For some lucky individuals, autism frees them. Unfortunately for me, it traps me. I live in the world of repetition. My past aka my bullying days haunts me everyday. I really tried to let it go. but to no avail. My family refused to believe I have tried.
Whatever bad experiences I had haunts me everyday. That is the symptom of autism. Same thoughts comes to you in a cyclic manner. I struggled to gain acceptance in the past without success. I used to think what is wrong with me? Why doesn’t nobody likes me? Why am I so slow at reacting? After years of growing up and especially after my breakup with ex, I understood why. I bring the worst out of everyone around me. I used to wonder why I have all the crazy people around me. Now I got the answer. I drive people around me crazy.
Like most autistic kids, I have fought this battle of suicide thoughts since I was 7 years. It has been 27 years. Each time I fight it, it strikes back with greater vengence. I am really really tired. I used to blame people for not accepting the way I am. I think I can’t blame them anymore. I have caused so much trouble to my family and the people around me. I cannot accept myself anymore.
3 comments
Hi. I understand what you feel – my brother is autistic. It’s really troublesome. When he was young he used to cause a lot of home-made disasters, including the time when he almost burnt down our home. But with the time it is getting better. It’s been 10 years now. Good that you are aware that it isn’t people’s fault.
It’s true that people won’t accept you like you are now. Most of them probably just fear you. I feared my brother too.
But there’s a way to change. You must try. You’ll never reach the fullness of normality. It is your boundary. But you can at least have simple normal life. Have you tried Biofeedback? It helped my brother a lot.
I worked with autistic adults for 3 years and I know how hard life is for them. Its not your fault.
Autistic people their mind works differently then others and often the wrestle with emotions that run high and socializing with other people can be very difficult.
I am sorry my friend you have been through this. and are still going through this.
Try to forgive yourself from events in the past and move forward.
try to learn to take control of your mind and think positive thoughts.
do you see a doctor? are you on any meds that might help you?
do you have anybody to talk to about your autism??
look for an forum on the internet where people with autism chat and support each other
that might be good for you.
can you explain what it is like inside your mind on a typical day? I find it interesting you replay bad stuff in your head. Its like ptsd? I do that all the fucking time and it makes me insane w grief.