Honestly i just feel like theres no cure to being me. Despite all my good points i feel like my personality is hollow and empty. Because it was pain and trauma that developed, that shaped who i am completely, to the point its all there is inside me. I was molested as a child, abused and harassed for being anorexic or self harming, dealt with poverty and a severely mentally ill mother often by myself when my father was basically out of the picture, grew up isolated (no school, no friends), i’ve been homeless and just so much shit (some i dont want to get into), and just all the depression, ptsd, panic/rage issues
Im just competely damaged, pain addicted freak. Im 19 and have no real good memories. Never had a boyfriend or been in love but have been used for sex so many times and thrown aside for normal girls…girls who deserve love and happiness.
Whats worst is i don’t even have any tears left to cry. Im not sad or depressed anymore. I dont even try to be traditionally happy anymore…i’ve become a shallow, vain, self obsessed ***** and get caught up in casual sex/drug use. Ive becpme severely masochistic and even let guys hurt me (including cut me)…that, along with thoughts of dying and self harm are the only things that comfort me. I dont even feel “joyful” things anymore…just pain…and i see a sick beauty in it.
I want to die because my life has slowly stripped away any real reason to live..i dont want a husband (tho maybe love but probably with an abuser), or kids or a career or anything. I just want to get what i can out of the years of prettiness i have left and peace out….and it feels so right to feel thar way.
1 comment
The pain is unbearable isn’t it? Its like what used to be a slight pain in your heart has over time engulfed your entire being in misery and sorrow to the point that you’ve forgotten what anything else feels like, it’s like life itself has become an expression of suffering for you. You can’t trust anyone, nothing makes you happy, sleep isn’t pleasant, and its a struggle just to get up every day. There is no cure for this sorrow, life is a never-ending cycle of suffering and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change it. I wish I knew a cure because I’d like one myself, but that’s just well-wishing. I hope you find some light in your life, you’re still young which means you have a good chance of overcoming your suffering at some point. I wish you the best.