My Suicide Journals (2010)

In 2010, after over a decade of severe depression and several years of suicidal feelings, I made the decision to finally end things. To this day, it is the only time I have ever made concrete plans to take my life.

I kept a journal documenting my decision and feelings before and leading up to my planned suicide. Below are excerpts from two of those journal entries (the second being parts of a private message sent to someone from my past I had reconnected with. It was written as my end date was approaching).

Perhaps there are some people who will find comfort in reading these things and knowing they are not alone in feeling some of the things that they do. Maybe it will help provide some perspective or another viewpoint to somebody who is feeling lost, confused and unsure of what to do during a bad time in their life. Then again, maybe none of these things will happen and putting all of this out there was completely pointless. Whatever. In any event, I see no reason not to share it, so here you go.

Oh – and yes, obviously, I’m still here. For those who may wonder why, something occurred that provided me with a bit of hope. It turned out to be a dead end, but it also lead to me eventually revealing to everyone in my life about my longtime state of mind, which I believe has helped to some degree.

(As I said, these are excerpts. I have omitted quite a bit of text that I felt was irrelevant, which is why some parts may seem choppy)

L4Y

5/10/2010

“ … late Wednesday night/Thursday morning, I chose to meditate (with a candle lit, chakra-opening music playing, and incense burning) …

I have been experiencing a need lately to finally discover my purpose in life and resolve my feelings of hopelessness, isolation, loneliness, and despair once and for all. Obviously, I know I cannot continue through life the way I am.

… I slumped over with my fist covering my mouth and just stared at the flickering flame of the candle. I thought about everything that had led me to this point. I’m not sure how much time I spent gazing, perhaps a half an hour or so.

Later that morning, I did something that always eases my mind and helps me to think – I took a walk in the cemetery. I stood in the center of the graveyard and again thought about … just everything. I made my way back to the front gates and looked around. I closed my eyes, took a long, deep breath, and let all that was inside me run through my mind at once.

I don’t belong in this world. To be honest, I’m not sure if I ever have. No matter what I do, there always seems to be a constant cloud of hopelessness and depression over me. And I am so far gone now and so much has happened that I seriously doubt I will ever be able to have a normal life.

It hurts. Never having fallen in love … not even having friends to hang out with or confide in … just being so insignificant to everybody, and knowing almost for a fact that these things will never change. It hurts more than most people can possibly imagine. I’ve dug my life into quite a rut, and I’m not even sure I completely understand how it came to this point.

I just can’t handle it anymore. It has to end. And it’s going to – in thirty-four days, on June 17.

See, I am of the opinion that even if a person has made the educated and well-planned choice to take their own life (something I feel is very rarely necessary), they should wait at least a month to carry it out. This gives the individual ample time to either change their minds or have something develop in their life to make them feel it is worth living. I read the other day that approximately forty percent of teenage suicides are done on impulse. Hell, my life has essentially been shattered since I was sixteen, and the idea never even creeped into my mind until a few years ago!

This is a very serious – and permanent – decision, boys and girls … so you’d better be damn sure.

… perhaps I have been wrong all along – maybe I wasn’t chosen for anything special. Maybe I’m just another guy. I do know that being the way I am has allowed me to help several people dealing with serious problems over the years (some who have even credited me with saving their life, but I think that is a stretch). Perhaps that was my reason for being here. Somehow, I doubt that, but if it is the case, then I am fine with it.

I don’t really know how I feel right now. I suppose “strange” is the best way to describe it. Disappointed, obviously, sort of relieved, anxious, and yes, somewhat scared also. I’m sure we have all heard the theories that those who commit suicide go to Hell. I don’t claim to have the answer to that question. However, if this will indeed be my punishment for taking my life … then I am ready to accept it.

I think in the back of my mind, I always knew this is how my story would end. I guess I just hoped that I would figure something out.

I certainly don’t expect anything to happen over the next month to “save” me, but I guess you never know. Besides, my main focus is going to be on enjoying the final weeks of my life. This is another reason why I feel those who have chosen to end their lives should give themselves some time – everybody deserves to do something fun before they die. Me, I have always wanted to go skydiving, so I’m hoping I can make that happen. But, we’ll have to see.

