oh how the years have gone

Im laying here in my bed. Wondering what kind of man i really am? I adore my children. I have a great job. My wife is good to me sometimes. Life shoukd be all dandy but its not!! My wife and i have been together for 7 almost 8 yrs. We fight alot and have grown distant, we differ on alot of things one being raising our kids theres her way(spoiling) then theres my way(stearn). Im blamed for being to hard on them because im the only one who is? Im the only one convinced im not a bad father. I fear my kids hate me. There 8 and 6 btw. Im starting to believe the hurtful things that my wife says about me are really true, ive struggled with depression for most of my life from 13 to 31. And over the years ive dealt with some pretty nasty things.  Is there really hope? Is there really honest true caring people in this world?  I grew up with out a dad from 6 on.  I always thought one day i would see him again. Unfortuniatly our paths crossed again when he passed away. I was 13. I often wondered why he left for all those yrs. You see he was homeless and i never saw him. But in his notes in his car i found out he saw us(mysis too). That gave me hope but i then asked why he stayed away if he as s that close to us? Well now as a father im starting to realize why. I think he would have thought it was better to be away from us so he couldnt cause us any pain. Im now starting to wonder the same about me and my kids. But for me im not that strong. Ive often thought about leaving for good running away. But in my mind i would always be thinkinv about them. So i thi , k its best that i just end it. Divorce is in my near future as my wife says your a horrible father but i love you and your a great partner. You shouldnt have kids ur not meant to be a fath er. I zdont know if i can bear the hurt of watching some other smuck tuck my kids in every night. Having them call him dad!!! I makes me so angry to know what there life will have in store for them.  Ive been here before. Working enough courage to do it. Im not afraid of death. Im afraid of whT lies will be told about me when im gone. And whats waiting for me on the other side……….