It has been such a long time since I’ve posted on here. Maybe its because I feel like I have been improving a lot with my ongoing treatement, but lately I feel like I’ve been slipping backwards.
I just became aware of the emotionally abusive relationship I was in with my “best friend” and now, I fear my safety. I have been advised to get an AVO against her, but I don’t want to involve the police.
After my physically abusive ex boyfriend four years ago, I just don’t understand how I didn’t see her for what she really was. Even when I was aware – I still defended that b*tch.
The sad thing is, despite I having blocked her fb and number – and yet her creating a new fb for the sole purpose of sending me threatening messages – I don’t hate her.
In fact, I feel sorry for her because its not her mentality that’s fucked up, its her personality. She honestly thinks she’s done nothing wrong.
But she ruined me – and she manipulated me to believe that I cannot live without her – that I am no one, nothing without her. And you know what, its been a couple of days since her threatening messages, and I do feel like a no one.
At first I felt freedom, I could finally do whatever I wanted, hang out with who ever I wanted without the possessiveness and jealously following.
But now- its almost like I miss her constant texts and calls asking me where I am, what I’m doing, what I’ve eaten that day, who I hung out with etc
What is wrong with me??
How do I keep falling into these traps of abuse. Emotionally started with my father and first boyfriend, then escalated to emotional and physical with my second boyfriend and now emotionally with my so call best friend.
One time about eleven months ago, I remember we were both drunk together and as a mark of “friendship” she wanted us to have something identical that would last forever. I agreed.
Normal friends would have got a tattoo, but this messed up girl drew a pocket knife to my arm and relentless tore my skin. I have a keloid scarring from a few centimetres deep laceration caused by her. After she’d cut me handed me the knife.
I remember looking at her baffled.
I refused to inflict pain on my best friend for no reason at all. I denied cutting her. That pissed her off, but at the same time- she found it amusing that there was copious amount of blood staining my bathroom tiles and that I was unable to stop the bleeding.
How did I forgive her?
How did I not see her for what she was?
How can I be so stupid?
Sad thing is – I don’t even hate her. I feel sorry for her because I know she will never change simply because she had an instable upbringing and since childhood- never learnt the difference between right and wrong.
She truly believes she’s done nothing wrong.
It’s not her mentality that’s messed up; its her personality. So, unfortunately, that means she will never change and that simply breaks my heart.
I’ve lost the idea of having a best friend and now… now I feel so empty and alone.
My apologies for raging- and rant over.
4 comments
Hey there,
I really know what you’re saying. I won’t talk too much about my previous experiences, but I had a friend like this as well. Actually, I liked her more than a friend, which I think made her believe that because I felt this way for her, she could just step all over me and criticize everything that meant something to me. Yeah, it wasn’t a very fun time for me.
If you would like to share your story with me, or would like anyone to talk to, drop me a line.
brl.cents@gmail.com
its terrible to believe she can never change.. i say that.. because if i can never change who I am.. its a slow suicide for me.. and you are right, its extremely hard to try and change someone for the better. I have a best friend thats been helping me for years to get my life on track.. but my depression and terrible mistakes and mental attitude have not changed.. only gotten worse. I pray for change.. but my mind dwells.. then when I see a lil light, I switch it back off into darkness unintentionally.. and I did have a good upbringing. knew right from wrong.. but all it took was a submission of massive exposure to taste the forbidden apple.. drugs..
You can still talk and hang out with her, do positive things together, like go do some hot yoga.. sometimes a personality is altered by environmental situations.. some people need that type of change, or they will parish forever.. like i have..
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a hard time.
I do hope that one day it will all work out for you..
And no I can’t ever be friends with her- I’m not saying this to be dramatic; but it’s either continue being a doormat or break off the friendship with her. She has narcissist traits which means she literally cannot take into account other people’s feelings and always has to be in control. That’s why I was her only friend. Now that she’s lost me, she will either try to force me back to her or move onto a new person.
Good to see you are still alive. I am glad you got treatment. It is normal to miss a relationship no matter how abusive it was. There is nothing wrong with you for missing it. It just takes time. Be strong, you got this! 🙂