Versions

I have many secrets that I keep from everyone in my life. There is no one person who knows everything about me. Not even my family knows who I really am.

I don’t really like to have conversations with people, regardless of how close they supposedly are to me. I find it hard to have small talk, I usually don’t find anything interesting to talk about to them. I usually end up talking about myself, which I know comes off as being arrogant. When I do talk about myself, I end up talking about a version of myself that isn’t really true. I exaggerate and underplay some things, maing up a version of my life that isn’t a complete lie, just a version of the truth.

I love to read, everyone knows that. I like to read mostly fantasy novels, ones that are really long and complicated. But no one really knows that I love to read fanfiction. I’ve been reading it since I was in grade school, I’ve never stopped since. I love reading romance stories. I don’t like the cheesy ones that read like telenovelas, I like long heart-wrenching angst-filled ones. I usually read them on the internet. I love reading smutty fiction. Half of what I read is filled with people sleeping with each other, or at least on their way to it.

I love playing video games, especially the RPG ones. It’s very important to me to be able to do everything that can be done in a game, so I usually end up using a walkthrough for my games. No, the experience isn’t ruined for me. I actually like being told what to do.

I love to sing. I think I have a decent voice, but I know I’m not good enough to make it anywhere. I like teaching people how to sing, but I know that I don’t have the skills to actually make a difference somewhere.

I like to look at dresses and fashion, although its mainly thinking that some dresses are pretty and some are weird. There’s none of that artistic crap, I just like to look at red carpet fashion and looking at celebrities and deciding whether I like their clothes or not.

I get easily obsessed with different forms of entertainment. There was a time when I was obsessed with watching TV shows, I had about 10 shows that I followed every week. There was a time when I ended up reading all 5 books of a series in 4 days, barely sleeping so I can finish the books. I got hooked into playing video games for a month. I had a schedule formed, so that my console wouldn’t overheat.

I like to imagine myself dying and wondering what my funeral would be like. I would imagine how many people would come, how they would react to my death. Will there be crying? What would they say in my wake? I also like to imagine myself buying pills and drinking them by the dozens, being found dead lying on my bed. I think of taking my sharpest kitchen knife and stabbing myself through the heart while sitting on my living room couch. I think of driving my car off the nearby cliff.

I like to masturbate. I watch porn that usually consists of females being pounded by men, being taken by machines and toys. I occasionally dabble in the gay porn area, but do not particularly enjoy seeing lesbians go at it. I read erotica on a regular basis, using them to get myself off. I masturbate at bedtime and in the morning when I wake up.

I hate being disorganized, but I do have a system to my chaos. I am an avoider and a hider of emotions, so I tend to shut things away when something is uncomfortable.

I don’t like myself very much, so I tend to hide away by reading, playing video games and sleeping. I’m off to another place where I don’t exist. That place always seems to be the better place to me that where I am right now.