TL;DR

It’s funny, despite it all, I’ve never felt this at ease before.

Whether its true acceptance, or an effect of events just causing an emotional overload and subsequent shutdown, numbing, and carefree state, I don’t know. Either way it doesn’t really matter.

How I survived the other times still confuses me, seems so simple, how could one screw up something like that, multiple times even, so strange.
An old friend once said to me years ago, “you know they say practice makes perfect”, sorta to lighten up the whole feeling of “how pathetic and useless am I to be able to fuck up something that easy”.
Might seem kinda morbid to some to jest about something like that, but she meant well, and at the time it made sense. Years later, it just emphasizes that initial feeling of being extra useless, to need “practice” to get it right

Do I wish I had been different? Yes. Do I wish I had done different? Of course. I doubt there is anyone who don’t have regrets. Nor do i doubt those of us “blessed” with anxiety, depression, or disorders alike, would rather have been without. Resulting in the actions done and outcomes made, into the life we lived.
Do I accept the things I can’t change? Yes, doesn’t mean I have to like it or wouldn’t have wanted different.
I would have liked to have been able to smile more

It’s grey outside, heavy rain pouring down on and off every 10 minutes, cloudy, windy and cold. Yet somehow it seems so beautiful to me, more than it has in a long while. And I’m calm

Calm enough to actually post here, don’t know why, never have before, here nor elsewhere. Haven’t felt the need to, don’t really now either. Not even necessary for me to be read. Suppose I just wanted to leave something behind, “my mark” if you will, in the flooding sea that is internet forums and posts.
Sorta like “I was here”

I hope the clouds clear up a bit tonight, I would like to get to see the stars