I honestly don’t know what I’m doing here. What I’m doing on this site. What I’m doing in this chair. Why I’m anywhere but six feet under. I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t want to be here. Hell, nobody wants me here. I say we cut our loses and toss me over a building.
Of course there’s people that object to this. There always is. They win me over with reason, pull me back over the edge. What they don’t realize is that when they pull me onto the ‘safe’ side, it’s just as deep as the edge of a building. The only difference is it can’t physically kill me. And that’s the worst part.
I’m a fuck up. That’s needless to say. I can’t simply manage to get an A in school. If I can’t manage that in 8th grade, I have no idea how the hell I’m going to survive in high school or college. I’m probably gonna end this term with a bunch of B’s and I’m so incredibly disgusted with it.
I’m such a burden to my friends it’s not even funny. I drag them down with my depression and anxiety. I constantly complain, I’m a drama queen, I can’t do anything right, I can never help them with anything, I am quite literally useless. Always taking and never giving. The worst part? I hate them. I hate them so much. Everything they do makes me want to punch them in the face, and it’s never for a good reason. I hate that they want to help me. I hate that they won’t leave me alone. I hate that they never acknowledge me. I hate that they silently judge me. I hate that they’re amazing at everything. I hate them for being perfect, sympathetic, amazing human beings. I despise them for it. So basically, I’m a jealous piece of shit.
I’m a horrible daughter. With everything else I’ve mentioned, it’s not too hard to understand. I constantly complain, I always need therapist appointments, constantly need meds I never take. It’s irritating and costly. I can’t drag my fat ass out of bed every morning to go work out, not anymore. Why try when I’ll either die before I see improvements, or I’ll end up quitting anyway? I’m ungrateful and disgusting. And it makes sense. The best part? It’s when my parents tell me to “get over” my mental illnesses. Like I haven’t tried that before. I’ve tried explaining. Trying to tell them that it’s like having a car. It’s always out of gas and you have to push it everywhere. The thought of pushing the damn thing is daunting enough, much less actually making any progress. Her view on my anxiety is a constant battle of trying to understand and getting to frustrated to listen to me.
I can’t focus on any of the books I read. I keep buying them in hopes of one of them capturing my attention like they used to when I was younger. Hoping they just might drag me into someone else’s problems like they unknowingly did to me when I was a kid. It doesn’t work. I constantly lose my motivation. I’m supposed to make a sponsorship package for a student voice conference my group is doing. I willingly joined this group and I was supposed to have this package in two weeks ago. Instead I’m sitting here wondering why I joined this group in the first place. When literally all it was is a stupid play group to keep the kids satisfied. Make them feel like they’re doing something and they won’t complain, right?
I used to actually do something with myself. I went to the gym every morning. My friend ended up joining not too long after. She’s so much better than I am, there’s really no point in my attendance. When we went, we went with my mom every morning. Now my friend just goes. Everyone thinks my friend is my mom’s daughter. As far as they know, I was the friend…
I don’t see the point anymore. People always say you have a future planned out for you. I don’t. I really, truly, honestly don’t. I have no motivation or commitment to do anything. I hate everyone that tries to help me. I’m too stupid to ever make a decent change in any way. I’ll never be able to follow my dreams and make music. I can’t sing and I’m the worst musician to ever exist. I’ve had a guitar for months and I can’t play a full song yet. My friend got a bass a week ago and she already has over fifteen bass lines learned.
How am I supposed to contribute when I can’t do anything? The answer is I can’t contribute. I don’t contribute. I take a few bottles of pills and it’s all solved. Someone else can have my education. They’ll do more with it than I ever could. My friend can have my guitars, she’ll save so many more people with them. Someone else can have my mom, they’ll be a much better daughter than I ever could. My siblings can have the money that’s wasted on trying to make me normal again. Maybe they’ll get a chance to pursue their dreams with it. Whatever it is, they’ll be amazing.
I wish this was goodbye. I really wish it was. But I’m too weak. I haven’t worked up the courage yet. One day I’ll jump off the edge, with a running start, but until then I’m stuck here. Stuck in a constant, depressing, anxious, existential crisis that I’ll probably never escape from.
2 comments
I found that being around other people always makes me feel shit about myself and I grow to hate them. I just can’t be expressive around others, I can’t grow when comparing myself to them. I feel like a constant fuck up and cannot think of a single successful act that has been contributed by me.
I abandoned those around me, I left them, couldn’t give a toss about them. Still feel like crap. Future looks bleak and unwelcoming and each day is a struggle to push through.
I wish I could give you some helpful advice but I’ll be honest, I wish my parents didn’t waste their time conceiving me.
Your grades aren’t half bad, you have good literacy skills and you don’t count as one of the sheeple of this world.
I think you need a means to cope (no shit, am I right?), that is how I have managed to get this far in life. I like gaming, anime, music and reading (currently reading Joe Abercrombie’s “First Law” Trilogy, excellent read so far). Something that doesn’t involve people in your life, try to keep reality as far away as possible. One day when you have finished High School/College and you get your own place, then you can truly tell everyone to fuck off.
That’s my dream anyway. I hope fair better than I.
It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of confusion regarding your feelings. You recognize that you require therapy and medication, which is nothing to be ashamed of. You said you do not take the meds you know you need – may I ask why?
It sounds as if you may be dealing with a disorder of some kind that can be diagnosed and treated. If it requires taking medication, try to look at the meds as a good thing. They may assist in helping you re-discover the things you once enjoyed.
In regard to your grades, to me, a bunch of B’s sounds very good! I can understand your disappointment if you are used to doing better, but it would appear that you are doing very well academically. I know that as I was reading your post, I was surprised to learn that you were only in the eighth grade – I would have thought you were much older based on your writing.
You sound like someone with a lot to offer the world, but is going through some difficult things that need to be addressed. I sincerely hope you don’t give up yet.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)