….oh yeah..
I’m suddenly feeling a manic episode coming on. I’m at a crossroads with this feeling.. I don’t know whether to try and use it to feel better or keep low with the help of my sad music and bad habits. I just don’t want to crash again..it’s getting so old I just want to keep myself down and depressed as long as possible. But time goes by and I get nothing done in my life. I cant eat to the point of self harm. The problem with these manic feelings is that they always drop suddenly without warning, that or I become delusional and even hallucinate..kinda. I don’t know what feelings to trust anymore. I need a doctor…bad.
I’m only trying to collect my thoughts and form a workable battle plan. I can never stick to my guns even though i have the words tatted on my arm.. “stick to yer guns”
I can settle for not being happy for the time being..but i absolutely must be able to function so I can clean and throw shit away. I’m preparing to change my life style to fit my condition.. gonna throw away all my things and move out of this house, get a cheaper place closer to the beach so I can afford therapy and have a smaller home so it doesn’t feel so empty with all the sad memories. Have to get rid of my pets so i can have the option of not coming home if its really necessary. I’m so upset.. I never wanted to lose my life.. I tried so hard to build what I have and now I’m so lost I can’t focus on anything worth doing. I know it will be recommended for me to be hospitalized, in the end.
I don’t want attention, I don’t want to die..I want to get better.
I’m here gripping my own cell bars and begging for freedom from this.. I know I have to be patient and my time will come. I don’t know how I’ve been able to live as this person for over 30 years. All the ups and downs ..surviving on pure luck, it seems. This is where I’d be inclined to say.. “guess someone is watching over me ^up there” ..must be an angel looking over me. But it’s the demons down with me, feeling me up as I am.
When I feel like I can actually stand and get something done, I have to work fast so I can optimize my production. But it’s fleeting.. never lasts long. The thought that I was like this even when I had my wife around still is disturbing… I just wish I was getting help back then. Damn me and whatever the fuck is wrong with me.. it’s ruined everything in my life. …and this is where my mind turns to suicide…
But death will always be waiting.. that’s for sure. As long as I can endure the torture, there is still a chance to find peace before I die. And that’s all I really want.. I just want to live a few peaceful years before I go.
Something has to change
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and yeah you should buy a small house, and get a job you actually like, too 😛
I like to think that I can learn to love my job once again.. I have a brand new life..I’m trying so hard to hang on to. If I can just get the help I need, I might be ok to keep working the way I use to. I was good at what I do, before all this took over. My physical condition is a brick wall in my way though. Can’t keep going if I have no muscle to push me, no appetite to fuel me, and no time to recover..ever.
Hoping I can get that help..feel hungry again..and continue to feel healthy like I use to. I desperately need to stop smoking too..
Thank you for the kindness
I relate to the moodswings you are enduring RealTalk, and I’m 52, I’ve been going through this shit even longer than you. (Not trying to one-up, just sayin’.) Don’t have a job though – the manic depression is too serious for that. I found it comforting to read of someone going through similar stuff. I admire your fighting spirit. I’m trying to find that in myself too, but at the moment all I seem to do is fall asleep and then wake up feeling like death itself.
Words of comfort are hard to find right now, but just know you’re not alone mate.
Thanks for taking the time to relate, seppuku.
I try hard not to feel alone, cause I know so many have it very hard. I’m really just starting to feel the clinical effects of this problem of mine. I’ve had it pretty bad in the past. My teen years were very bad, my mid 20’s were even worse. But i didn’t want help, I wanted to die. Now I see how good my life could be but only now I’m losing control all together. I have relatives that are suffering worse than I am and I can only perceive it’s gonna get just as bad. It’s a race against time now.
Thank you
Let’s both try and stay strong through this RT. One thing we can be sure of, whatever we’re going through right now will pass, to be replaced by some other shit, lol!
I can see what you mean.
My mood has changed and now I’m trying not to get carried away with it. Feeling manic creeping up behind my shoulders
This is what I can’t stand.. my thoughts start to spiral out of control. I have to literally stop thinking and breathe. There have been times when I’d just let my mind go and my mouth would follow and, well…it’s not like it’s an entirely bad thing, but it’s still out of control even when I go on positive or enlightening rants and tangents. And the negative ones are just alarming ..I’d say.
Ok I have to stop or my head will cave in