A couple nights ago I stood in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and swollen; I’d been crying for a while. I had the bottle of pills in my hand. I was planning on drinking the dozen or so beers I had in the fridge as well, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Probably more out of fear than self-preservation or a desire to live. And it wasn’t even a fear of dying; it was a fear of living. I didn’t want to make an attempt and have to live through it. I couldn’t stand the idea of another failure. I especially couldn’t bear the thought of living with people knowing of my attempt; that would be too embarrassing. Pathetic, right?
And what if I survived, but caused irreparable liver damage? I need another problem in my life like I need a hole in the head. Okay, that wouldn’t actually be a bad thing right now, but you get my point. I also thought about surviving, having liver damage and not being able to drink anymore. Clearly my priorities are a little messed up, but that’s something that actually went through my mind. I wouldn’t say I’m an alcoholic, I just like to drink beer. Good beer. At least until I’ve had a few and then it doesn’t matter if I’m drinking shit. The next day I also started thinking about the other things I’m going to miss out on. I must be talking about important things, right? Friends, family, major life events, all that jazz? Nope, I thought “Man, I won’t get to play the next Legend of Zelda game or finish the books I’ve been reading.” (Pathfinder series by the way) Really important stuff, huh?
Don’t get me wrong now, I thought about friends and family. And boy is my family messed up. Really, I’d say I have a father, a mother, a sister and a brother. I wouldn’t really call us a family. My brother, sister and I all get along fine; it’s just that we rarely all see each other. My parents are divorced and both remarried, but that’s not really an issue to me. However with a couple exceptions, I haven’t really spoken to my mom in about five years or so. A couple years after the divorce, she pretty much just started ignoring my brother, my sister and me. She’d ignore messages about getting together around the holidays or promise to come to graduations and then never show. I think my siblings have had alternating phases of talking and not talking to my mom, but I can’t do that. I do miss her, but I have ignored a couple attempts from her to try to reconnect. Part of it is because I’m afraid she’ll go AWOL again, but part of it is because I’m angry with her. Maybe I’m just a petty person. On the other side of the equation, you have my brother and dad not speaking to each other at all for a few years now. Quick version: Dad’s a racist and my brother married a black girl. I can’t believe how closed-minded people can be to let something like that ruin a family. It just hurts that we can’t do anything as a family because somebody’s not willing to make an effort and be supportive. I really do love them all, and the rest of my family. And that’s probably the hardest part to deal with when I think about leaving this world early. I know it will hurt them.
As far as friends go, I don’t have many. I don’t develop connections with people very well. Sure, I have friends, but not very many that I’m really close with. I’m not too good at keeping in touch with people; my group of friends has changed a lot. I feel like that’s pretty normal except I haven’t really maintained any of the older relationships. I hardly talk to anyone from high school anymore. There’s one person I talk to every month or so for a couple days. A couple others I might hear from or see once a year or so. Even in the 10+ years since high school, I haven’t maintained many friendships. I think most of my friends would be minimally affected by me taking my life; they would move on pretty quickly. Really, I only have one friend that I even talk to on a regular basis. She’s my best friend and probably the only close one that I have. I think this would hurt her the most other than my family, and even the thought of that is bringing on tears again.
I guess I’m just weighing the few good moments I have against all of the miserable ones. Most of the time I just feel alone. I don’t know if the good times are worth it anymore. The other night I was scared of failing; I knew that pills and alcohol had a pretty high chance of ending up as a failed attempt. Today I bought a gun (it’s ridiculously easy to do in Ohio). Now, I am walking a very thin line…
2 comments
It would be rather selfish for you to take your life if there are people in this world that you’re going to leave behind. In the end, everyone has to wade through this miserable gunk they call life until they find a reason to live. Maybe you haven’t found your reason, maybe it’s there in front of your face. Who knows. If you have family that cares enough, then talk to them. I wish I had a family I could turn to, but I don’t. They abandoned me for the most part. I really hope you opt out. There are other things to live for.
No matter what you have done, or someone have done to you, you still have the value to live, at least you could make your best friend happy, you could make your best friend not alone. When you find such value, you would know that all of these bad things is nothing, you could ignore them. I believe you could find it.