Hello everyone, this is my first post, I think even my first post on the internet. I have read alot of your stories and they touched and moved me deeply and brought me to tears. If in some way I could be of help to someone out there just give me a message and I will be there for you. You are not alone in this nightmare.
Now for my story, I am a 32 year old man from the Netherlands, born slighty autistic ( I got traits from Asperger). My life has always been ‘different’ because in my mind I connect the dots different and my mind hangs between fantasy and reality. I sometimes also have mood swings which can change in seconds. For example I can be very silent and introvery and 5 seconds later I can talk your ears off and can be very open. During my youth I had great difficulty since I lacked social skills, was always the silent introvert type and was always seen ‘different’ so the other kids bullied me a lot since I was an easy target who wasn’t able to defend himself because I didn’t knew how to respond and because I was afraid. As the years passed I began to learn more and more and even began ‘experimenting’ with my emotions and actions. There came even a point where I was able to ‘hide’ my autism and people did not even knew I was autistic if I hadn’t told them. Sorry if I keep rambling, I just want to share my story. Even though I might have appeared ‘normal’ to most people around me I myself was unhappy and lonely. For years ‘friends’ came and went since I was too changing, one moment I said this and another moment I said that. My so called ‘friends’ told me I was too ‘changing’ and could never figure me out. I didn’t do that on purpose, it was just that in my mind things work differently.
Now for the part where I thought about commiting suicide (and I am still not sure whether I should or shouldn’t). Almost a week ago I lost everything that I loved so much, namely my girlfriend and her son. They didn’t die or anything, she just left me and doesn’t want contact anymore….I love(d) her so much, she was my world, my everything, and I lost her because she said I was too ‘different’ and she said I only bring pain and suffering. She thought I was chasing after other women. Since I can’t control my body language my talk and actions don’t line up. She thought I was interested in another woman (which I would never be since she was my world, my joy, and my happiness) and she said that she wasn’t able to thrust me because she couldn’t figure me out since I was too changing and didn’t knew what to make of me. She said that I should continue alone with my life and doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore :'( We were even discussing marriage and children and we were so happy together (or at least I thought so)….I lost everything because I couldn’t be born ‘normal’ and can interpret the things different and fail to notice the obvious. At this moment when I am writing this down I wish I would never have been born…it looks like all I can do is fail and unintentionally hurt the people I love the most. For 32 years it didn’t matter what I tried to change, learn, or which details I altered by myself, I always find myself right at this point….so lonely and sad, I am sick and tired of living alone and where I can’t understand the people and vice versa. Sure some say, lives goes on and you will find the right person. Well I am 32 now and only had that one relationship with that one woman. I am just so tired of myself, unintentionally hurting the people around me since I appear to be too dumb to recognize the obvious and to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again (and thrust me that I tried everything to correct those mistakes). It goes well for a short amount of time, but then always bad things happen and everyone just leave me to rot. What even hurts me the most of all is that I probably destroyed that womans live. In the last e-mail she wrote me that she is tired of all the pain and hurt caused by my actions and that she can never thrust another person anymore. I feel so ashamed, guilty, sad, and every other bad feeling you can probably feel, not only for myself, but mostly for her. I really thought I was doing the right thing and that I was such a good person…Well I was wrong again and unintentionally hurt the person which was most dear to me with my stupidity and my actions :'( I feel like I don’t deserve to live, I don’t want to hurt people I want to help and support people, but it looks like I can only destroy and cause pain. I don’t want to be this way, I feel so useless, unimportant, lonely, sad, and I hate myself. I have enough of myself and this pattern of loneliness and suffering and hurt. Some moments I think about ending my life (and I feel like I need to suffer and deserve this), and other moments I don’t want to die….it’s just that the pain and hurt is so much that I believe that the world is better off without me since it looks like all I can do is unintentionally hurt the people around me and destroy their lives. I don’t know what the future holds, but since my girlfriend left me I am changed, I feel severe depressed, I am afraid of myself, I don’t want to cause pain or hurt, and I feel like I don’t deserve anything good or to be loved. I wish I wouldn’t wake up anymore and to be with our great Adonai (God) Yes I am a believer, but right now it feels like HaSatan is knocking on my door…I wish it was all just over and that I wasn’t born. It looks like the keywords in my life are: different, alone, empty, unloved, and not wanted by anyone.
I think I will be ‘alright’ after some time after the sever depression is gone, but the scars will always be there.
