Just Stupid Things

1/16/15 This my first post on this profile. I had a previous one but could not log into it so this is my new one.

I had a shitty day Friday and it’s really hard when everyone says for me to “let it go” or “stop thinking about it, wait and see. Life will get better.” I’ve been told these things the past 7 years. I am almost 16, everything is boiling down to this one thing.

All my life I was abused, bullied and depressed. I don’t remember the last time I was ever fully happy. Every time I think about my past it just makes me hurt. Anyone I ever loved or cared about has crossed me in ways that shouldn’t be forgiven. I still pray for them.

Since about 3rd grade I started losing friends. First it was my friend Andrew, he was seriously the closest thing I had at the time. He moved away. I was sad I lost my best friend, and the fact his mother wanted nothing to do with me.

Goodbyes weren’t all that easy for me at the time, I was going through some bullying, and he was my protector.

Ever since then, I can honestly say I’ve never fully been happy. For me, losing everything happens on a daily basis. The only way to cope with my sorrow and pain, is to afflict it to myself. Whether it is through self-mutilation or just repeating horrible things in my head. I don’t stop to think about how it will affect me in the long run, it’s a quick and easy way to lose track of the bad thoughts, even if it’s just for a moment.

I never really understood how someone could get so close to you and disappear like it was literally nothing. I don’t understand how I let myself get my hopes up, always trying to find someone who will stay, but then I end up getting the same result.

Every year since 1st grade I was teased and picked on for just the little things. Ever since 3rd grade, every single year, I lost a friend. Usually it was because of someone talking bad about me, or the person was just done dealing with me and my struggles. I still don’t understand how I honestly get myself caught up in the same situations, over and over again. I make the same mistakes and I really don’t know what I do wrong.

Last year, I had a best friend. This girl, J, we did everything together. I invited her to my birthday dinner at a fancy restaurant, we went on my first ever bus ride, we had many adventures. There was a girl who saw our growing bond and wanted to become friends with us. I felt a bad gut feeling about this girl, so when she would complain non stop to me about her life, I decided enough was enough and I couldn’t take it. Her name was, G (let’s just use initials), and boy was she mad.

She “heard that I said she copied my friend’s hair color” so her, and two of her friends ran up to me. They all tried to fight me, they were screaming at me in front of a bunch of teachers and even my friends. I was standing alone with girls pushing me in every direction. I just walked away and got to class. At that time, it was so sudden and I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I didn’t even know the other girls who were with her.

J and I were still close, even when G tried to spread nasty rumors and talk about my “Dumbo ears” and ‘get the London look’ tooth gap, J was right beside me. They started talking about her too. They said she had “chopstick legs” and that she had “so long armpit hair she could braid it”. We didn’t care what they thought and it felt really amazing to have someone besides me for once.

Most of the time, I would have people call me names, make fun of me, and push me around. I would have to deal with it by myself and have no one to lean on or talk about personal stuff with. I thought I finally had someone I could confide in, a forever friend.

This year, everything was actually going good, for the first few months of school. G started to hang around me and my friends, I told her 3 times to her face “I don’t want to be your friend and I will never forgive you for all the shit you put me through”, she still stuck around.

During October, my mom tried to beat me up and I defended myself, I ended up in Juvi for 6 days. Now I’m on probation, and with no friends. I was in Juvi from a Thursday, to a Wednesday. On the Monday I was in Juvi, every single one of my friends stopped contacting me. I didn’t find that out until after.

When I went to school on Wednesday, I saw J and hugged her. She stood there and didn’t do anything. I talked to my friend C and he was like “I’m not going to be friend with someone who turns people against each other.” and I was like “WTF”.

Basically the Monday they stopped texting me, was the day they decided to sit in a circle at lunch and talk shit about me. They told their “stories” and apparently “things matched up”. Because I was away I couldn’t defend myself. Later I found out that was G’s plan all along, it was to steal J from me.

I tried to make amends, apologize for anything I ever “did”. I even admitted to things I didn’t do but they didn’t want to be friends with me at all. They all met through me, they were friends because of me in a way. I just don’t understand how my friend of a YEAR could do that to me.

J and another girl A, were in my group for a project. A was “so hurt from everything I did to her” that she had to try and sabotage my part of it. She blocked me from the google doc we were working on, blocked me when I had proof that I didn’t say the things she was saying, and just tried to ruin me. She told people I didn’t even talk to that I said they were “mentally retarded and too dumb to live.” I never ever would say that about someone.

These girls used to be my friends, then they turned into frenemies, pretending to be nice to my face and talking about me behind my back. I didn’t buy all that bullshit so I just let them do as they pleased.

I met a girl named T and we have become close these past couple of months. We even bought each other Christmas gifts, which I love by the way. She is also friends with G so I have to deal with that.

On Friday she decided to randomly stop talking to me. She wouldn’t look away from her phone and just wouldn’t really speak to me. During PE, which is my last class of the day, she decided to stop replying to everything I was saying and completely give me the cold shoulder. I know I would never talk about her to anyone because she was the only one who talked to me.

I guess she is mad at me because she stopped replying to my texts, she has read my kiks and even when my friend asked her to reply, she said “it takes to much energy”. I don’t understand how someone can ignore you like that. Judging from my past experiences, I think she was talking to someone and they must’ve said that I was “talking shit about her”. That’s usually how people leave it with me.

Tomorrow I don’t know how I am going to deal with it. It is going to be really awkward if she’s mad at me and won’t speak to me. She is friends with everyone at school, I’d be the first person she would be mad at. I don’t even know what I did because I haven’t talked to her. I have 5 out of 6 classes with her and I sit next to her in almost all of them. It’s annoying.

I don’t have a smart phone to occupy myself with during times of need so I am going to hope my boyfriend texts me. He is the only thing that makes me happy in times like these.

I would just like to hear some feedback from you all. This is the ongoing drama that is my life. I will never really find a true friend or even a place to get away from ridicule conducted by my peers. I don’t even know how I am going to deal with it tomorrow.

Please comment and tell me what I should do, I really need some good, wholesome advice.