In april this year, I attempted suicide.
I was broke living on the streets for about 2 months in the philippines at the age of 36. Got burnt by friends and lied to by others and was left to fend for myself.
I then found refuge in a slum but having to rely on people that would spend less than 2 dollars in one day the guilt and burden was all too much.
The fact that I suffer from depression and couldnt but any medication played its part too. So many attempts to call home and ask for help fell on deaf ears. The sad thing is my father is a millionaire but only has tough love to give as I had failed him previously… after losing hope and seeing no way out, I walked down to a church park, I got down on my knees, and prayed with quivering pleas for forgiveness I took my belt tied it on to the railing. I stepped over the railing put my head through the noose and slow climbed my body down until I gave up my full body weight. I was up there dor 10 seconds until, pop!! The belt broke and I landed on the concerete which was a 12 foot drop.. it was at night I picked myself up and ran. I was totally spooked. 1 month later I met a girl on the internet who said she wanted to help me with a job… I travelled with her around, she fell in love with my story… I just set up another business for her (which i was given a cut) and now she has given me the flick because I dont want to be with her fulltime, so conveniently at the death knock of opening she has put me back on the street. Ive had a anxiety attack followed by a panic attack and now Im looking at now im looking at another method to end this bad luck life, preferably with oxi contin but it is so hard to get seriously… my life is not worth living and I put it down to I dont fit in this world. Peoples standards or compassion trust and loyalty are fucked. It is really is the straw that broke the camels back here. She took me back in after 4 days on the street becuase she loves me , but she doesnt love me she loves my story of the last 7 years how I turned from doing well in life to losing it all. Every year gets harder I worked hard on character building and not many opportunities swung my way as i have gotten on. I contacted family for help… my father doesnt want to know, but maybe he can pat for my tombstone and maybe be a better dad to the rest of his kids.
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I think I read another note that you had moved to the Philippines. Do you have the legal right to work? Now that you have a roof over your head, food, internet, etc., can you look for a job? That might help get you some savings to prevent winding up on the street again… just in case something happens. It might also give you some money to get help for your depression. Being depressed is hard enough without what you’re going through… and going through it alone doesn’t make it any better. The past is the past… It’s a matter of getting things to come together so you can get ahead.
As a side note… Does your home country have an Embassy in the Philippines? If so, have you contacted them to see what, if any, assistance they can provide. Even if it’s nothing, it might be worth looking into.
Unfortuantely I used all avenues, embassy family and all that stuff. Ive been used, had my trust broken and my life swept out for underneath me and I workedreally hard at an opportuntiy given to me. Once trust is broken enough times its like your spirit has been broken and snapped in two. Its beyond repair. No I dont have a valid visa, there are no jobs and there is no help. The person who gave me the opportunity has opened up their doors to me again because she feels partly responsible, and when you make promises yes you should stick to them. But I dont trust it, I need more proof that this person is going to do right. I only have her word for it and in the philippines theres a saying. ‘ you trust you die’ so im pretty much on my death wish with or with out trust. Ive been a good person and never broken anyones trust when it came to important things. I help people and I am a giver, so im at peace with myself and it gives me the dignity to stand my ground even with the hand that feeds me. I dont know if thats wrong or right, but I stand up for what I believe… the only other option I gave this girl was, I gave her my prescription for meds, I told her I need 4 x the dosage, so that way I can give her a chance with her trust and she can treat me any way she pleases and I wont even know whats happening. Thatsthe only thing that will keep me alive and in the situation and not losing my sanity starving on the street. Life is beautiful but the people in it are truly fucked… and im one of the ones in the past that picks up all the messes people leave behind. I helped organise 2500 mouths to be fed in philippines last year. I do volunteer work for animal rescue operations and I had dreams of collecting orphans from the streets and putting them through a life skills program giving them atleast one opportunity to live a drugfree and quality life. I hate money and people, they fuck it for everyone
You’re in a tough spot. No doubt. There have to be ways out of it. Why your Home Embassy can’t help you is messed up. At this point, research the process(es) required to stay and work. Even if there are no jobs, at least with a visa you’ll be able to get one if a job appears. A job is a job. The visa will at least let you take what you can get. Being poor and homeless is a lose-lose for everyone. The moment you get enough money, head home. That will stop you from relying on others in a place far from home. You tried something new, it didn’t work out, and it’s time to change course. In the meantime, stand your ground but don’t over-do it. Losing the roof over your head will only make things harder. I fully understand dignity… and I also understand there is a good time and place for it. Once your situation has improved, then you can pour concrete into the ground. Can you continue to volunteer? It might help you network with others and you never know who you’ll meet. Maybe you’ll connect with someone who can help you. If I was you, I’d be trying to meet as many people as possible. The more you try, the better the odds. You’ll get out of this situation… It’s going to take some time.
Somehow, after 4 days of being bed ridden I snapped out of it all. Renegotiated a win lose deal with a business. (Which I never do, but for the sake of survival it had to be done) and I think most of the circumstancial hardship is on the cusp of ending. My immediate future is my big concern, so after some thought i put some emphasis on ky long term future and it will look good. i think to myself sometimes, what if i did follow theough and kill myself what if good fortune was meant to come the following day, id never forgive myself!! Or would i?? Started my meds again today, took perhaps too many but I feel sedated and much better for it. Its a sad way to deal with it but it is a means to an end. Somehow my care factor for life disappears a bit which is what I need. I look back at stuff ive written half of it doesnt make too much sense or perhaps doesnt justify the story, however thats part of my problem is expressing myself. My problems will go away 1 by 1 hopefully, but dont get too excited more will also come
along. Ty distant road!!