I have often wondered why I wanted to just end it. And I usually end up with the fact that I am lost and my life has no direction. But now, I realized, there’s something more than that.
I realized that I am the complete opposite of myself before (when I was driven, confident, ambitious). Now I am very insecure, confused and just flat-out tired and unmotivated. What makes me want to end it is I could have AVOIDED IT. I USED to be on the other side, the side of optimism, of hope in the future. When I started college, I was among intelligent people, people who wanted to make a difference, help their families, make something of their lives. But I couldn’t keep up.
And now, I have switched sides; existing on the side of desperation and being a pathetic loser, with no purpose. I just can’t take it anymore. I see my former classmates all successful and still following their dreams, not wavering, still on that path to a dignified career, all of them travelling, having a good time and pursuing their medical degrees, while I’m a bum who hasn’t got a job and who hasn’t got a chance in hell of ever going to med school. And it’s just so embarrassing, I am so ashamed of myself. I cannot accept this reality that I am in now. I just can’t!
That’s why certain lines from the song “I dreamed a dream” resonate with me deeply:
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living…
…Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame…
…But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
These words express what I feel right now. I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t know where my life went. I don’t know how to pick up the pieces. I know this may seem trivial to some, but I have been here long enough to read that some people on here also share the same problem I do. They had a good enough life and suddenly it’s gone, in its place a big, ugly mess. And now we wish we could just end it already. I just wish…
10 comments
This sound s familiar…
I have dived into the MA pool recently to further my education after two years post graduation. Granted, I took the liberal arts route, so you can make assumptions about how that has treated me. I was the same way, however. I was smart, confident, empowered. As time went by, I found myself tired and alone, listening to that same song in my car as I drove home from my janitorial job. Les Mis is one of my favorites.
Look, you have the opportunity to turn it around. You sound like you’re still pretty young, but you do sound overwhelmed. I promise you that it will get better, but it is an absolute ***** to take those first baby steps again. If you moved mountains in the past, you can move them now. If I was able to get out of bed, you can too. I believe that.
I am certain that there’there’s more power in you than you think, but you sound anxiety ridden and depressed. Maybe you should talk with a counselor if you have the opportunity. It’s all about keeping the ball going. It does not matter if your former uni mates are ahead of you, behind you, whatever. Your journey is your own. If I didn’t know better, I would say you were a friend I know in real life.
You will be okay. Take a breath, figure out what piece needs to come next. You got this.
Cheers and love.
Sorry for the typos. My Kindle has an autocorrect mind of its own.
This is why I am grateful I found this site. It amazes me that even though we’ve never met, you completely understood me, Deathy058. And I really needed the warm sentiments you offered. All of what you said truly touched me, especially these passages: “If you moved mountains in the past, you can move them now”, “..there’s more power in you than you think”, and “Your journey is your own”. Truer words could not have been said, and I guess all that’s left is for me to believe in them and turn things around. I know it will be difficult but I shall think of you and your words whenever I feel like giving up on this life once and for all. Thank you so much, Deathy. Much love your way. :’)
Beautiful post. Had to create an account because the whole thing rang true for my life except Im not tired. You can tell a young man or a young woman you can do anything you put your mind to. We set these big goals as kids and then I believe I really should have reevaluated them before going to college. I graduated and everything but botched 14 job interviews over the coarse if 2 years. Im on the verge of leaving a factory job for the second time its unclear i get so nervous around people and how they judge. I talked to the supervisor about it and now im worried whats gonna happen. You sound in the same situation surviving as an overly sensitive loser. Maybe if you don’t get enough sleep you constantly tell yourself you’re a wuss or awkward or a joke. I do that more and more. Talking about it to a counselor might help but then again it might not its so hard to offer a suggestion being in the middle of it myself. Anything i tell a coworker or old freiend or family member to try to ease the situation makes it worse.
Youre smart. Being stupid can be a choice if you don’t want to think. Its tough other people you know have probably much worse problems than you or I yet I am visibly suffering more. It is embarassing. Its really a tough scenario.
hi, tfgftl.i’m glad my post was able to reach out to a kindred troubled soul like you.anyway, you’re right.it is a very difficult situation.now that you have an account, don’t think twice to share your feelings and thoughts.it’ll make you feel better and people on here try to help as much as they can.let’s all help each other through our problems.good luck to all of us.
I once had a life with ambition but I threw it all away, I tried to improve things and it didn’t work out. At 46 and with little to show for my life now, I wonder what the point of it is, and how my future will pan out, people around me seem to have much better lives than I do. I totally get the ‘life has no direction’ part, I feel like a rudderless ship heading towards the rocks, I hope you’re young and can find something meaningful in life, it’s hard when plans go awry.
i hope i can find something, too.but most of the time i ask myself what am i hoping for?like you said in one of your posts; life can get better or worse, death seems easier.i’m just so conflicted right now.i don’t know whether to hold on and live and then find out that life just got worse, or end it and spare myself from enduring more misery.but then what if things got better?so really i just i don’t know what to do.i think you know what i mean.anyway, thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts, nias.
Yes, death does seem easier, not having to worry about the future anymore, but seem is the operative word as suicide is hard and painful with only a small degree of success. I still prefer to find that direction, I keep bouncing ideas around inside my head in the hope one will seem viable. I know how hard it is to have hope when previous plans amounted to nothing, but learn from them and why they went wrong. The thing here is depression, if you’re suffering then it can rob you of the optimism you require to move forward, and tackling depression is hard, talking is always a good step. One thing I tell myself is that it takes just one small thing to happen, perhaps a bit of luck, to start the ball rolling to a better future, even if you can’t see at moment, I hope you find a way.
exactly! that bit of luck is what is missing. when will life give us a break? how can you be optimistic and hopeful if everything is shit, right? anyway, hope that one thing that will bring us our lives back happens soon.
SoonerTheCosmos,
I can largely relate to what you wrote as well. Personally, I didn’t take education as seriously as I should have when I was younger and I deeply regret it. I wish I could figure out a way to go back to school so I can get a better job, etc., but I’m not sure it’s in the cards right now and it’s quite depressing, especially when – as you mentioned – you see other people around you enjoying better jobs and lives.
But, I think there are better options than suicide. If you were on the “other side” before, I have to believe you can get there again. Best of luck.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)