I think the saddest part isn’t that a year ago at this time I thought I had it all figured out. The saddest part isn’t that the girl I love more than anything stopped waiting for me to find a way to get back to the same town so we could be together. I don’t even think the saddest part is that in the year I had to get things on the right track that few if any things worked in my favor. No, the saddest part is that I will be having a birthday in a few weeks, and that I will be 27 (nearly 30…closer to 30 than 20). I waited almost 26 years to have a chance at happiness. A month ago, that chance was taken from me.
At first, I was stoic about it. I had bigger issues (bills to pay for one), and I was able to stay distracted with those. After the first week or so, though, it has gone downhill and fast. I have never had terrific sleep habits, but I always slept eventually and once I was asleep, I could stay asleep for 7-9 hours. In the last few weeks, my sleep comes only in 4-5 hour spurts, only when I am most exhausted. Otherwise, I spend my (mostly) nights pacing, crying, hurting. I started this past month with the motto of “helpless not hopeless.” That is, I could not do much (if any) to fix the situation, but I had some small sliver of hope that I would be saved by some (not necessarily divine) intervention. October 2014 has been the month from hell. I do not want to die. Not explicitly. But I have little want to live. I had told myself that if something did not change by the time October turns to November, then I am done. November is almost here, and I am neither scared nor worried. I am resigned to my fate. I do not expect anything to stop it. I am not even sure I would want that. Sometimes life just isn’t worth living, and that is okay. Not everyone gets to be happy or successful or wealthy or smart or a million other things. In the wrong situation, anyone would be miserable.
My biggest worry is that she will blame herself if I do it. It is not her fault. She didn’t choose him OVER me, as I wasn’t a feasible option. She choose him OVER nothing. With the right financial or employment situation, I could be with her tomorrow. She told me directly about it. She didn’t hide it. She wasn’t cruel. She hasn’t thrown me out of her life. Still, there is next to no chance that I could be with her in the next few months or even the next year. The longer her relationship goes on, the harder it is to get her out of it, and the more serious it becomes. I don’t want to live a life without her, but that is all that is left in reality. I am not sure if I will send her a final note (maybe an email). It won’t make it easier for her, and frankly, I don’t feel like putting much effort into anything at this point.
That is all I have. In some ways, writing this here has made my decision easier. It has be helpful to think it through in words. Thanks for reading, if you have.
5 comments
I’m very sorry to hear your story. I’m staying in long distance relationship too.3.500km. My boyfriend is even more depressed than I’m. This girl, I think she shouldn’t have stopped her awaiting. You know, there are things worth waiting. And things you’d regret. I’m very sorry. I hope that things will right. Sometimes they do it totally unexpected.
Thank you for sharing.
As someone who very recently turned 27… I feel you. A scary time to be alone.
I’m happy to have found this post. Thank you for sharing this. My situation is very complicated but in short story, the guy that I am in love with said he would be with me forever ended up not waiting for me because we lived so far away. He ended up getting close to another girl and he’s unsure of me. He even admitted that if I was closer in distance then he wouldn’t have gotten closer with her…
It’s hurt, to be far away and to feel like I am not important anymore to the one person I admire, love, and see the most. Because of this ordeal, I’ve been very depressed, sick, no appetite, sleep all the time, and in pain 24/7 knowing that he would rather talk to her throughout the day than text me “hi” once a day…
I made an appointment with a therapist on Nov 6… but I don’t know if I can hold on until then. My family and friends are far away since I moved for school. Even if other people who might not understand your decision to end it, I understand. I don’t know if it will ever get better for you or for me but only time will tell. I can tell you that after each day, I am somewhat happy I made it to the next..then I am not as weak as I thought..
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. It is so helpless when you know things could be great if only you could change the circumstances.
I wish I could go to therapy or be medicated, but I am without medical coverage, due to being unemployed.
I am certainly not disappointed when I wake up that I made it to another day, but the sadness sets back in sooner and sooner. I had been able to distract myself better until the last week or so.
I sincerely hope things improve for both of us. Feel better.
I get what you mean…Even though I made it to another day, I still go up and down with my sadness. I try to distract myself with hot showers, walks, talking to friends, or just watching shows but it’s always in the back of my mind. Today, I finally felt okay for the most part. I got really down…felt so weak and pointless but it only lasted a couple of hours. I thought this was a small improvement compared to feeling like crap for the entire day after weeks of misery, crying all the time.
I know there are places that offer free therapy, if you want I can help you look for them online. The only reason I decided to see a therapist is because it was offered to students through my university. Otherwise, no because it’s expensive..even with medical coverage and I just don’t have that kind of money.
Thank you, I hope so too.