3 years ago some bad financial advice resulted in me losing $200k, and subsequent events increased this to virtually $1.5m. I am now 60 years old and was heading for a comfortable retirement, but these events have decimated my plans and left me an anxious wreck unable to work and increasingly depressed. I look back on my life as a doctor with self loathing and with the bitter taste of guilt I have seen myself steadily deteriorate over the past 2 years. Although previously a workaholic national level triathlete, I have now become a lonely slob, sitting around all day on the computer or ruminating my failures. I have a lovely wife and 3 lovely children, all of whom I now see myself as having failed, particularly since I have been constantly thinking of suicide every day for nearly 2 years and that would be even more dreadful for them. I’ve been through the works medically including ect, about 20 different drugs, psychotherapy and the lifestyle stuff, but see myself heading towards the apparent inevitability of suicide. Us older guys are very dangerous and doctors in particular know how to do the job and are successful at first attempt. I see I still have lots and in particular my family, but I know I have lost most of my money and also my fitness and relationships. Most posts on this website seem to be from teenagers with emotional problems and to all of you, I encourage you to hang on in there as your life can change and you have a lot of time to make this happen, but at the end of your career, when things look bleak it’s not good.
any suggestions?
13 comments
the fact that your asking for suggestions clearly indicates you’re still willing to fight and from what you described, I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t feel the way you do. It makes sense to me that you feel devastated over losing what took a lifetime to build…. keep in mind the site we’re on though, so my judgement is probably not ideal. Regardless, I get why you feel hopeless and I imagine that if you’re a doctor, the majority of your focus has been on your work and career which in essence defined who you were. I would think you saw yourself as ‘dave22’ the doctor, not ‘dave22’ the husband or father so not only did you lose your finances but maybe your identity too.
as far as suggestions… please know first and foremost, I do not judge. Only you can decide your threshold of pain and unhappiness with that… from my perspective you hold the holy grail – i would bow down to you if i could – you have a family. If I had someone that loved and supported me that way your wife probably does, i would live under a bridge with them!! You have what no amount of money can buy…. i envy you.
I had a friend who worked in a nursing home and he told me that when he asked the senior men who were on their last days what regrets they had, all of them answered the same- that they had been more involved with the family, been around more instead of always working-
its not easy, i’m with you there- good luck
Don’t die try therapy I’m suicidal therapy helps or talk to family
Though there are quite a few young people around here, there are a number of older people too. I’m in my early 30s for example. I realize that isn’t that old, but I feel old and people who know me usually guess me a decade older than I am.
While the financial events that have brought on these thoughts have left you feeling as though you have failed your family, my guess is that they care more about your well-being than the balance of your accounts and the only way you could truly fail them is to give in and give up.
Despite the life you once had, you still have them, and they love you (I presume). Keep that in mind to give you strength and help you to find a way to get away from the computer. When you can’t find the strength to try for yourself, always try for them.
I wish I had people like that to try for. All the money in the world means nothing without people to share your life with. You have that. Please don’t take it for granted. Try a little each day just for them, and maybe you won’t feel so defeated by the events that led you to today.
Suggestions… first i would say don’t undermine other people’s problems. Several people here have uncurable conditions at real young ages, psychological problems, trauma from abuse or bad relationships… etc. So you being a doctor should know better that there are cases in which “hang on, it gets better” is just bs, sometimes it just can’t get better. Sorry if that sounded a bit angry but it did bother me a bit.
As for your financial problems… i know how it feels to fail financially, physically, emotionally, and how much it affects you and makes you feel like you screwed up (i’m in my 30s and i’m just a sick waste of space, in every sense), but would you rather have lost your family? i mean… you lost an amazing amount of money, which none of us will see in a lifetime, but you lost it on a hard economy, due to bad luck and bad advice as you say, and your family stuck by you. You have not lost them because of that loss, and you have not failed them (you are still providing for them).
You say yourself you have continued working, so in that sense you are still fighting it out for them… maybe you won’t have that much retirement money but you can still enjoy your retirement with your loved ones (maybe in a bit less comfortable situation, but it could be worse, you could be all alone and already retired with no way of making money).
Funny thing is that i know for sure that none of the girls that i’ve been with would have stuck with me in a similar situation, and i’ve seen lost of wives just divorcing their husbands over financial loses… so yeah, be grateful for what you still have and what you still provide instead of feeling you screwed up, you can still save some money before retiring by making some adjustments.
Thanks for the comments. Be assured that I feel guilty and ashamed to be having these thoughts when I realise I still have so much compared with most on this site and particularly my loving family, who would be devastated and even more financially reduced by my suicide. I also recognise the difficulty that young people with chronic illness have in facing the life ahead, but I was wanting to encourage young people to hang on in there as although emotions become very intense, there are success stories, even in the most severely ill. However, I see the path I’m going down and know of another local doc who took his life for similar reasons at the age of 58, last year. Suicide is no chooser of class or prosperity – note Robin Williams. I really want to survive, but the guilty thoughts and pain are dominating my life.
