This could be a trigger so I ask people who have tendencies to skip this.
I would just like to ask for opinions, thoughts, anything. So if anyone would like to reply, please go ahead. This is not a post about hope but about suicide.
I am 21, I am far from being young and I am far from having what you would call a hard life. I have a degree from uni, I have a roof above my head and all that shit. Yet I still want to die, there is nothing for me to live for. i am a waste of space to everyone around me. Everyone will be better off if I were to die. More space in my house, less money spent on me, all those things. I have nothing to look forward to, I have friends but I’m nothing, i have a family but I am nothing but a nuisance. I pray (yes, I am religious to an extent) every night that I won’t wake up but nothing. I’m still here. I thought this, was suppose to end during the teenage years i thought life was going to pick itself up. I thought that if i did everything right I would at least learn to live without hoping a car, a train or a fucking airplane would end this. For years now, nothing, I am a coward for waiting for death, I should just drown the Goddamn pills with vodka. If only I had the guts or maybe I do. I honestly don’t know.
Deepest apologies for the long and whiny post. I am aware that i sound ungrateful and this could be pegged under first world problems (please believe that i know, I live in an extremely poor country). I just had to. Have a nice day everyone.
2 comments
Hi, my name is Ashley.
I am so very sorry that you struggle with death and suicide at such a painful degree..I don’t mean this to sound like pity, but genuine understanding.
I too have wanted to die and have lost patience in the waiting room. Please know, you do not in anyway sound ungrateful nor whiny. You sound like someone that is hurting. It does not matter the amount of things you own, have accomplished, or how successful you are..Death does not care. Depression does not care. No illness cares. They trap you, make you feel as if you can accomplish freedom by doing enough good. After you work for so long trying to be good enough, the darkness still envelops you. Then follows the desire to escape, to die.
It’s easy to believe that the world would be better without you. Your family, friends, even people you just pass walking. Darkness lies to you. It is not true, though. You are too special, too important, too valuable to extinguish yourself from this world. Right now you don’t believe it, but I don’t doubt that you’ve made many positive impacts on lives around you, and also have the ability to do so in the future. I know this post was about suicide, but…please believe there is hope.
I don’t want to make this post about myself in any way. Please know, though, I have tried to commit suicide, to escape. Right now life is surrounded in darkness, but a part of my heart wants to live.
I believe that you contain a desire to live also, death just won’t allow you to see light.
Hey, I know you posted this a while ago, and I don’t know what mental state you’re in at this point, or if you actually frequent this website. But I wanted to say I kind of sympathize with you, at least on the point of not having a hard life. I just posted something twice as long as this which was nothing but a rant, and I guess it just makes one feel even guiltier for feeling that way in such a privileged condition. I’ve had the thought regarding teenage years too. Granted I’m only 19, but I don’t think I’ll grow out of it anymore than you have. It feels almost like one of those coming of age movies that just doesn’t actually reach that “coming of age” part. I don’t want to make it sound like I actually know what you’re going through or anything – I know people hate hearing that from people younger than them – I just wanted to say, you’re not alone.
I’ve never been good at consoling people and re-reading this, I sound like an ass. But I want to post this anyway and let you know that that isn’t my intention…