What would I say?

What would I say? What would they want to hear? What would they want to know? These are a few of the questions that I have about what will happen after I’m gone. Other than that there really isn’t any telling what will happen to whom and how. There are of course the general predictions that we make about those that we know both in our families and out and about what our children will be like when they have fully grown, but aside from all of that, I really don’t care to find out.
In all honesty, I am not too eager to find out what will become of my kids. I have destroyed them all so much that whatever does come of them, it’s my fault. I really didn’t mean to do them any harm, I really had the best of intentions in everything that I did with them but it has almost completely backfired. I can see one of my children becoming a leader, a strong person with good morals and purpose in life. However, this is only due to the fact that as the first born she carried the burden of responsibility when it came to her younger siblings and their absent fathers. I hate that fact.
Anyhow, I don’t want to know the full extent that I have ruined these once innocent and beautiful people as I am sure it would hurt a million times more than it already does. There is a big part of me that really would like to wait until my mother has past away so that she doesn’t feel the responsibility for my passing as it really isn’t her fault at all. She hasn’t wronged me in any way that would cause me to do this. (That I am aware of anyway.) I can say that the main reason I don’t want to be here anymore has a lot to do with my father and the person that I am today because of him. The biggest problem with waiting until my mom passes is that (with my luck) she will most likely live to at least 90 and she hasn’t even hit 70 yet. That’s just waaay too many years to stick around in this terrible world and live this misery.
A lot of people take a look at me and can’t see why in earth i could possibly want to die. I understand this. Most people i know that have contemplated suicide seem perfectly normal on the outside, while inside they are more like a screaming demon just wanting release. It is the same with me except for one or two little cosmetic issues that normally wouldn’t affect someone so severely. I suffer from major manic depressive disorder, severe anxiety, OCD, adult ADHD, PTSD, and those are just the mental or psychotic issues i deal with. Add to that the chronic migraines, the extensive muscle tension, the chronically painful hips and ankles, a torn rotator cuff, carpel tunnel, tendonitis, and sciatic nerve problems and you’ve got one hell of a mess.
I knew a guy who was in his late teens when one of his parents committed suicide. He has been to so many weddings for him but the main question i have it is this “Would you rather be who you are today living the life you have with your parent resting eternally, or have your parent here, alive, but miserable and resenting every day?” I only want to know this because i have 3 children. They are all in different transitions of life and different phases and i wonder what effect my suicide would have on them, long term, my youngest was seeing a counselor for a little while and she informed me that if i were to commit suicide, my youngest wouldn’t make it through life. She wouldn’t be okay. I found this quite disturbing as i feel this is the only way that i will ever be truly comfortable and at peace.
I suppose that i should inform you that in addition to all of the issues listed above, i feel an immense guilt for not having the knowledge and life experience as i should have back when i decided to start a family. All three of my children have suffered through life altering events due to the choices and decisions i made as they were growing up. These things were not decided or acted upon in any attempt to hurt them. In fact i made the choices based on the fact that i thought for sure i was doing right them. Yeah, great job i did there. I royally screwed that one up.
So I started this about 10 or so days ago and I am just getting back to it. I need to let you know that Things have only become worse for me and that my relationship with my fiancé is a joke. I don’t think that I have mentioned here before that I believe that he is a psychopath. I don’t mean this to be rude or judgmental but he shares 85 5 of the characteristics of a psychopath. (psychologist desperately needed!) As for myself, I am leaning toward sociopath. But again, in the end, who knows and who cares?
The one thing that I do know is that I wouldn’t give a hoot if the entire human race fell off the face of the planet tonight. It was just something I looked up and happened to agree with.
So, where am i now and what am i doing? I am here at the library living within his sight and I know just what he is doing. I don’t think that he has noticed yet that I can see his entire body language and demeanor from here. So what is it he is doing? I can tell you that too cuz I’m going to take a second to log into my phone records real quick and let y’all know what he’s up to. brb. Well I do have to say that for the most part he has been good but that’s only as far as using my phone to communicate with her is concerned. He still has his Heywire account which he can text/email/ or anything of the like at any time he likes without a connected phone service.
I know that this whole time that we have been together he has been flirtatious and has lead girls on too think that he is available and interested in them only to leave them empty handed. So what does that say about me? EVERYONE tells me that I am just a free ride and a meal ticket for him. They tell me that of course he isn’t gonna do anything to jeopardize everything that he gets for nothing. Thing is that he doesn’t even do the minimum that should be required in a relationship. He’s just there.
He is now shooting me these very harsh and cold looks across the library cuz i just blocked his little girlfriends phone number from my phone that he uses. He really isn’t happy about that one and I can tell he wants to say something to me about it but he wont. Cuz if he does, that means that he was trying to get her on my phone and that is something he isn’t supposed to be doing. He’s very upset by this. I am hoping that he doesn’t hate me for it. IM not ever really like this about anyone. Im just so very insecure and he is so very untrustworthy that I don’t see that I have any other choice. I really need to hear some music so I have to go out to the car to get my headphones. I will not bother you any longer with this rant but I will post some hopefully decent poetry soon. (If im still here)