What is the matter?

I have everything I ever wanted,

No… seriously , I do. Yet it feels like nothing, I hurt all the time and just want to sleep, cry and sleep. The hardest part is that it just makes me hate myself even more, the doctors say “depression” and give me pills that don’t work, the friends say it’s because I work too hard and suggest a drink (like I need ANOTHER addiction in my life to battle, one that is socially acceptable, cheap and everywhere, and I thought heroine was hard to stay away from). The saddest part of all of this is that I see myself and I want to be different, I just do not know how.

I can speak four languages, code software in seven languages, have an I.Q. over 140, make friends easily, am a great parent, love my wife and am grateful for everything I have.

BUT,

Always BUT;

I don’t want sympathy, empathy, fortitude, reassurance, a shoulder to cry on, an excuse or even a quick fix, I just want to be able to figure something out on my own.

WHAT I hear you wonder (or not), well I will tell you, I am an angry person. I lash out verbally at the people I love the most. I can SEE  myself doing it and inside I am crying, but tears somehow turn to anger somewhere between the brain and the mouth. WHY, I hate being angry, I hate being horrible to the most important people in my life and I just want to stop.

I see so much wrong with the world, I see ignorance, rudeness, apathy, greed, selfishness and loads of other shit that makes me want to scream at people, I just wish I could stop seeing the shit that doesn’t matter (I can’t change other people, human nature is what it is, I am NOT god) and start seeing the good and healthy stuff around me.

I just don’t know when I became a misanthrope, and I wish I could go back to not being one, for it is a hard and a (soon to be if I carry on this way) lonely way to live my life.

When did the arseholes become the majority? It is like I went to sleep for a few years and when I woke up the nice people had become outnumbered by the people that hate the world and the others within it.

And in amongst this pretentious bullshit is the recurring question, WHY DO I CARE so much. If people want to be dickless morons with the manners of a serial killer with a personality disorder, why can’t I just ignore them and get on with my wonderful life, and even more concerning why do I let it put that wonderful life in jeopardy?

Why do I care if the driver cuts me up, or doesn’t acknowledge my politeness? Why do I care if the woman on the mobile repeatedly knocks me while I’m waiting in a queue? Why do I care when people are nice to my face and say shit behind my back and then deny it and don’t have the balls to admit their real feelings and accept the consequences (probably because they do not know their own feelings or even why they do things, contagious apparently this not knowing why we act a certain way thing, huh?).

I think the reason is that I ALWAYS make the effort to thank people, respect others, say what I think without compromise (even if it hurts or upsets someone, the truth is ALWAYS better) and that makes me wonder why the fuck they can’t manage it, it is NOT hard, it really isn’t.

The anger, has I think, built up to the point where it is spilling over into my life in places it doesn’t belong and most certainly doesn’t deserve to be displayed.

What do I do, I have four thoughts:

one: smack the shit out of the next non-familial person who makes me angry (probably involve some prison time though, given my youthful history, leading to exposure to a vastly greater number of dickless, brain-dead morons).

two: take up a physical sport like boxing, kick boxing or rugby (football for any American readers) but I would probably die from the exertion given my age.

three: move myself and my family to a deserted island so I do not have to deal with another ignorant twat of a human being (probably not so good for either of my daughter as one needs peer interaction to become a stable human being, and the other one has quadraplegic cerebral palsy and would be in deep shit without medical care of a fairly high order).

four: develop a fatal virus that targets only people who fit a certain profile (i.e. completely useless to society with fuck all to offer but more of the same bullshit and succubus like behaviour) but that is probably a war crime of epic proportions and would leave a lot of innocent children without parents, which is unacceptable because they are innocent and deserve a chance to grow in non-arseholes.

So…….. what can I do??

I guess I will just have to learn to live with these ‘people’ and try to turn their negativity into some form of positivity on my part. I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW,

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I really wish I was a better person and could find a way to see the good in bad people (because SURELY there must be some in there somewhere??), without becoming a religious person (no offence to any religious readers, really I respect and even envy your faith, I just cannot find a way to it, blind belief in something that can’t be seen, felt, reasoned and is used for so much evil).

Well that is enough of a moan, guess I should get to bed (02:45 GMT now) and be thankful for everything I have.

Thanks for reading, this kind of thing really is cathartic, so merci beaucoup, dziekuje bardzo, vielen danke and paljon kiitojksia and goodnight.

P.S. To anyone out there suffering from depression or who’s life is difficult, I hope with all my heart that it improves for you. Please forgive my self-interested ranting, I know I have a good life and I am forever grateful for that and I don’t want others to think I do not appreciate  what I have. REALLY, comment if you want to talk.