Im 22 years old. I have a beautiful family that consists of my 3 children, 1 stepdaughter & my kid’s father/boyfriend of 8 years. sounds promising right? wrong. my troubles started at the age of 12. My father struggled heavily w/ a cocaine addiction that I didnt find out about until I was in the 6th grade. while he was a great, loving & reliable Dad, his addiction led him to become careless as it progressed. On June 2nd, the year following my 12th birthday, my father left me home alone with my “Godfather” who just so happens to be one of his drug buddies. I always looked to him as an uncle, another father figure so to speak. but I remember shortly after my father left to go & get more drugs, my godfather entered my room as I was sleeping & begin to touch me inappropriately. I didnt scream, I didnt cry. I was froze in shock & trying to ease away, wondering why he was doing this to me. i knew it was wrong & i was scared. I tried to block it out of my memory & forget it ever happened. but when It did resurface 3 years later, my abusive boyfriend at that time told my mother but she brushed it off & didnt believe him. she just thought we were making up stories so that we could leave & be together. from that point on i never talked about it again. if my own mother didnt believe me, who would? but to this day, i get anxiety even when my present boyfriend tries to touch me. it just brings back those emotions I felt that night. & ive told him this when we first started dating but for all i know, he doesnt believe me either. but moving on, when I was 14 I got pregnant w/ my first daughter. but as i mentioned, my boyfriend at that time was very controlling & extremely abusive. he would beat me just because he was having a bad day. smh. but he abused me all during my pregnancy, eventually knocking me unconscious while I was 5 months pregnant & sending me into preterm labor. I was fortunate enough to get treated & had my daughter when I was full term. She later suddenly passed away when she was 3 months old & there’s not a day I don’t hurt for her. I can’t talk about it because I guess everyone feels I should just forget & move on. How can I? She was my firstborn, my angel, my everything. But nobody gets that it still hurts so bad. But I was later blessed with 3 more children by my current boyfriend. He’s my world. My soul mate. My only true friend. But he later started falling into the same cycle as my ex & began to abuse me, lie to me & cheat. During my latest pregnancy, he had an outside girl pregnant too. & it doesn’t hurt as much about the baby but the things that I’m forced to deal with are unbearable. I love that man more than my last breath. More than anything & anybody & I can’t bear to see him share his love with a child that I didn’t give birth to. I love him too much to see him coparent w/ a woman I hate. My heart breaks every time she calls. But he doesn’t get it. He picks arguments w/ me, doesn’t spend time with me & I’m losing grip on our relationship. I’m still not over the fact that he made this baby while I was in the hospital fighting for my life. And as of now, I’m homeless, broke, don’t even have a home for me & my kids & my relationship has gone to hell. I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for years but there really is no hope for me. I can’t deal anymore. My life has always been screwed but its slowly getting worse. I failed my kids, my relationship is ruined, I’m homeless & I’m tired if fighting for something that’s not there anymore. Nobody knows the demons I battle everyday & I’m tired of feeling numb & depressed. I have to fake smiles all day & just wait until I shower to just take a moment to cry. I’ve contemplated suicide & tried but I failed on 3 different occasions. I only messed my body up but I didn’t die. I have the mind for it. I’m thinking clearly with both my emotions & my head. I think its just time for me to go. I can’t provide for my family & I’m all around unhappy & depressed. I decided that this is the week I wanna die. My kids will be taken care of & I no longer have to mope around in my feelings & arguing with my bf about my feelings. Its not like he cares or understands. I have no one & I’m just looking for a way out. I’m going to try a drug cocktail because I heard it was the most peaceful way out. Its my decision & I plan to go through with it…
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6 comments
huh – sounds like you’re frustrated with your circumstances. Why do you feel so powerless?
Where do I start? I have had to deal with much of the same abuse you wrote about, from the “uncle” with a desire to molest children to having a partner that was beaten and assaulted by her ex husband and more. This kind of abuse spans generations and as you know, it set the bar for many things in your life moving forward. I am so sorry – your story breaks my heart.
When you wrote that your children would be “taken care of” I hope that means you know and trust their intended caretakers in the event something happens and they lose you. But I sincerely hope that does not happen. They belong with you and you deserve to be cared and provided for.
Anyone that would father a child in an external relationship when they already have children to provide for aren’t fit to be anyone’s father. If anything, paternity should be established and he should be forced to pay child support by the courts.
You are much stronger than you realize. Although I respect your decision to end things, I would encourage you to try and connect with that strength and use it to find the help that you and your kids need. Your children need you. If you love yourself first you will find that you have the strength to love them and care for them.
I know you feel alone. But try and understand that you can find people that you can trust to help you get back on your feet. I’m not saying it will be easy but you deserve to be supported and loved – please remember that.