I’m certainly not going to lie and say that I am not sad and disappointed by the conclusion I have reached, but I sincerely feel it is the best thing. There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently in my life and I do have regrets …

It would have been nice to discover a way to have a normal life – with friends (Even ONE person I could trust!), and especially to fall in love. Having been alone so often for so long, I have learned to appreciate little things that most others likely take for granted. And it would have been such a great feeling to know that I had made someone happy. To see somebody all lit up and know that I was the reason. But, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Am I a quitter for the decision I have reached? I’d like to think not. I am all but certain that I have tried, fought, and lasted longer in this position than just about anyone else would have (well over a decade). But if making this choice constitutes giving up, then I’m okay with that. I have made peace with a lot of things.

One thing I have learned is that nobody has any business passing judgment on those who have taken their lives or are considering doing so until you yourself have reached that point of despair and (more importantly) hopelessness. While I admittedly feel that many (if not most) suicides are likely unnecessary overall and perhaps somewhat hasty on the part of the victim, those who have never experienced being at such a low place cannot possibly comprehend what it is like. I used to think suicide was for quitters – this was when I was much younger and far more oblivious to many things. Believe me, it is very easy to criticize when things in your own life are going well.

Well … I guess that’s that. There really isn’t anything more to say.”

6/6/10 (Private message)

I guess the first thing I should tell you is that I have suffered from severe depression since I was 16 or so. Actually, I’m not even sure “depression” is the right word. At least not anymore. Anyway, over the past few years, things have gotten progressively worse.

The truth is, I honestly feel hopeless. It’s not the same as being sad, depressed, heartbroken, or anything else I can think of. True hopelessness is something that is somewhat hard to describe and a feeling I believe very, very few people ever experience.

I feel truly alone in the world – like I don’t even belong in it – and have absolutely nobody I can trust or confide in (this message doesn’t count, because it’s the first time I’ve ever actually told anyone these things, lol). I have never come close to falling in love and as stupid as this may sound, I don’t even have friends.

I truly believe that I am not important to anyone in any way. And this is based on the way people treat me – insignificantly, as if I am not worth bothering with. I sincerely feel that if I disappeared tomorrow, nobody would be all that upset.

All of this hurts deeply. And I feel like carrying it around all of these years has eaten away at my mind and soul – to the point where I have nothing left.

I came to a realization several weeks ago: I can’t beat this. For a decade-plus, I had always hoped I would figure something out, that things would change eventually as long as I kept trying, but they haven’t. And while I like to believe I’ve lasted longer in this position than just about anyone else would, I’m out of hope and strength.

Believe me, I would never admit any of this to myself unless I sincerely felt it was true. I want nothing more than to just have a normal life – with friends, a girlfriend/wife, and whatever the Hell else normal people have and do. As human beings, we easily become used to things. Therefore, people take everything for granted – luxuries, essentials, even their loved ones. They always claim they won’t, but they do. Have you ever had a storm or accident take out your hydro for a day? It’s not a long time, but that day sure feels like an eternity, doesn’t it? This is because we often need reminders to show us how much we undervalue things – and people. It’s unfortunate, but I don’t think it makes us bad – just human.

I have always told myself that the one positive in all of this would be that when I finally found someone special, I would know to cherish it. I’m sure there would be times when I’d take it for granted, but I’d like to think it wouldn’t be as often as most people. Of course, that’s easy to say – who knows for sure?

I have seen how happy other people make their lovers – the difference it makes in their lives. To bring that kind of joy to someone must be the greatest feeling imaginable. I wish I could have experienced that. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. It’s not like I have anything to offer anyway, but it still would have been nice … in a different world, perhaps.

I’m not sure I completely understand how I came to this point. I used to think there was a reason for it – a “higher purpose” – and maybe there is, I don’t know. I have always felt different from everyone else (even as a young child) and realized a long time ago that I was not a normal person. I have made an honest effort to use the way I am to help others, and truth be told, I have succeeded on several occasions.

… I’m not sure what you are thinking by now – probably that I’m a basketcase, I imagine. If so, that’s cool – I am a basketcase. But I’m okay with that.

I’m not sure how good a job I have done here of putting everything into words, but I did my best. I don’t expect you (nor anyone, for that matter) to understand any of this or come up with a solution for me. At best, this was likely pointless, and at worst, a bad idea altogether. But, nonetheless … there you have it.”