emptyness

I feel empty. tried to kill my self twice, and currently not suicidal but lacking. lacking the will to live, lacking the will to get up lacking the will to sleep to eat, to go outside lacking the will to do anything.
my favorite activities. . . . no longer seem to interest me. I always loved stories. so i would take almost weekly trips t the movie theater, it was nice haven’t been there in 3 months. I’m a geek i read comic books, haven’t read any since summer. I enjoyed my friends, haven’t talked to any of them in over two weeks. I am not sad, just empty. devoid of emotion when i think of it.
I drink when thirsty put off meals until my stomache churns from the lack of food. bathe when i start to smell myself or go to work. I go threw the motions, I pay my bills, i do what is expected of a functioning person. that is all i do.
I have no will to live and death doesnt bother me. i had a dream a while back about two months ago. in it i was shot in the back of the head. it was black just nothing ness i worried about my family for a few minutes but soon i was calm. they’d be ok, eventually move on. i was dead, i was at peace.
I woke up cursed god, i was finally dead but no it was all a dream.
I have no intention of killing myself. too much work and survival is a *****. medical bills talking with people about why i wanted to end it just to be deemed fit for society and sent home.
too much work and i don’t need more bills to pay.
I am just empty. a shell of a man.

p.s. Yes i know i suffer from depression.