Is this all my life will be: broken dreams, loneliness, pain and fear. I once had such high hopes, now I’m an embarrassment, I’m worthless trash.
All I want is to hold you, to love you, to protect you, it’s all Angela, my angel. You screwed me, you used me, now I’ve fallen apart, if only I’d known you’d do that, but I was caught up in love. Feel broken, death now awaits, do you even care, your life was all that mattered. You treated me like you were ashamed of me, you were ashamed, that’s clear, such damaged you caused me, such a worthless feeling now.
Life consumed by loneliness, paranoia, social anxiety, inadequacies, depression, migraines, emptiness, you were right not to want me, I’m only good dead, but I’m too frightened for even that.
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No. Don’t do this to yourself. Please don’t. You may be suffering but you are not only good dead. I refuse to believe that. You are such a good person. So generous and kind. We all can see it in comments you leave. And you leave a lot. You take the time to comment and help others so often. Please nias don’t think you are better off dead. You matter. You make a difference. Hugs.
I know you won’t believe me but let me tell you this: time will heal this wound, and you can bear it. You can survive it, there is something good waiting for you, it’s worth bearing. It will take a long time, you’re going to suffer, it’s going to be awful. You’re going to lose sleep, you’re going to have stomach problems, you’re going to make poor decisions in your work and with your health.
But, it will get better. You’ll come to realize that NO, it wasn’t all your fault. You didn’t deserve to be treated this way. You made some mistakes but you didn’t deserve it. Stop pursuing her, stop looking for answers, stop trying to get her attention. She’s gone and her coming back would be the absolute worst thing for you going forward. You’re not so much missing her and sad to have lost her, you’re embarrassed about how you behaved, how naive you were, how you didn’t understand what was going on and how overwhelmed you were. It’s not even about her, it’s about you, and it’s time to take care of yourself and take this as an opportunity to grow.
It’s time to take care of you. Respect yourself, acknowledge your errors and forgive yourself. Work on yourself. Educate yourself, learn new skills, work hard on your education and your career. Work on your health and your fitness. Cut out your bad habits. Make yourself a better more interesting person for when you’re ready to try again. You’ll be armed to the teeth with emotional fortitude by then too.
But don’t let this harden your heart. Remember how alive she made you feel and be glad for that. Be grateful for that. Work hard to get yourself to a place where you can open your heart to someone who deserves for you to have those feelings again, but where you are then able to recognize when you’re not getting back anything.
If you end it now, then that’s it – it’ll be over, forever, and you won’t have the chance to experience these amazing feelings again but the right way. What have you got to lose? You’re in horrible pain now, but you have to believe – you have to know – that it’s POSSIBLE that you can do it and feel those things again but in a healthy way. The pain won’t last, it’ll get weaker and weaker every day. Until one day it’ll all be just a bad memory and you’ll smile thinking how naive you were. How you made it.
I’ve been there. I’m doing the part where I’m working on myself now. I was in your state in 8 months ago. It’s still very hard. I think about her all the time. I made some really bad choices in that state. I’ve been out of work for a long time, really nothing going my way. Filled with regret. After months and months of struggling I found a job – starting in January. This is my chance. 2015 focus on doing well there and continuing to work on myself. When I’m better I’ll get back out there.
I’m rooting for you, STAY ALIVE!!!
nias, you matter. your posts have helped me. personally. you are one of the folks who convinced me to seek help. to keep going. yeah, we got some messed up problems to deal with, and we are. that fear you felt for me i know feel for you. you are my friend, and i care. i want to help and do more, but alas, im words on a screen. please keep trying. i know its hard ( cmon, its me), but you can get through this. seems like you told me that a time or two. please take care and know a lot of love and hugs are sent to you. keep trying
I know exactly how you feel nias. You are not all that you say nnd feel you are, you’re such a kind and selfless person to touch others threw your comments on their posts. I can tell you have a beautiful heart. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. It does get better in time. I didn’t think it would when I lost someone close to me, but trust me as time passes the pain becomes less and less. You’re beautiful person always remember that. Hugs
Thank you for commenting, it means so much. I’d just woken up after 2 hours sleep and felt low, felt I wanted to post, to get some stuff out of me. The relationship I mentioned was many, many years ago, but it was how ashamed she was of me, that has always stayed with me, she didn’t know how to get rid of me, she belittled me and hoped I’d just go away. All of you are right, things get better, hoping for something in 2015. Sorry to worry you all, I always feel down when I wake during my sleep, when it’s still dark. So glad you’re ok tc13, and you’re getting help, it makes me feel good to know.
I am glad you are feeling a bit better. 🙂
@tc13 hey good to see you here.