I sincerely hope things will get better for you. There are people here that can very much relate to your struggles and that are willing to listen. If you continue to talk things through and write about them it can help take some of the power out of your struggles. Love and accept yourself and love your babies. There are better days for you if you can reach out for them
– peace
Everyone’s words are helpful. Don’t get me wrong. But im at the end of my rope. You guys were the first that really listened & gave a sincere reply. But have u ever just lost hope in EVERYTHING? I mean EVERY SINGLE THING in your life. My kids used to be my only reason for trying to live on, but in reality, I can’t even provide and care for them. Who needs a parent that’s so caught up in her own head, depressed all the time & not in a stable mental state? My parents have a life insurance policy on me & I know that my kids will be financially stable & will have caretakers who are able to do so much more than I can. I love them more than life but I serve no purpose anymore. The days leading up to my suicide are still the same. No attention, I’m still lonely & my heart is still hurting. I even considered getting mental help but in my state that I live in, my Medicaid only would allow someone to see me if I was under 21. They don’t even care about my well being. Just my age. But I’m used to it. Nobody ever cared. I love hard & passionately…& when I get emotional about my circumstances & my feelings, I get called “crazy” & “childish”. So maybe I am or maybe no one cares. I don’t know. But what I do know is I’m tired of being tired. It hurts to wake up knowing that I have to deal with these feelings for another day. I came to the conclusion that if I let that man do those things to me when I was 12, then yea, I am worthless. Maybe that’s why I allow men to treat me that way. & I’m not trying to raise my daughter to follow that same pattern. I just think its best to eliminate myself. That way my kids can be around happy people who are in good spirits, they’ll be stable & no one has to worry about that crazy girl whose always in her feelings. But most importantly, I won’t have to be alive to see the things I see, to hurt because of my situation & nobody will have to worry themselves over my feelings. That’s no way to live life. It hurts to be here. That’s why I’m so stuck on my decision. Either tonight or tomorrow I plan to mix Xanax with Hydrocodone, alcohol & a sleep aid. It should be peaceful & I won’t suffer. I already researched the fatal doses & I also kept in mind about the dose I took when I OD’d back in 2007. I was unconscious for a week & a half but I lived & woke up in a mental hospital out of town not remembering a thing. So this time I know to double that dose…trouble doesn’t have to last a lifetime. Which is why I’m ended it now. But thank u all for listening & for your support. I don’t get that nowadays at all.
When I wrote that I felt your loneliness, I meant that I know how alone you feel in the depth of your pain and that no one can truly understand the reality of your pain. I do understand – you can read my other posts so I won’t clutter this with my own story. I feel the intense desire to die every day of my life and for me, there is no solution; no turning back.
So much has happened to you so early in life. And when that happens life seems to stop. It no longer matters how much of your life you have left to live – it could be 60 years; it could be a day. I am only saying that there is time for your life to change if you an find the strtength to choose it.
Yes, your kids need a healthy and happy mother. And I believe it is far better for them to have you than someone else. For all the pain and suffering heaped upon you, to live in peace and with loving relationships are things you deserve. You have prevailed in the face of terrible adversity – I know it doesn’t feel that way but it is true. You should give yourself credit for that strength even though you are exhausted and feel as though you have nothing left to give and no hope left for the future.
I have four kids, two of which still live with me. My youngest and only daughter was inches away from me when she was about three years old when I decided to take the opportunity to step back from my car and into the path of an oncoming truck. As I did, I saw her looking at me and I suddenly realized the horror she would witness and the loss that would define her for the rest of her life and I stopped. My kids are the only reason I am still here even though they are all adults now. They would survive without me, but when someone commits suicide the people close to then never truly believe they were not somehow at fault. They relive every argument, every time they saw that person upset, angry or depressed they can remember. It is just human nature. And leaving behind a note saying “It wasn’t you” or “I’m sorry” doesn’t help.
As I said, I respect your decision. I also hope you will reconsider and give each day, one at a time one more chance. And not just for your kids but for you. My gut tells me there is a lifetime of love waiting for you.
– peace
I just a 4 sleep aid, 4 Canal & I’m drinking. Wished luck.
…funny thng happened. I tried. I failed. Moved 3000 miles away from the stress & closer to my family && I assumed everything would be better. I couldnt have been more wrong. With every day I walk around on egg-shells, scared to speak my mind about certain things because im so afraid my bf is gonna leave me up here. I cant take that. i swear to god, id rather die. && slowly, hes starting to talk to me so ugly & disrespectful. but im putting 2 & 2 together and the same things he’s said about me, his baby’s mother says the same stuff when we have words. i think i just loved him way more than he ever loved me. i try to buy him, please him, & let him do whatever he wants to do because i dnt wanna give him a reason to leave me. but this aint no way to live. how could someone whos supposed to love and care about you, talk about you under your clothes & make me feel like the ugliest thing on the planet? I used to feel so pretty and be so sure of myself but just like Tony, he has a way of stripping all that away from me. All he does is wake up everyday looking for an excuse to make me feel like shit & hes just plotting his reason to leave. but hopefully I’ll be gone before that happens. Im tired of living in a world of constant worrying and accepting the disrespect, the cheating, the STD’s over and over, I accept EVERYTHING from this dude. && its all because he makes me feel like if I could love & care for someone & they STILL treat me this way, whats the point of trying with somebody else? Hes mad now because im typing this, so he goes into he bathroom, most likely to talk to some other female on his little phone app, but you know me, ian gone say nothing. too afraid of what he might say or do. You know what he told me tonight when I asked him to roll over so me & his son could get comfortable in the bed? he told me to ”get my stanky ass off him, just get the fuck off him.”….that shit makes me so sad. I try so fucking hard to be the girl im supposed to be. to take care of myself & make sure im good. if i do get something its always from him. &i forgive him and deal with it. im just tired of feeling stupid, feeling like shit, feeling controlled, feeling embarrased of myself, of my life. i see that money cant buy happiness & it damn sure cant mae a an love you. so ive made up my mind once again to try a diffrent method. ive researched an online pharmacy that you can order pentobarbital pills that have been proven to be effective to end one’s life. all the pain will end soon, i try to keep telling myself this but the 1st of te month seems so far away. im considering taking out a loan just to be able to go ahead and order it, because i see now, im just not goe make it. this relationship is making me crazy, but i love him so much, so i cant just leave or let him go…sounds crazy, but it is what it is. i just want my kids to be okay, no need to pray for him because he still has a family, i know he’ll just go back to the basics. && thats cool and all, as long as im already buried,,,