrangement with sadness. I wanted to be her husband so badly, to bring us children into this world but I find that with the issues surrounding my life, emotions, mentality and health will never cease and only create problems for us. She shouldn’t have to dedicate her life towards looking after someone else who is as troubled as I am. Such dedication would cause frustration, stress, feelings of inadaquecy, low self esteem and unhappiness. She was never intended to be someones babysitter in this life and I can only hope that she is able to move on from this and find love. A love that is stable and without the issues I’ve had to face. A love that provides and is able to see her through to her potential. A love that is pure and deserving and meant specifically for her happiness.

I guess I’m writing to put this off, there is a part of me that wants to be that love in her life. That wants to show my family our marriage and bring about our children into their presence. A side of me that wants to see our future through and isn’t with all these circumstantial issues that have remained dominant. And then there is the other side of me. The side that doesn’t believe her or anybody else’s words or actions. A side that doubts these people actually care and wonders whether this is all just a ploy whilst they await for me to commit to my own fate. It’s a side that finds it hard to accept compassion and is fueled by negativity. A side that continuously prevokes the opportunity before me to just go.

My family has been through much hardship and struggle. They’ve overcome their own demons and have persuaded themselves that success is the only option. To me, they are strong and filled with unlimited potential. They are intelligent, giving and hard workers who live their day to day lives as men and women and children of God.

Another aspect which is holding me back is whether or not this ‘plan’ of mine will work and has been fully thought through. I don’t want to be found, placed in a hospital and ‘brought back to life’. I just want to go. I don’t want to hear about the fears and tears of those who have claimed to care about me. I don’t want to wake up to more lectures on the benefits of living and that certain things require others a certain amount of time and strength. I don’t want to hear that I was throwing away the possibilities of marriage and children. I don’t want to hear about my disdain towards personal intelligence, talent, skill and other mentions of creativity and ethics.

I have no hope left.

Yes I do love my family. Yes I do love her. Yes I do love the idea of marriage and children. I love God, I love Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I love the idea of heaven.

Now the tears begin, but I’m holding them back.

I don’t wish to hurt anyone with this act, nor do I wish to cause them long term pain. I only hope that they’ll be able to know I’m at peace and can move on with the reassurance that they themselves never would have to face such peril within them. I can only hope that they understand that this has nothing to do with what they could have done or said or shown. I hope that they realize their being in my life had changed me into the man I was, whom dedicated his life towards helping others and seeking God. I hope they understand that there is nothing they did or said which influenced these emotions or pain that I feel.

I’m not hearing voices or seeing things or smelling things. This has nothing to do with my mental illness in itself but plenty to do with the symptoms it is currently developing.

I’ve been hosptialized multiple times. Alone many, many times. Although I’m no longer afraid, I’ve had several moments during the time of my mental illness to experience the depth of fear. Working triple shifts, only to awaken to dead bodies laying mutiliated beside me. I never screamed or ran. I would look at them as they looked at me and at the blink of an eye they were gone. I’ve smelt death on my hands by picking up clothing and other objects in the middle of the night. I’ve seen shadows form themselves into spirits and demons and evil persons of ill intent. I’ve been in the position where voices would psychologically taunt my behaviors into wiggling my toes, looking up and down, swallowing spit and deciding when I should and shouldn’t blink throughout the course of 24 hours only to then be succumbed to the violent and hostile hostage situation that took place in my mind the arriving sun up. I’ve gone sleepless nights of 3 to 4 days in fear. I’ve walked the streets of snow in flip flops to appointments. I’ve been homeless and never once ate out of the trash, off the street or begged for money. I’ve had prayer sessions with God over the safety of a young woman during my time of counseling and preaching, I saw her being afflicted by evil and asked if I could take that affliction instead. The next day I was covered in blisters, I had to walk around my home with a scarf on. The following week whilst wearing this scarf, I had not eaten for 14 days and weighed 180 lbs at the time. After 14 days I weighed 90lbs due to high metabolism. My hips were showing, my ribs were showing. I had no meat on my arms or legs and at the time my face was still covered in blisters. The only sanctuary I had was singing the name ‘Hosana’ over and over whilst laying on the floor, feeling the hands of angels rock me to sleep ever so now and then. I’ve had the voices follow me to work after a sleepless night of taunting, disturbing my performance and ability to concentrate. I’ve heard the threats of demons, evil spirits and satan himself while undergoing the torment throughout the past days. I’ve seen the angels fighting demons on the walls whilst I was confined to a room and within that same room I’ve had the demons from the pits of hell reach out for my legs. Tripping me and pulling me consistently throughout the night.

I’ve been through many things beyond my own comprehension or explainations but these things never took away my belief in God. I always turned to Him, requesting that He make a way.

I no longer have fear because I’ve experienced enough of it. Fear was a big part of my life for 4 years. Within those 4 years, my will to live and desire to succeed allowed me to exist within this life up to this point. And though I done away with fear and accepted death I doubt anyone else will understand.

I hope they understand that this isn’t just a typical man who decided life wasn’t worth living one day. I changed my life around by studying psychology. By studying neurophilosphy. By studying philosophy. By studying the Bible. By studying etymology. By refocusing and recenentering the way I thought and seen myself. But I’ve reached a point where I’ve come to terms that with all those things combined, I could never forsee the issues I’ve had to face currently.

I’ve taken it upon myself to decide my own fate. My experiences, failures, emotions and all that encompasses the pain I feel mentally and emotionally point in this decision. My body is falling apart on a constant basis. The stress is overwhelming and the anxiety consistent. The anger rages in me to do things beyond my moral standard. I refrain from others and initiated to isolate myself only to find out that isolation is a symptom of what I go through. I’m stuck and trapped with what to do and yet I don’t care to do anything about it.