raven

I have this friend who has been clinically diagnosed with severe depression. I have only known her for a little over a year but within that time period we have become so close that now I can call her my best friend and my rock. I have not told her about my depression though, but I think it is better this way. I am afraid to tell her how bad I am because then I am afraid that she will think that I am only making it up to be like her. I am not a conformist nor do I ever plan to be, but the idea still sits in the back of my head and I fear that I will never have the courage to tell her. Her boyfriend and her have broken up before and when he did end things; she took it upon herself to say that she was going to kill herself and I was standing right there. I felt so discredited because from what I have known, she has always said that I protect her and that I am important to her. If I am so important to her why did she see right through me? I felt so useless that the night I got back to my house I relapsed and started taking pills again. The pills virtually do nothing but I work myself up to the point where I forget how many I took and take more. It is my numbing process a way to seize the pain. My parents are useless, I told my mum and my step-dad once that I wanted to kill myself and the only thing my step-dad said was, “Join the club.” Now I refrain from telling them how I feel because A.) Nothing good will come out of it simply because my parents are too small minded to admit that suicide is an issue in my life B.) My step-dad works for the government and any issue of mine, especially mental illness, will reflect on him and will result in an interrogation for my family and C.) I am too afraid to leave my four year-old brother with them. My parents fight often and it usually results in multiple things breaking and it petrifies my younger brother. I am afraid that if I get sent away that something will happen to him and I would not be able to live with myself if something did happen. So I take it all out on myself and I have heard it all, “Use your energy for something useful”, “Find a hobby”, “Grow a pair and get over it.” I can’t. I have tried so hard to tell myself that I’m okay but I’m not and I feel so unwanted to the point where I need to feel numb. I never admitted to having suicidal thoughts until my 15th birthday. I still do not want to admit and that’s okay because I have no one to tell. Not even my family or my best friend. I am in this by myself. Sometimes I am tempted to call the hotline but I am not willing to risk them tracing the call. It sucks so much. I have no one to talk to and I know that, that is a cliché statement but I have no one. My sanity is wearing thin and it has led me to writing my feelings to a network of people probably dealing with things worse than mine. I just do not know what to do anymore.