I don`t know where to start.
I was dating the most wonderful woman for a short 20 months; not long, I know. But the time we spent together is irreplaceable. I already deal with depression and anxiety so when she left me one week before Christmas it just set off a severe downward spiral. I cannot get through the day without drinking copious amounts of alcohol and freezing up when the emotions get too strong. I`ve started self-harming again, I haven`t done this in years. It`s not her fault, this is not just because of a simple breakup but an underlying fact that I have not overcome my demons as previously thought.
I don`t want to get better; I want it to end.
11 comments
That really sucks. The demons are just waiting for an opportunity like this.
One possible suggestion: workout like a madman. It will accomplish 3 things… It’ll make you feel better physically (yeah whatever, on to #2)… It’s actually a “safe” or at least “acceptable” form of self harm. Nothing says a cry for help like tearing your ligaments on heavy objects… and #3 in the back of your mind you can tell yourself that when she sees you again you’ll look awesome.
As a fellow longtime demon sufferer and frequent breakup victim, I can say this works about 30% of the time. Which is at least a better success rate than drinking yourself into a coma. Hang tight man.
Agree w/ Salt. Although I don’t tend to take that advice, I do know it’s very good advice.
I know the pain of losing someone amazing. The love of my life (at 52, yea, I know that’s what he was) left w/ no warning, after a year together. 20 months is a long time–nothing to minimize. The trauma of an unexpected breakup like this is REAL. It’s been 7 months since he left, and I’m still grieving very badly. Try working out instead of drinking, but you probably already know, nothing is gonna cure the pain of the loss, except time, and plenty of it. 🙁
three.moons, our situations are very similar — same general time frame, same soul-crushing grief. Is posting here helping you any? I think you’re right that time is the only thing that will make a difference at this point. Hopefully posting here will help the time pass a little more quickly. : )
Hey lost. Posting here helps a bit, yea. Mostly because misery loves company, but often I see posts that bring tears to my eyes. Oddly it’s not necessarily the most broken ones but the ones of hope and encouragement. There’s a lot of good people here.
But like anything else that temporarily soothes the pain, as soon as I walk away from the computer …I’m back in the shithole again. So sorry to hear you are in the same boat. To think there could be years of this grief, is paralzying.
Hey there dusty990,
20 months is plenty long enough to form a strong bond. In my experience, those of us who are starting out with this disadvantage (being depression/anxiety prone) also tend to form intense emotional bonds quickly, and to suffer greatly when those bonds are broken.
It’s absolutely your choice if you’re determined to end things, but if you’ve already decided to call it quits, why don’t you consider taking a few months and doing something purely for your own benefit? Set aside the grief for a moment – if you weren’t in distress over this loss (if you and your girlfriend hadn’t broken up, for instance), and you were told you had 3 months to live, what would you want to do before you die? Pick one (or more) of those things, and set out to make it happen. If you decide to end your life, at least you’ll have had some great experiences first. In the meantime, you might find yourself enjoying life enough to keep going.
And you, lost, are you taking your own advice? Living as though you weren’t grieving??
I can pull that off for a few days at a time via positive thinking (actually the teachings of Neville Goddard) but I can’t keep it up past a few days. The teaching says that what we firmly believe is what we get out of life, and I believe it (all I have to do is look at my life so far, to see it’s true). So if things are shitty, we made it that way by our negative thinking, and can make things better w/ our positive thinking. That’s the teaching. Simple eh? But try it. Like I said, I last maybe 1-2 days before the fact that HE IS NOT HERE smacks me across the face so hard I can’t keep up the charade anymore. I do believe in it, I just can’t do it.
I’m *sort of* taking my own advice. Like you, I can only manage for a very limited time. In fact, I’ve been all over the place, even within the course of one day. But I’m not actively suicidal, either. I really don’t WANT to die, I’d much prefer living happy rather than checking out just to make the misery stop.
If I were to pick a date, settle on a method and commit to it, perhaps that knowledge that it would all be over soon would free up my emotions to some degree so I could focus on some “bucket list” behavior. That’s my reasoning when someone has decided that they’re going to end it — if they’re going to call it quits, that’s understandable, but I’d hope they (and I) could take some time and indulge first, in whatever way they can. And if we can enjoy the indulgence, maybe we’ll walk away thinking life’s still worth another shot.
I’m not familiar with Neville Goddard, but I think the whole positive thinking spiel, while useful in SOME circumstances, is oversimplified and just plain wrong in some situations. That’s not to say we shouldn’t try to view things in a positive light, but it’s unrealistic and unreasonable to blame ourselves for certain things. I think some people respond to the concept because it gives them the idea that have power over certain circumstances, and we often panic when feel helpless and powerless. The notion of empowerment and taking charge of our lives, in general, is a great thing, but I think people misapply “empowerment” and positive thinking, and cross the line into victim-blaming.
I hear you, too, about how this distraction, nice as it is, is temporary, and the crushing weight of grief sets back in as soon as you walk away from the computer.
Here’s hoping we (SP users) can somehow help each other climb out of the abyss.
Sorry for all that rambling just now…
thoughts are powerful. without thought, nothing can be created. ” i think, therfore i am”
hey tc. It really works, if you can do it.
yeah, its hard to do. been working on it for about four years.