I dont know exactly how to word this. Nor do i know why i feel the way i do every single day. Im often wasting my life away, feeling that damn tired feeling that makes me want to lay down and wish for the pain in my heart to stop. I keep asking myself why when the pain consumes my mind, suicide rings like a clear message.
Im a 19 year old, high school graduate male. Bisexual in my tastes, and the abomination the church I once sought comfort in, would now view me if i come out. I’ve never had a relationship. I’m dead scared of rejection and can’t muster the strength to seek the love I need. I tell others im not interested in dating right now, to cover the fact that I’m not only horrified of people, as well as born in a state that condemns any sort of m/m relationships.
I have a mostly loving family. My mother tries her hardest to guide her three boys. My two older brothers struggled with drugs and wrong crowds. After so many years, they finally got their acts together. They both have girlfriends, they both are comfortable with their lives. Yet i loathe them. I’ve never been close to either.of them. I dont relate to either of them, their interests are a whole other world i cant stand. Yet they are happier than me. They never graduated yet they manage to find a life of their own.
My mother married an asshole earlier this year. I’ve known my real dad as he had died when i waw only 8. This man joined our family about five years ago, and ive come to hate his very existence. He has similar interests yet never bonded. He experienced the same losses and even attempted suicide, yet he speaks to me and brothers with callous disrespect and sarcastic care. He spoils my step-brother yet never truly is active in his role as a father to him. Is his love what i want? Highly doubt it.
I’ve accomplished nothing in my life outside being the only graduate in my family. College has no interest as i cant find a goal in life to persue. My professional career is so damned sloppy already. I broke my tools at my first job that lasted a year due to my overcoming unhappiness, then just fell down from bouncing job to job. I cant hold a job nor feel happy doing this work that tears my sanity.
My best friends are no longer my trusted people. I cant share my pain happily anymore. I look at them who all lead better lives than me, who are attending great schools and have all the support I’ll never have. As i waste my time gaming and locking myself away in my room.
I reached out to the only person in my life who’s been there, and i cant bring myself to opening up about this failure.im living. I couldnt even beg for some hint of help. I look at my closest friend and just realize i cant trust him either with the pain im enduring.
Ive come to attempt suicide once. My brother’s pistol remains unguarded and lazily hidden. I held the empty gun to my head. Unknowingly or knowingly of such, and pulled the trigger so many times. That disappointing clicking sound that rings in my head now.. once i realized what i was doing, i put it back and cried pathetically. The fact I’ve idly pulled it in different positions and was able to do it without fear… horrifies me.
I cant stop thinking of suicide. Ive considered it when i was 12 years old, and only now has it come back in full force. I disappoint my family and come to feel like a burden to them. I think of ways i can cut ties with all of them so once I do die, they’ve no reason to feel hurt. I ask myself how to end it. Maybe taking my car with atleast two pills from every bottle that clogs that damned cabnit. Drive out somewhere secluded and slowly poison myself till the pain and misery is gone.
I hate myself for lying to those I love most. I hate that I attend a church I dont believe in anymore merely to keep my friends. I put on this smile in public, but behind this screen i can release the demons in my mind without judgement. The people online are the only ones I connect with now, and i still ask myself if they are any more genuine with their words or merely saying what I want to hear…
I cant see myself anymore. I look in the mirror and look with disgust at whom i look at. The young adult who can smile and radiate the room. But inside fucking lies to everyone to keep them happy. To make them feel alive while i merely rot within…
9 comments
Wow. The level to which I can relate to you is astounding… I wish I had wise advice to give you to help you escape or end your pain. All I can say is that I’m sorry. It’s not any fun living this way, is it?
Sorry to hear your story. It sounds like you came really close. It’s always extra sad to see young people on here because the teens and early twenties are some of the hardest years of life. I highly recommend seeking professional help if possible. Have you ever thought about moving away from the family to start over in a place that is more accepting of you and your lifestyle?
