In despair

I don’t know where to start. If I could choose this story would be a lot longer. I want to tell you a part of my suicide story.

Please, I know that when you are young you have your whole life ahead of you. But it doesn’t apply on me because I dont feel my age. Though my physical body is 17. So just bare with me.

Last year I started in a new school at the age of 16. I started there completly alone, with no one I knew. We where well prepaired for 3 years of studying by the teachers who made sure that everyone got to know one another at the beginning of the course. I found a group I seemed to be suitable for me. So I hanged with those guys at the beginning. School wasnt that special until one day when everything changed. We had one of our first english lessons of the school year. And I wasnt prepaired for what was going to happen.

We where devided into pairs to analyse and discuss a text that we got. And it was then I saw it. I looked into the eyes of the other person that was in the same pair as me. And I saw beautiful golden eyes, amber like. Eyes that could give you endless warmth. And so I felt, happiness. It wasnt until I was on my way home I had to figure out what really happened.

I guess this is for me to tell you how I got in love with the most beautiful person in the whole existens. He actually reminded me of an annoying classmate that yells and is generaly irritating. But that changed when I saw his eyes. I quited being with my old group and changed to his group so I could learn more about him. We became really great friends. And we had it like that all the time until we came closer to christmas.

I was devestaded when this all happened, how could I get in love with a guy, I’m not gay! Why and how could this be happening to me? I hated myself for being in love with him. I cried every night about my unluck. But also that I suffered because I couldnt tell him how I felt. I decided that I needed to tell him because everyday me not telling him was a day lying to him.

I told him the last day of school. He was literally chocked, didnt say anything, but I knew that nothing would ever be the same. Me and my family have it good, we have everything you can wish for. And for christmas we went up for out ski cottage. I was still worried about my confession I made ealier thay week. I was so scared of what he was going to think of me. I even dreamt losing him. Holding him dead in my arms two nights in a row. That was the scariest moment my entire life. To dream that the one I love isnt here anymore. My parents noticed that there was something wrong and got suspicious why I was texting on my phone all the time. I was texting to my other friends to cope with everything that happened. My parents didnt like me not telling who I was texting because they thought I was texting slmeone I wasnt supoosed to text with. So they took my phone and firced me to tell them what have happened. And I told them everything. That I had confessed to the love of my life and that it turned like hell.

I will try and summarize a lot before we get to the conclusion. Me and my family had a hard tile with me last spring, summer and fall because I am supper depressed. My love stopped talking to me but surprisingly started talking to me again this autumn. But now something have happened. He had said several times that he had really hard times these 3 years and that he had suicidal thoughts. He also said that he is pretending to have fun with the group because when he is alpne he is depressed and having suicidal thoughts.

And here is the meaning of this text. I dont know for how long I can continue. Because he is everything I care about. And I am in so much pain thinking on that he might at the moment, be crying or grieving for something. I dont want to see him dead, I would trade everything I have to make him happy. I cant live without him and I am always imaginibg myself that he is trying to kill himself. I know that if he would. There would be nothing that would stop me from killing myself. I cant live without him. In despair.