Still alive. I was planning on doing it almost a month ago. But then there was my sister’s wedding, and once that passed, I realized the holidays were fast approaching. Then there are my students, too. I teach at a local community college, and I rather like my students. And whether they like me or not, losing a teacher mid-semester is bound to be traumatic.
As much as I want to kill myself, I feel the need to wait for a better time for the people I’m leaving behind. Everytime I walk across the bridge near my apartment, I fantasize about jumping off. I don’t know why, but in spite of the pain of drowning, it somehow feels comforting. Plus, the body would more likely be found by the police than by people I knew. I don’t want them to witness it. Not unprepared, at least.
This is my first time posting here. Hopefully this doesn’t count as sharing too much about suicide methods. I’m not asking for help or giving advice. If and when I go, I won’t need help. I won’t need anyone. I just wish I had the courage to do it now.
So it goes…
6 comments
I hope you don’t go. We need teachers. But on another topic, jumping off a building…I’m just too unlucky I guess. I figure I’d be that miracle guy that bounces twice but is “only crippled” or somesuch. Saved by the grace of Gawd, he’s not dead!
Yay me.
I plan to drown, too. For awhile I thought about the various ways I could hang myself, but all of them just seem so horrifying and I don’t think I’d ever want anyone (stranger or not) to find me like that. not that drowning’s much prettier. who knows.
anyway i don’t think it’s about having courage or not. i think you’ve found reasons to stay alive, and they are good ones. i think you should try to hold onto them, and try to find any other method to handle the pain you’re experiencing. that’s what i’m doing at least.
i don’t have much solid advice, i know. just try to embrace the scenery around the bridge maybe instead of just focusing on what’s underneath
and yes, as a student myself, i don’t know how i would cope if one of my teachers, particularly one who i had looked up to, gave up before me.
This is interesting because my post was talking about the idea of how much “planning” you should do ahead of time, like if you should plan on who finds you or the state of your life/etc. Seems to be mixed feelings, but I’m glad someone shares my view of at least trying to lessen the impact on those around you.
I didn’t see your post, koschei, but there really isn’t any “right” answer to that question. It depends on the person committing suicide and what their motives are, and what, if anything, they might hope to accomplish besides ending their own life. If the goal is revenge, for instance, or just to make someone feel sad for hurting you, you’d probably consider orchestrating things so they find you. (Not something I condone, necessarily)
The only one universal rule, in my opinion, is to prevent any potential trauma or hardship to innocent bystanders. If you have extended family who might get stuck with funeral bills they can’t afford, for example, or shooting yourself and leaving a big mess in a family park where children might be really traumatized. I do think we have an obligation to build up enough savings to cover our cremation or burial costs, funeral expenses, and anything else, if it’s at all humanly possible, even if that means delaying things a bit.
It’s 6 am now and I’ve been up all night, so forgive any typos.
Yeah, I’ve made plans and scrapped them several times. At one point, I was going to do it in my room, leaving a note under the door for my roommates not to come in, and just call an ambulance. But there was the worry that they might come home and find me mid-attempt. When I do it, I’d rather people not know it was coming.
There’s also my best friend, too. He’s in grad school, studying suicide. And I have other friends in the helping professions. I don’t want them to think that they could have stopped me or seen it coming. I want them to know there was nothing they could have done. But alas, I suppose there’s not much we can do about that. People might always wonder. People will always have regrets. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.
So it goes…
I think it’s admirable that you’re still so considerate of how your death would affect others, even though you’re in such a bad place. In my opinion, that’s what we should strive for – to minimize potential harm to others. But I understand that sometimes that just isn’t possible. It seems that when some people get to a certain level of depression, they really lose that ability to see outside themselves. They aren’t trying to be inconsiderate; they simply no longer have the presence of mind to consider and plan for all the nuances.
Thanks for posting. I hope you find life tolerable (or better yet, enjoyable!) for as long as you’re obligated to stick around. Maybe you’ll even find it so enjoyable, you’ll stick around. : )