I’ve tried all sorts of psychological therapies (cbt, act, mindfulness, exercise) and was really looking for any comments as to particular treatments or approaches that others have found useful as I seem to have run out of ideas to try and am getting worse.
dave22, i think you’re grieving, mourning the loss of dreams and expectations, visions of your future, pride… the list is grand. I hate to break it to you but grieving just takes time and patience, sure you could try some Paxil or something similar for anxiety and maybe something to aid in sleep but think of it this way…. you’re body is reacting to your brain telling it, ‘what was, is no more”, a much milder version of what addiction withdrawal feels like, in both cases you just want to die.
A lot of us here have illnesses we were born with, some of the meds we’re on would only exacerbate your depression.
Research this name: Dr. Gabor Mate, I believe he is practicing in Vancouver still, he is a genius!!! He was doing ayahuasca therapies with addicts and literally curing them but the Canadian gov shut him down as ayahuasca is considered an illegal substance- point is ayahuasca is said to heal the soul and that, my friend is just what the Dr. ordered (that was cheesy)-
Thanks for the ideas. Spot on with the diagnostics with loss of identity and status as well as money, hopes, expectations and fitness, there seems little of my former self left. I feel indulgent and guilty to be complaining of this when I still have so much, but it all seems to be going so quickly as I head for self destruction and family damage.
Thanks for the ayahuasca idea, but it’s illegal here, although maybe the trip to Peru to get it would help. I’ve already been through loads of meds including Paxil, but none seem to help apart from the sleepers.
Dave 22,
I entirely understand what you are going through, having myself, at 48, gone through similar, a couple of foolish investments, having lost me a comprable sum and quite possibly, my business. I am shell shocked and these past 14 months suicidal. I have come close to complete shut down, struggling to rise from bed in he morning and when up struggling to function, fearful and frozen.
It is not easy. I don’t take my life because it would hurt too many, further others hav sort to help by lending me funds in order to allow the time to extract myself from the financial predicament I find myself in. It is nonetheless difficult to keep going out of a sense of guilt and obligation when you feel that there is no viable future. Above all I am angry with myself.
The advice a I suppose the usual, diet, excercise and therapy – btw I have also been through a cause of ECT. I suggest, since I am hoping to do the same, EMDR – a method of desengaging with trauma – I have a friend who has just done it, with extraordinary results.
I just thought I’d add to the discussion some examples of great comeback stories.
Robert Downey Jr. – hugely popular actor in the early 90s, got into drugs & lost all his money & work around 2000. Clawed his way back, and now he’s a respected actor again.
Abraham Lincoln – Started out in an army career & got busted from Captain down to Private, next became a businessman, went bankrupt twice, got into politics and lost 2 elections in Congress and 1 election as Vice President. Kept at it & got elected president at age 52. Almost 150 years later most people consider him to be the greatest president the USA ever had.
And of course bellbottoms. Totally cool in the 60s-70s. Totally lame in the 80s-90s. Now they’re freakin cool again. And really expensive.
There’s hope for us all man 😉
dave, you are a different breed simply because of your age and have lived a successful life up until now. its pretty fuckin cool to see a “success” story like yours. you made it pretty far and you were a goddamn doctor. good on you man. in another life i would’ve made a great doc. but im sure your fam doesnt view you as you see yourself. you accomplished much and you’ll be ok you old fart
dave22 – 45 year old guy here, and recognizing many aspects of my story in yours (and cracked’s). To lose what you have worked so hard for so long to gain is a particular form of grief. You’re right that focussing on what you do have now is critical, yet often seems impossible. I find it sometimes helps to have a dialogue with an imagined version of myself – one who has lost much more. For example, if (God forbid) my family had been killed in a fatal accident – I would happily want to trade places with the person I am today rather than face that reality. I try to see my current life through the eyes of that alternate self and appreciate it from his perspective.
Interesting idea Survival, but for some reason I can’t get my brain to do that as I feel that I personally have failed them. Yes I know they are not only alive but happy and successful, but worried about me and I carry on with my hopeless, helpless self loathing and regret which is a very bad place to be. I find living without a useful purpose difficult.spending my time doing puzzles, simple tasks and ruminating, still trying to find a future that I can visualise.
I realise no one and no drug will sort this out apart from myself and I need to find that one unique solution. However today I had what I believe is a really good idea which should help other doctors caught up in similar financial problems to myself. One doc locally took his life due to similar problems to my own, so I have gravitas and purpose for my idea. Now I just need to convince some national bodies to spend a couple of million pounds to get it going! Well it will keep me from idling away for a while.
keep on keeping on and on and on
Puzzles, simple tasks and ruminating – sounds familiar! I’ve never been a big fan of doing word puzzles, but now find that it is one of the few activities that provides a distraction with minimal painful memories or associations with the past. I’d be interested to hear more of your story: do you have other posts/threads on the site?