First, there are churches and spiritual people who will accept you. Perhaps experiment by going to different groups, listening to them and finding out how you fit. Second, a good therapist can help guide you and be supportive of who you really are. A good therapist is one who listens and cares, not one who judges.
I’m so sorry for your pain. I sense that you need to be free to find who you really are inside, the you that’s been buried by pleasing others. It’s time to get to know that you.
I didn’t fit into a family that I loved. It does hurt. Putting some distance between them and you can allow you to look inside, find your own seed and begin to bloom. BTW, you don’t have to become rich or famous. Some of the greatest accomplishments in life are to appreciate fresh air, sunshine, the ocean, and nature in all her amazing forms. Those things feed your soul. The other stuff just puts food on the table, a roof over your head, and clothes on your back. Necessary, but not inspiring.
Vedura
You’re certainly not being selfish. You’re depressed and not receiving the social support you need. This is sadly common to those of us in the bi community, who are disproportionately isolated and treated poorly, contrary to popular belief. As mentioned above there are churches that will accept you, and even churches with bi pastors. I’m sorry I don’t have their names at hand. I’m not a religious person myself. But please have a look at resources for bi people online. In particular I highly recommend “bi tumblr” (as in going to “tumblr.com/tagged/bi tumblr”) to find some blogs by fellow young people who are young, bi, and share many of your interests. Ignore the occasional hate you might see there and just surround yourself in bi community as a start. Realizing what a gift bisexuality/biromanticism is, despite how bi folks often get treated, can be incredibly empowering.
While you’re young, although the road is certainly hard, you can always reinvent yourself and/or start over. A therapist or career counsellor might be able to help you figure out how to narrow things down to something accessible that you’d be happy doing with your life. (They will refuse to make the final decision for you but they can probably do some things to help.) Society puts all sorts of indirect pressure on us to be “perfect” but there is no such thing as perfection in this world.
hey, bro, really good advice in these posts.
I cried while reading this. I cried for you, but I also cried because this sounds almost exactly like my story. I’m 19 as well, the only graduate in my family, and a closet bisexual. It’s scary how much our stories are identical. If you ever wanna talk, I’ll listen. I know far to well what it’s like to feel like you have no one. For me, I think talking to a stranger or someone who’s going through what you are is pretty helpful. Helps me keep the pain at bay. Let me know if you wanna talk. If not me, find someone to talk to.
How can a church that talks of love then cause such fear and self loathing among gay or bi-sexual members. I do agree there are churches more welcoming, not all are so blinkered in this area. With regards to your current position, moving may have to be the alternative to living a life so constraining to you and who you are. You’re quite entitled to live your life as you wish, and that you are quite normal, it’s those who say otherwise who should be condemned as the narrow minded people they are. I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position of hiding what’ll being you happiness in the future, please find a way through this, I’d hate to see anyone die over this issue that belongs in history.
The reason those Churches are like that is because as much as they preach a message of love they rather condemn people as if they are gods themselves. Honestly, I have never seen anything like it in my life!!!! A message of “loving the sinner and hating the sin” is preached but all too often it is the Sinner who feels the judgement. A word about God: He isn’t anything like that!! He is sadly far more accepting than His church and that is a shame seeing as they are supposed to be His representatives on this earth. As said above, not all churches are like that. And if you feel that is important to you than please find one that will accept you for who you are!!!! It is history and I wish it wasn’t even that as NO ONE has the right to condemn you for who you wish to be!! They claim it is a sin but yet if they don’t love you and accept you regardless they are no better my friend!!!! And yes, I am speaking as a Christian. Thankfully, one with Compassion and acceptance of everyone regardless of who they are and what the like. And I know that no matter who you are I would not want to see you end your life!!!! We care here and if you need us talk to us about it. The issue of being Bi and whatever it is supposed to mean need to die not you!!!! Blessings to you my friend!!!!!! Please take care of yourself!!!!!!
You actually sound like a great guy, the kind of person that I’d really enjoy being friends with, if I weren’t such a fucked up freak with no friends. Peace, man.