Just an idea – I want to have a look at these later one day. Maybe writing things down will help.
Been up for about an hour and this is what’s crossed my mind thus far during the typical morning coffee.
– $1100 in checking and mortgage coming up. Might not make it again. Who won’t get paid so I can make the mortgage this time? Electric already called twice… Maybe cell phones?
– Need to get my W9 form in to the second job today.
– Grew up poor, wasn’t going to be poor when I got older, here I am. Good job.
– How sad – 30 years and still in the same place as I was when I was a kid, emotionally, financially.
– Gone nowhere, done nothing. Fuck me…
– Still so uncomfortable in front of most people they must think I’m some kind of freak. No wonder they look at me funny. Why do I still feel so fucking different?
– Thank God I never had kids. How would I keep it together for them? They would just be fucked up like me.
– Am I yet at the point where I should quit? Seriously. Every hopeless situation requires someone to consider when it’s time to give up and move on.
– Nope. Wife would be left in a shitty spot and who knows what’s next?
– She’ll be ok, who cares what’s next?
– If I quit now, I will have given up on something else that I can’t go back and change.
– Dude – you’re 42, what changes are coming? You’ve done dick so far. Nada.
– Steve Jobs, Richard Branson. They started out with tiny investments.
– I’m not Steve Jobs, Richard Branson. They showed promise in their ventures as kids. I showed promise maybe only in music and mechanics.
– They had drive, I do not. Talent at anything (if that’s even what I have) is useless without drive.
– I did have it many many years ago. Where the fuck did it go?
– Fuck me. I was up early enough, now gonna be late-ish again.
6 comments
Music is great to have talent in, it can take you somewhere far enough away that you can lose yourself for a minute.. Or even a second is nice.
I would say keep pushing. Sounds like you’ve still got things to show your younger self. Show him you are capable of achieving your dreams! The only thing money does is relieve some financial stress… It doesn’t make people happier, usually it makes them more angry and depressed because they have to work 100 hours a week to keep it comin!
Making/playing music can help, it can also drive you nuts.
On the other hand, I’ve often wondered if people with depression or other ailments make better artists.
Looking at others is a great way to make yourself feel like shit. Being alive is about the only thing I have going and it is something I am not even happy about.
You’re 42? How the hell did you make to that age? You’re married as well?
Can I ask a personal question? As someone who won’t ever have a personal relationship, did you marrying someone help you in terms of the desire to live? Was it just a momentary act to help ease the loneliness, did it help at all? or was it just another avenue to funnel depression through…
Hmmm… Haven’t thought about this in awhile. I married her because she’s really sweet, and she wanted to marry me, and I wanted to make her happy. I liked her a whole lot and I guess I thought that in my numbed-out zombie-like emotional state it must be love if I felt anything that strongly.
Oh and yeah, I guess that because she was such an upbeat happy person I guess I thought she was good for me as well. Had I known that the opposite would happen, and that I would make her more like me than the other way around I wouldn’t have married her.