I inherited a genetic disease from my dad. For 65 years I have dealt with intermittent back pain that ties me to my bed/recliner. When my back is hurting, even riding in a car is unbearable. When this happens, I feel like I’m living on Oxycontin. Worse, there isn’t anything I (or the docs) can do about this except wait it out and take drugs.
But then the pain goes away and I feel great — which makes people think I’m faking it and/or looking for sympathy. I don’t know what’s worse–the pain or the fact that people just don’t “get” it. Even my family doesn’t seem to understand me. This whole situation sucks: when I hurt, I’m depressed; when I get better, I’m depressed because everyone thinks I’m being a drama queen.
Sometimes I think the easiest thing to do would be to be done with both the pain and the depression. I probably won’t take that final step, however — I’m not afraid to do so, but it would PISS ME OFF to die and leave everyone would thinking I screwed up looking for attention.
I guess the only option is to keep on keeping on, surviving the best I can, and being generally annoyed at the whole situation.
2 comments
i TOTALLY fucking get it……i havent been in pain for as long as you, but i know how it completely drains you……i often feel that people would be better off if i werent here…..and the pills are such a false respite, the pain abates long enough for you to actually DO something, and you do too much and then you’;re back in bed for days, leaving people to question, well which one is it? are you sick, or just ‘sick’??? i think for me, and i know i’m weak, but this questioning in and of itself are cause enough to feel like letting it all go……i’m lucky to have a really good husband…..but others in my life….not so much……if you ever wanna speak to someone who although may not be very helpful and is somewhat crass, has no ill-will and can empathize, i’m here for you
Thank you. I don’t care about the crass as much as the “getting it.” Today is a good day, so it isn’t a problem. Tomorrow, who knows?
I don’t mind the pills — I’m sort of a 60’s girl (“no hope without dope”). It’s when the pills aren’t enough. I also mind the times when I can’t ride in a car. (Who except some kind of dork can’t ride in a car?!) Makes me crazy and incredibly pissed off.
BTW, if you need a no ill-will, non-judgmental ear, I’m here for you, too.