I mustered up the courage to write a post. Usually I just read and reply to others, but I’m giving this a go.
For awhile now, I’ve been dying in my dreams, sometimes I’m killed, other times, I just give up. The struggle isn’t worth the fight and I find myself falling to my death or drowning. Everything becomes slow, and blurred, carefree and eventually fade to black.
I imagine, maybe that’s what it’s like to die? Even if it was more painful, I don’t think I would mind it.
I’m 25 years old… 25. Next year I’ll be 26… and I have completed nothing. My whole life has been delayed, always delayed (I can’t even tell you) and now I can’t manage to fix it. I was just about to graduate college last year, two classes away… and then my dad died from cancer. Now, this semester is ending, and I still haven’t worked on my last two projects. Honestly, I don’t think I could turn them in anyway… They probably wouldn’t accept it since so much time has passed.
Not graduating college is haunting because everyone believes I finished it. My student loans are constantly at my back, and I need a full time job… but what about college? And for some reason, the job I applied to take “months” to process… and what about grad school? All my friends are getting engaged, and I still can’t get my feet on the ground. I had big dreams… and I’m already 25…. I feel like I missed the time to do everything I wanted…
I have tremendous amounts of guilt, and I feel like I racked up a years worth of lies about my life. I would like to die, but I feel like that isn’t enough. I need my existence to vanish.
It’s so pathetic, writing this makes me think… what’s wrong with me, why would I want to die about something so… petty. I’m ungrateful.
I could die though, I signed up to donate my body to science… so.. least there wont be any funeral costs… and my student loans will disappear since my family can’t inherit the debt. Man, I wish my death would equal not existing… So my history and memory could fade away. 🙁
4 comments
You could ask them to consider extenuating circumstances. I’d approach the college now, they’ll them about your dad and ask for an extension. If they say no, just do the best you can.
Who on earth has completed something? I think life as a whole is a long string of unfinished chronicles. We’re all going to the same place, and we’re scurrying about, trying to do stuff before we get there, as though we’re being judged in the end and might win first place. There are no prizes, no speeches, no winner’s circle, no loser’s circle – there is nothing without end, and oblivion. You die, you decompose, the people who knew you die and decompose, and pretty soon, more people arrive on planet Earth to resume the same frantic race to nowhere. Enjoy your time here. Try to understand the world around you and make it better for your part in it, despite everything. You’re alive now, and you can only live once.
@xanadu. Great way to see it. I felt less pressure just reading this and viewing it that way.
Dreams at night can be fascinating to me. Ever since I was a child I was always interested in the dreams I have at night. I usually have good dreams, but when I have bad dreams they are usually about me beig in school and I have a paper due or an exam and I dont have the paper done and I didnt study for the exam but then I waked up in a panic then a moment goes buy and I am like. I am not even in school.
But I have never had a dream where I was dieing in the dream.
I do beieve that dreams are relavant. Mean they are either a message to us or a warning or contain a lesson or lif is trying to get attention. So I believe dreams some of the times at least are for a reason.
I dont think the dream is trying to tell you that your going to die or that you should end yourself.
Maybe the dream is trying to get you to a place of seeking help or a warning that your going down the wrong direction in life in some area.
One thing I have to say is that from your post you seem to be very hard on yourself.
Your 25. Your still young. I know you could go back to college and finish the credits you didnt finish and get your degree. I know you can. I know people who go back to school then they are in their 40’s to finish a degree. Your credits at the school that you comleteed are still on file.
So if its hanuting you that you didnt finish. Then get back to the school one of these semesters and finish it. You know you can do that.
Also dont get caught up in measureing yourself with friends or peers and such.
Just because you have friends that are getting engaged does not mean they are necesarily beter off then you. Just start where you are. and go forward.
Finish up the school if its hanutning you.
there will be time for you to work after school.
sometimes people seem to be ahead > but they have issues to deal with that you might not now about. So your not a failure dude. Your stil young you have plenty of time to finish school
get engaged yourself someday and trust me that is not something you want to jump into quickly anyway. There will be good job opportunities for you in the future.
Try to stay positive.
There is no one big moment in life where you just have everythying sorted out
life is like a bunch of little steps and you can change your path at any time.
You can change your career at any time
You can meet the love f your life at anytime
Just keep going forward
and dont be so hard on yourself
stop thinking your pathetic because your not.
Youve got many years ahead of you.
think positive and move in the direction you want to go
one step at a time.