I found this site while searching for ways to make suicide appear to be accidental. At first I thought it was a place for methods, but after reading other people’s stories, I figured it couldn’t really hurt to share my situation, just to see if getting it out there will help me out any.
I married the love of my life a little under two weeks ago. We’ve lived together for almost two years now, so he knows how bad my depression gets. I feel terrible because I’m always hurting him. He can tell when I’m sad, and he doesn’t understand why I won’t tell him what’s bothering or why I lie about whether anything is wrong. The truth is, I can’t tell him. The few times I have told him about my suicidal urges, he blamed himself, and that makes it all the more unbearable for me. He’s the only thing that makes me even remotely happy, but, overall, I feel like I’m a lost cause. So I put on a smile for him to make his life easier (although he can see right through every single one of my happy pretenses). There’s no reason that both of us should be miserable.
My depression is worst in the winter. The weather here is still very nice, even as high as the mid-80s this weekend, but I’m already feeling miserable. I’ve decided that the only thing I can do is try to make it easy for him. He knows I’m not happy, but I’m forcing myself out of bed each morning and trying to be as productive as possible. I’ve been looking into life insurance, so that my debts and some of his future expenses will be covered. And I’ve been thinking about how to make it all seem like an accident, which is vital if I want my husband to receive any of the life insurance I plan on purchasing. I’ve considered “falling” off of a bridge or building or getting hit by a semi, but I think he’ll know deep down it wasn’t an accident.
Part of me is also hoping that getting these affairs in order will buy me some time to let the depression pass, at least until it comes back, and who knows when that’ll be…
4 comments
I’m battling some bad depression, too. For his sake, and yours, I would reach out for help. You’re married to the love of your life. Plan your future together. You married each other because you love each other. Build on that love.
Well, it seems that with the life insurance being an aspect of your plan that you do intend to show him that you care for him and have considered his security in life as one of your determinations. Simply put, if you can think along those lines, apply that energy and strength into your everyday life and allow yourself to grow, mature and develop into the person whom you want to be. You are aware that he doesn’t understand so tell yourself not to take offense at his personal accusations. You are aware that he doesn’t suffer the way you suffer, so take the opportunity to lessen your pains on the thoughts of what you are putting him through. If he decided to marry you, then by all means he thought to himself that he were strong willed and devoted to your every need and willing to sacrifice or rather intentionally devote his time, life, love and energy towards your happiness. Things have more than likely been rocky for you, but perhaps by not letting go of what is important to you on a permanent basis will allow you to continue the fight you’ve been carrying against depression. Otherwise ask yourself, “why at this point in my life, after the many years of fighting depression that I find true love does the decision to end my life appear?” Surely, after the many years of being alone that you’ve fought with depression you are able to confide in the thought that you’ve found someone else willing to fight with you? Take Care.
If you depression is worse in the winter, it might be Seasonal Affective Disoder. One of my friends had that. He bought a special light to keep in his room to balance his “day time” and “night time”.
He said it really helped his depression. It’s something to look into.
It sounds like you love your husband very much. Someone told me recently that a marriage is about supporting each other in tough times. I think that’s really true.
After I got married, because I got married, I lost my job. I was (still kinda am) very depressed because of that. I told my wife about my feelings and she said it was her fault. That because I she married me, all of this happened. But I’m the one who proposed, so it’s my fault. But she’s the one who asked me on a date, so it’s her fault.
Nonsense. It’s neither of our faults. It just happened. And we’ll deal with it together. You husband wants to help you, and as his wife you should let him help you. When you get married you become family and family must support each other.
I don’t make as much money as my wife anymore, and she pays for some things for me. But I work hard, so she doesn’t mind. I still don’t like it very much, but she always stressed one important thing: Seeing me happy is more important than anything else.
I’m sure your husband feels the same way. He wants to make you happy. You have to talk with him more about your feelings and he will help you through it. Two hearts are stronger than one.
You face the struggle between depression and the love and support of you husband, depression is a cruel thing, robbing you of both energy and hope. Let your husband help you, tell him it’s not his fault but he is the reason why you want to fight it, to keep going, that together you both can and will have a future. I know that despite people caring, depression is a difficult thing to overcome but you have a reason and a desire to do this and I hope you can succeed. You say that you hope posting here will help you, I hope it has and perhaps you’ll consider continuing to use the site.