I feel nothing for anyone around me. Those that say they care, are more easily consumed by their own interests. I hate my life. I hate waking in the morning, the façade of a life I present to others, the happiness I show people daily, and, more so, not being able to sleep with my own thoughts at night. Why do I continue? Why keep up this farce of a life? Am I that weak? Can I not end this charade? I guess nothing ends….
I gather courage from pain. Each day, I put my uniform on, knowing I am hated. My only hope is to cross paths with a person that hates me enough to do something about it. I have no personal well being or self conscious. I only have hope. Hope one day I run across the one person that has less to lose than I do. Hope that this person cares even less about me than I ever could. Hope that this person wants me gone, without ever having really known who I am. These are my “hopes”. Some day… may my hope find another to answer my prayers. God knows if I could, I would do it myself. Yet, here I remain. I guess nothing ends…
I feel remorse for the woman I’ve started to date. She has no idea that I am as disabled as I am. I want to tell her. I want to tell her to run… run far away from me! NOW! The sex is meaningless… I feel obligated to do it. She tells me she loves me… and, I feel the need to find another woman to lay in bed with. Love? I think I remember what that was. It was a moment in time. It was when I really believed I was happy. Those days are gone now. Forever lost in the ocean of life. Kristi took those days from me when she did the smart thing and left. I don’t blame her. I was using up all her “Prime” years. I never wanted to be an anchor in her life, but, rather the wind to her sails. I know I’ll never have that chance. In a way, I died a long time ago. I guess that’s why I haven’t put the gun to my head. I’m nothing anyways. I pulled the trigger a long time ago, metaphorically speaking… I killed myself. I guess nothing ends…
What remains for me here? I’ve moved states, changed jobs, met new people… I’ve tried everything to remedy my situation. Yet… here I remain. I am a prisoner to my own thoughts and emotions. A slave to my past life. No matter where I go or what I do, I am leashed to the choices I have made. Fenced in by my own sins. And, beaten by the newspaper of my guilt. I am the lowliest of dogs. Yes, I deserve it and it is welcomed. Maybe, this is my punishment for having been born into this world. Who knows? I know that my daily lashings will continue, that the torment of life will keep having its way with me. That my choices from a lifetime ago will continue to affect how I perceive my life. I will never outgrow that or how I feel. My guilt is brought on by my Italian heritage. I guess nothing ends…
I know I love. I love her with all my heart. She remains with me despite her absence. I think of her daily and dream of her nightly. Such is my penance. I miss her. I love her. I carry this burden, like Sisyphus, pushing the boulder up the hill only to have it return to the bottom. Hell has nothing on this weight I carry. I look forward to my demise. I look forward to the one day that, that boulder rolls back and crushes me. Only then will I know I am forgiven. Only then will my pain be released. Only then will life have its redemption. Only then will I have my peace.
9 comments
I don’t know how you can feel such crippling misery when you’re able to connect with people and form relationships with them. I’d give my left nut just to be able to talk to ANYBODY face to face without dissolving into a puddle of sweat or imploding before I can get a word out (let alone have meaningless sex). What exactly about life has you so down? Find a job, find a woman and settle down in a place where you’re free to do the things you enjoy. You seem like a fully functioning human being so why isn’t that possible for you? Sorry if this sounds confrontational. I’m crippled by anxiety and hearing you describe the misery I feel so succinctly despite you not being limited in the same way I am bothers me. How can you be so unhappy when you’re capable of reaching out to people? The best I can do is a text message or e-mail.
@thpg Thats dumb of you to write something like that, sorry but it is. You should see a specialist.
Only because we can live normally, doesnt mean we want to.
Every single human is a twisted, sick, fuck, ( more or less : D ) some people just have better brakes. Stop idealizing them. Most people lie to themselves about themselves, those who dont, or stopped – are dead.
You don’t know you’re talking about and have no idea what misery is, nor does the person who wrote this post.
Dude, you have a normal, functional sounding life. I have social anxiety so bad Im scared to even go outside unless Im half drunk. Enjoy the life you have there are other people who have it way worse than that, me included, and @thpg too.
Don’t start comparing peoples problems. This isn’t a competition. If you came here to belittle others( just read another rude comment you made on another post) then fuck off. If you have nothing nice to say to the person who posted then don’t fucking comment.
i like lostallhopes phrasing. hes just giving some perspective to the situation. some people have it worse and thats not to discredit this OPs issues. I can see the motive behind it
@tphg If u cant coop with people at least on basic level, why the fuck ure trying to outsmart me. Also I didnt write anything about how miserable or not ur life is I DONT CARE. But if u think that living without people around u, is miserably then u just didnt read a single post on this site. Thats all. This may sound immature, dumb or whatever. But people hurt you, in so many ways and angles that living without them isnt bad. You dont realize that, ignorance is a bliss.
Why are u trying so hard to interact with people if it hurts u so badly in the first place ?
@theWhispersofmyfuckyou
“If you have nothing nice to say to the person who posted then don’t fucking comment.”
– Are u 15 y old otaku or what the actual fuck ?
We are knee deep in shit from the day we are born. Lying around and telling people “pretty things” wont help. These words may help for a second, but lies are still lies.
Truth, true words, facts – they may be harsh, but once u accept them and figure how to live with the truth and true self – ure a winner. And srsly ? “Dont compare problems” ? THIS SITE IS MADE FOR PEOPLE WHO LOOK FOR PEOPLE WITH SIMILAR OR WORSE PROBLEMS FUCKING CHRIST… shizzz just go back to ur fucking emo blog or whatever : D
@RB26 its obvious why you are not very liked isn’t it? Lol. This site is to support people, not make fun of them cause you think their problems aren’t as bad as yours. You come across as very pathetic. Might want to work on that 😉
Psychoanalysis thru pixels was the last book u finished ? Amirite ? Didnt make fun of anybody. And my problems are not the issue here. What in the fuck is ur point anyway ? srsly what the hell. I made my points, u did nothing but waste ur calories in front of pc to insult me or whatever.
Please explain to me how u want to help people by telling them things they want to hear.
Please I’ll sit and read and then I’ll clap the fuck out of my hands if u’ll be able to logically explain it to me.