Well that is my story in the big lines, I just felt like sharing this. Perhaps someone out there will read this, perhaps no one will, I really don’t care anymore at this point.
My heart goes out to all of you, to those who also see no other alternative and to those who are suffering. If you are reading this and just want someone to talk to or listen just send me a message and I will be there for you and help how ever I can.
Love and peace to all of you out there.
12 comments
Nice job. Thanks for your first post. You sound like a very sincere, warm, friendly guy. You have some great insights into whats going on around you. Keep on my friend.
Thank you, I will at least try!
Just reading your post. You write well and from the heart hey. Am sorry to hear about your break up. That can hurt for sure. Loneliness sucks but it may not be for long, hope so for you 🙂
I hope so too, and thank you for your replay. I have heard that I am a good writer and can talk well. My problem/difficulty how ever is that what I say and write don’t always seem to work together with what I represent. It’s something I am trying to understand and improve.
Please don’t feel so depressed about the things that have happened, try and put them behind you otherwise you’ll keep hurting and you don’t deserve that. I suppose if you find it difficult to change the way you are then you’ll need to try and find people who’ll be supportive of you, to recognise that you are a caring person. I hope you will get over this break-up, move on and that you’ll find someone new who will love you and be with you. It’s good you came here and posted your story, I hope it helps.
Thank you for your reply. It’s a little bit complicated for me, I tried to change (and I changed alot during the years) and to find people who care, but it is very difficult (for me) to find someone who truly accepts you as you are since I can ‘change’ very often. People here (in Holland) like to know what to expect of someone instead having insecurity or doubts about that perso . Sure the people are nice to me and supportive, but that’s just their appearances. Like my ex-gf now, she said she tried her best, but in the end she couldn’t thrust me and left me because I was ‘different’. The bottom line for me is that no matter what I try to change or alter I always end up at the same miserable place. And I am 32 now and tried everything. I am positive I will get over this and I feel a bit better already, but the scars and wounds will take a long time to heal.
I realise now how difficult it must be for you, I find I’m an introvert so I’m alone as well, but for a different reason, too quiet. My belief is that there is someone who can love another no matter what, and you seem like a good person even if your description as different is correct. It’s sad that you try to change and fail, be yourself, idk, I’m 46 and know I can’t change the way I am so I hope to find a caring woman one day who’ll take me in and love me. I really hope you find someone, is Holland that different to the UK, I suppose there’ll be some differences, I’m sorry I don’t know what else to say other than I understand, but I still want you to keep hopeful.
Well, from what I have learned it is always good to be yourself, cause if you are not true to yourself or wear a mask people will find out the truth out sooner or later. I don’t know much about the UK, but from what I have heard from foreign friends is that Holland is a very cold country and people tend to be very independent, have huge ego’s, are distant, closed, and only seem to care for themselves. I guess most of that description is true and people here can be very nasty. And thank you I will keep hopeful, and I am positive that you will find a caring woman someday.
Welcome RollingRonnie,
There are so many variables that could of brought about this separation. These may not all be credited to you. Maybe this lady has fears of commitment now or found someone else. She could be using harsh words directed twords you to bring about a quick end where few Questions can be asked. Anyway, this is not a place for blame or who’s right or wrong. That fact is you loved her, and your life has been improved by knowing her and sharing time with her. Let her go and don’t beat yourself up. If you truely love her you will expect nothing in return, ever. Take what you have learned and use it to form a more informed and knowledgeable you. When paths lead away, it sucks adjusting to change.
Thank you for your reply. There were indeed many variables to our break-up and were two people fight there are two people to blame. How ever the fact remains that she left me because I was ‘different’. This form of event happened my entire life, it just hadn’t such a deep impact as it did now. And I will learn from it, but it takes time for the scars and wounds to heal since one of my caractertraits are that I take the things too personal.
I would say we are all different. I also understand “too different ” for a relationship to work. Even though that could be an ego getting in the way , as to say “i am me ” and you are you. I like people like me and i don’t like people like you. Lots of conflict and war is in this world because of that.
As far as the deep impact this has had on you, it that just because you wanted it to finally work out, more so then you ever wanted it to at a younger age?
I wanted it to work because she made me feel happy and complete and she was the woman who I would spent the rest of my life with and for who I would do anything. I gave everything of myself in this relation. When I was younger I never had a girlfriend, someone who cared about me and was so close to my heart, that’s why the impact is so great.