Nothing is as it seems. And it never will Life is only pain. Death is peace

First I want to say that I am New to this site. Due to my search of painless suicide on Google. Also Im not writing this to get help or even expect anyone to actually read my nonsense. Im just tired and venting my pain. Because I hope to End my life soon. I dont want pity. I dont want people to worry about my children. they will go to my brother which I am going to have stated my my suicide note. Ive actually attempted 6 times since I was 13. which was my first attempt. Now I am going to apologize got grammar errors and a bit of jumping around. I have ADHD and my mind goes 1 million miles an hour with thoughts. If I dont write down what Im thinking I will forget it. Which is another reason why i want it to end. to silence my mind and voice.

Never in my life have I been down. Yet Im a few months shy of being 30. with 3 young boys. Alone. tired fed up with life.

My life had never been a walk in the park. From changing schools 9 times as a child and being molested by my brother for 4 years, made to do horrible unforgivable things. I can still remember the day He was caught for doing the same things to my cousin who was a couple years young than i was at the time. He was caught when i reached the age 11. so come to think of it it lasted till i was 11. 5 years of being sexually molested. Not really over it either. Screwed me up in ways I dont think it can ever be fixed. Im ok with that. Anyways, when he was caught i remember asking my mother why my brother was in trouble. She told me he had touched and raped my cousin.  I remember saying “he does it to me to mom” and she got up and walked away. went and talked to my father. Never was anything brought up until i was a terror as school, from not going to class or beating kids up who called me names like “fag” or “retard”

Life never got much better my mother brought me to sexual victims counseling, without telling me what i was going for. she just told me she wanted me to meet someone. I was 16 at the time. Throughout my teenage years I was late in life, lazy, moron, pig, biggest shame of life, a mistake. I was not his, my mother was a whore. all things my drunk father would say to me. I never respected him. I feared him, even hated him. He’s gone now dead or in another state. ( good for him) To this day I fear certain types of men. which kinda baffles me.

So anyways. Ive been in two long relationships, which both ended in total disaster. both cheated and ripped my freaking heart out. Like i said at the top i have 3 boys. one is 9 whom i have not seen since he was 3. after years of fighting with his mother and doing the court battles. lost my job because of it. Which was my dream job. Yard puller in a auto salvage yard. loved it outdoors 40 hours a week best job ever. work on my own. since im a shy person. who tends to do the macho thing to cover it up. sorry off subject.  the other two boys I have soul custody of are 4 and 2. their mother cheated on me and left me due to an attempted suicide because I knew she was out cheating that night. I had tried to hang myself from our stairs. Chickened out, while she was on the phone. ( I know you dont have to say it.)  About 6 months after that attempt she had taken off. and left the kids with me. So being a parent I took it to family court and made sure I got Custody.  Since then Ive done nothing great.

Ive had a few jobs here and there since I lost my dream job. ( where I was happy in life ). But I keep falling back into the same old lazy routine my father used to scream and harp on me about. before I went to school to entry level Auto mechanics. I keep not going to work. or I end up making a mistake at a job and get fired.  I dont move fast enough on a line. .

So now Im rock bottom for me living with my sickly 62 year old mother. ashamed, guilty. wanting it all to end. pray to anything that will awnser that i just dont wake up. I dread waking up every day. I sit scour the internet for work. ( nothing in my area) NO transportation ( trucks broke) no money to fix it. sits collecting snow. drained battery. oh the life.. . i wanted to share my story and well let it out then find the courage to just end it. I sit here balling my eyes out. A grown young man. With so much pain hatred and narrow views. I never wanted to be this way as a child. I never ever wanted pain like this. I remember promising myself that if I turned out like my father I was going to put a bullet in my head or hang myself. but I dont want anymore pain. havent I had enough already. I feel my sickly mother only took me in out of guilt. I remember spending 2 weeks in  the bhu ( behavioral health unit ) In my local crappy community hospital. since my ex only wanted me out of the house to have sex with the other dude. she didn’t call the cops out of care she did it to benefit her. not once did she come see me. waited to call me till Xmas 2012.

So I went willingly because I knew if I went to my parents house i would of gone that night. since my father was still around. and he had an abundance of guns. so i was i guess come to that i didn’t want to die. but since then even when things started to look up got my first truck (the one thats broke now)  had a OK job for the time being was doing great than wham had to be let go due to downsizing and wasn’t there long enough. so 2 years later and even during the little up period i still scoured the net for ways to just die. ways to convince my mind to just make my heart stop in my sleep anything. and well here i am hanging on writing this crying  since its odd for me to cry. i haven’t cried since my childhood trauma. guess i just sucked it up like my dad always yelled about. but now and im getting worse and i want to die. not only because of the pain that lingers within me. but , because Ive noticed that im my father. yelling at my kids instead of try to have them understand things with a gentle voice. I just cannot do this.. no way will I turn into him.  No, Just NO!!

One day i hope to get the strength to end it. or maybe my heart will just fail due to stress. (wishful thinking)  Wish it would happen soon. Yes i know my boys will miss me. but I cannot do this. Im angry with myself. Im so torn is like i cannot be pieced back together. Only time I ever got thru this was due to someone by my side. but Ive alienated everyone around me. I cant muscle the strength to call my local counseling services to get help. Wont even call the doctor when i get sick. In hoping that I’ll die from whatever I was sick of at the time.

Soon I plan to go. I cant relocate or even make my life better. so im sitting here in pain wasting tax payer money. when i could be Taking the dirt nap and be gone and in peace. No pain, No nothing. Just Over I want it to be over Goddammit. Why cant i just die now.

If their was a God, He wouldn’t let “His children” suffer like this I don’t care if its a so called “fallen world”