I feel silly

I don’t belong here. . . My brother is constantly going on about how he’s depressed and that apparently means that I should do things for him and he tries to make me feel guilty saying things like how our dad (who adopted and raised him) likes me more than him and treats me like a princess and just makes his life miserable when all he ever does is sit in his room and play video games. . . and I just moved in with my dad and his family last summer and its the first time in my life I’ve had him in my life and I don’t fit into his family and I feel horrible about it and then even worse b/c of stuff my brother gripes at me about and I just want to disappear, fade into the background sometimes that way I’m not in the way. . . and my dad tries so hard to include me which makes my brother even madder and then I feel worse cuz I hurt my dad’s feelings when I try and just get him to let it go and stop and I don’t seem to get it right regardless of what I do. . . I don’t mean to be difficult I really don’t. . . but I just turned 18 and I’m trying so hard to find work that way I can move out and take care of myself and not be a bother since I graduated early and can go ahead of do that. and I keep getting sad all the time and don’t want to get out of bed and I’ve struggled with depression before and it was so hard to pull myself out of that black hole and I’m terrified of being sucked back in stuck , but I’m even more scared that I’m already there and no one realizes it and I’m not sure if I’m just a good actress or nobody really gives a care. I want to scream but my mouth wont work and I want to fall back into hurting myself but it’s been over a year since I stopped and I’d hate to mess that up. and when I’m sitting there listening to my brother going on and on about how he’s right and dad doesn’t really like him I want to scream at him and tell him off for being a spoiled brat who doesn’t seem to appreciate the fact that he has parents who love him, who actually bother to make sure he’s fed, who checks on him when he’s sick, who don’t sit there and tell him how he’s a worthless piece of trash like my mother let her bfs and fiancees do  to me. . . But I don’t and he just goes on about how he’s 18 and shouldn’t be expected to cook for himself (which means throwing a pizza in the oven) or do his laundry that it’s practically child abuse to him. . . it’s unbelievably frustrating. . . and then I feel sad and unbelievably silly for it b/c there’s no point in being sad it won’t get me anywhere, but I can’t just turn it off and it’d disheartening. . . I just want to feel okay, not sick every time someone touches me or like I should hide in my bed when I wake up. . . and I just needed to write some of what I was feeling out, so I found this site and I hope this wasn’t too much to post and I just I know I’ll be okay eventually not tonight or tomm but I’ll be okay and I just needed to get this out of my head and somewhere else, so thank you.